Monthly Archives: January 2013

My Strawberry Heart.

I was about to start talking about food, but then Michael Frante started singing about plugging his headphones into my heart, and I just had to get up and dance. If you don’t get the food right it can really affect you on every level of beingness, but at the end of the day it’s the heart’s wisdom that must prevail. Not sure if I have mentioned this before, but half the cells in our hearts are identical to brain cells, so we really can think with our hearts. That may come as a surprise to the materialistic culture, but indigenous people know this without needing any science to back it up.

When your heart is open everything flows more smoothly, even heartache and misery, keeping your heart open when you are having painful and difficult feelings, helps to move the feelings through your body and out, rather than staying in the cellular memory. I had a direct experience of this when I was studying for my Graduate Diploma in Counselling.

I was studying full-time, working part-time, and I had reached a point where I was going into overwhelm. My 16-year-old cat had to be taken to the vet and put down as I was doing the final part of my class in grief and loss, the video role play I did for my final assessment came back as a pass instead of the high distinction I deserved because it wouldn’t play, not my fault, technological issues beyond my control. I had so much painful stuff moving through me I wasn’t sure I would get through the week much less the rest of the year.

Then I found a crystal called rhodochrosite in a shop, and bought some shards of it, I took it home and put the pieces on a photo of myself and said a simple prayer asking for relief and peace from all I was experiencing. The next morning I woke up and I was fine, nothing had changed but suddenly I was coping. A fellow student who was going through similar stuff, heard my story, and gave me a photo of herself, and I did the same thing for her. When I saw her a week later she reported starting to feel better around the time I did the ritual for her.

It seems like magic, but it’s really just about tuning into a deeper reality, and it’s your heart that will lead you there. My heart feels like a juicy strawberry glistening with moisture, that you just want to bite into with joyful relish, open and fully present in the moment! The more I trust this space, the more it becomes my true reality, oh Spirit, may I be supported in every possible way as I move more and more into the awakening of my true purpose in life.

So be it, so be it, so be it……………………………….

strawberries

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Rebirth.

I’ve been asked a couple of times what I mean when I talk about processing stuff and releasing it out of the body. Stuff seems like a terribly vague description, yet its hard to find another word that sums it up as well. There are so many elements involved when shifts are occurring, it’s feelings, physical sensations, thoughts, movement of energy, somehow stuff just seems to cover all possibilities.

For me I often notice a sensation of dis-ease in my belly, if there is a lot going on it can affect my appetite so I’m not very hungry. In the lead up to my big release last saturday, I ate out at the film society and they had one of my favourite deserts, lemon tart, but I had absolutely no desire for it, couldn’t even finish my main meal.

When I left the rain was pouring and the wind was howling, and I began to feel a sense of emptiness and deep sadness even as I drove away. By the time I got home the sadness was really strong and I sat to write for a time, I let words just come, I reflected on my afternoon and evening, nothing seemed to fit for what I was feeling.

Finally I went to bed and lay there not able to sleep as the feelings continued to move and my mind wandered. At one point I remembered something I had said to my friend about the decimation of my self-esteem, from the age of 16 to about 18, and how I felt that I had only rebuilt the last of it in the last year and a half, here in my new home. In that moment everything came together and I thought of taking 30 years to come back to myself, and I wept as I released all the feelings and sensations that had been swirling around inside me.

It felt HUGE and the next day I felt AMAZING, mum came to visit and noted how clear I was looking, after she’d gone I looked in the mirror and it was like a new person looking back at me. Who is this gorgeous woman I said to myself as I gazed upon this incredible sight, the clarity in my face was extraordinary!

Whatever we have experienced and not fully expressed, gets crystalised in the cells of the body. You can understand past events with your mind but at the end of the day, it will be the trauma held in your cellular memory that is actually running you. It’s an ongoing process, I had another big release the next night and even now I can feel dis-ease in my belly.

I have the intention to heal everything in this lifetime, so I really can’t complain when things keep coming up. Slowly but surely my life gets better and better, my capacity for experiencing happiness and joy continues to expand, and at last I can truly say to myself, I love you Kerry, you are perfect exactly as you are in this moment, and mean every word.

Rebirth

Powerless.

The deluge of rain began to lash and the wind howled like a werewolf worshiping the full moon. It got worse and worse at the film society where I spent the afternoon and evening and by the time I got home the power was off. It did come back on after about 10 minutes but when I got up in the morning it was off, and my sunday market was cancelled, no power at the hall and too dangerous for people to be out on the roads.

I was on the most amazing high all day sunday and part of the next day, the storm that was ripping through my town was reflecting the huge shift that was happening inside me. More details of that story to follow in future posts, but suffice to say that I have come back to myself, the change in me is huge and my mother reflected it to me when she said, “I feel like I’ve got you back as you once were as a child.”

Last night was another big release, I feel a little worn out today but I know that I am moving in a direction that will support me in doing the spiritual task that I am here to do. When it’s time for the caterpillar to come out of the cocoon there is a struggle, but without that struggle the butterfly’s wings will never develop and it will never be able to fly.

There is more to shed, I can feel it inside me close to the surface, ready to leave me so that my wings can spread out and so I can take flight. This is what the snake that came to me at the Solstice was telling me, that my transformation was almost upon me. I don’t know exactly what any of this will look like, but that it will be full of wonder and joy, of that I am certain.

I’ve broken my perfect record of a post every day but somehow that doesn’t seem to matter very much, the time without the usual distractions has been well spent. This period of being without electrical power has been an opportunity to tap into my personal power and even as I feel tears brimming at the edge of my being, I know that it will be joy that will follow their release.

Power comes from within us, from a source we all have access to no matter our situation, and now that I can truly say to myself, “I love you”, I have power beyond my wildest imaginings.

Butterfly in flight.

Butterfly in flight.

It’s Just a Ride.

There hasn’t been much about toning in my posts so far, and yet it’s an incredibly important part of who I am. Like moving into the dance, toning is something I feel with my whole being, I become the sound, and the sound is who I am. It was an important part of my healing when I injured my shoulders in 2009, I toned every day for 5 months and the sounds that began to emerge were at times astonishing!

I don’t do perfect harmonics on cue, they come and they go, and what matters is the journey into another reality. Sound is definitely one of the doorways to other dimensions, my dear friend Ulli and I always joke, that it’s our favourite way to get bent. So why don’t I do it every day? Good question, there never seems to be enough time to do everything I want to do, and yet I know that’s a poor response, I know I can do better than that.

I’ve noticed that when I get really busy with work, I actually seem to get more done, something I’ve often heard from others, so I think it’s a fairly common experience. I need to organise my time better, regardless of how many hours I’m working, maybe a daily schedule would be helpful, although the Aquarian in me rebels against such a notion. But the part of me that has two planets in Virgo quite likes the idea, so perhaps I can find a balance between the two.

And in that schedule there will be slots for toning and writing, I did a practice last year where I meditated in silence, then toned, and then wrote from that space, and it was really fascinating to see what came out of the process. I always work with a strong intention, one that I used a lot at that time was:

I open to deeper connection with my larger self, as more and more of my life’s purpose is illuminated and revealed, I live that purpose to the full!

There is no doubt that I am living more of my purpose, but there is always more, more depth, more pleasure, more fun to be had. And if life seems too hard, too stressful, and you think that the power resides everywhere, but inside you, then please remember, it’s just a ride!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUiwTubYu0

The Eyes of a Child.

Have I mentioned I live in paradise, last night I went to see the amazing Linsey Pollak and Miriam Lieberman at the Mary Cairncross cafe in the rainforest. And I am talking rain literally, the phase that keeps coming to mind is, it never rains but it pours! Here in Maleny it either rains or it doesn’t, we have had long dry spells, but when the heavens open they do it with a vengeance.

The downpour was very much a part of the musical score, like an incredibly long rainstick it added to the beauty and inspiration of the evening. No one else was dancing but I hear the music with my body, and my body has to move and express what it’s feeling. The yearning to dance fully, to give myself up to the movement, is getting stronger and stronger, I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to do about it, but something is coming.

And whenever I go out I am connecting with my community, for someone who has been rather solitary, and who still feels a bit shy at times, it’s  a bit of a wonder. Fragments of the old me that haven’t quite left yet, find it difficult to believe that all these people actually see me as worthwhile, there is a caring that I sense which touches me deeply.

If my brother was here he would give me a look, and say that I was indeed ‘touched’, but that’s just his wicked sense of humour. There is love wherever I go and it’s a nourishment that not only fills my heart, but opens it too, I could almost burst with the joy of it.

That joy and sense of wonder is something that is always present when watching Linsey Pollak play his amazing array of instruments. He is a true master, an incredible musical genius, and yet completely humble. You can feel his passion and childlike enthusiasm, and it’s impossible not to be caught up in that wonderful space. He is a reminder that the child is always there within us, the ability to see the world with fresh eyes can be rediscovered, no matter how cynical you may have become.

Here is a small taste of the master, he makes his own instruments too, in this clip he is playing Mr Curly which is made from a very long piece of garden hose and the famous carrot clarinet. Check out YouTube to see the clip where he makes the clarinet out of a carrot, mind blowing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXHBOUIc-x8

Dream A Little Dream.

I’m thinking about my Beloved again, not sure if those thoughts were what kept me awake for three hours the other night, but sleep was certainly elusive. I would feel myself starting to slip into that relaxed space where everything begins to soften, and thoughts drift gradually away, until, in a moment one can never pin down, you are gone into the realms of sleep.

I don’t often remember my dreams, as a child I would make dreams up to tell the other kids, because I felt left out when they described their wonderful nightly excursions into fantasy. For my first assignment doing my graduate diploma in counselling I used Freudian techniques to explore a fragment I remembered from a nightmare, and it was such a powerful process I was getting physical symptoms as I tried to write. There is no doubt that dreams can help us to try and make sense of our experiences and feelings, but it is only one of the doorways.

I could do things to help me to remember dreams but it has never drawn me very strongly, I would rather meditate or do a trance journey. That does keep coming back to me very strongly indeed, I need to be doing a regular practice along with my yoga, and green smoothies, and all the various things I do to take care of myself.

I think there is a message trying to get through, and so I need to create sacred space within myself, in order to receive the gift of knowledge. And I am fairly sure that it has to do with my Beloved and with my spiritual task, the freeing up of my life force energy that is required for my journey to proceed, the opening of my heart.

I saw myself with my beloved as I lay sleepless, and at one point I got up to write about what that felt like, here it is: We fell into each other’s energy fields like we were coming home to roost, so easy, so comfortable. As if a thousand lives entwined us through the ages, and our souls knew every nuance of every moment, inscribed upon our hearts for evermore.

Oh my Beloved…………………………………

moonandfaeriesLove

The Source of all the Juice.

I can feel all this poetry swirling around in my head, just below the surface of consciousness, a hint of symmetry, of feeling and of cadence. How can I  tap into this fertile source of creativity and bring forth great bursts of inspiration, a conundrum that has been pondered over for centuries. From what source does such brightness flower?

For me in the past it has simply happened in the moment, lots of different factors coming together to provide that magical opening to the realms of invention. I wrote 34,000 words of a novel once, and while it remains an unfinished manuscript, I learned a lot by going through the process. Once I got through the HUGE resistance to doing it, I found that simply sitting down with a blank page and opening my imaginative eye was all I had to do. There would be a word or a sentence, or an image, and from that all else would flow, like a river of joy.

Writing in the space of this blog is much the same, I generally have no idea what I’m going to write about, I begin and it unfolds, and it often surprises me. I like surprises! You know, I think this is the fun that you have when you’re doing what you are meant to do, the happiness of being in your purpose, the flow of meaning.

I know I have to somehow find ways of actually earning a proper income, so I can do all sorts of basic self-care things, like get my teeth fixed and get my boxes in storage sent up to where I am now. Financially I feel a bit like my hands are tied behind my back, and the blindfold I was wearing is still half on,  old beliefs are still trying to weigh me down and sink me to the bottom of the pool.

But at the same time I am happier than I have ever been, the community that I live in is beautiful and nourishing and I feel like I am resting in the safe space of home. And this writing fills me with exhilaration and excitement, it is a pleasure to craft each post, to find a title and images that come together in a perfection that I can feel in my body.

I am following the path of my heart completely, may it lead me to that far horizon which is within me, the fullness inside that is bursting to be released, full of juicy joy for a wonderful life!

Juicy orange