I’ve been asked a couple of times what I mean when I talk about processing stuff and releasing it out of the body. Stuff seems like a terribly vague description, yet its hard to find another word that sums it up as well. There are so many elements involved when shifts are occurring, it’s feelings, physical sensations, thoughts, movement of energy, somehow stuff just seems to cover all possibilities.
For me I often notice a sensation of dis-ease in my belly, if there is a lot going on it can affect my appetite so I’m not very hungry. In the lead up to my big release last saturday, I ate out at the film society and they had one of my favourite deserts, lemon tart, but I had absolutely no desire for it, couldn’t even finish my main meal.
When I left the rain was pouring and the wind was howling, and I began to feel a sense of emptiness and deep sadness even as I drove away. By the time I got home the sadness was really strong and I sat to write for a time, I let words just come, I reflected on my afternoon and evening, nothing seemed to fit for what I was feeling.
Finally I went to bed and lay there not able to sleep as the feelings continued to move and my mind wandered. At one point I remembered something I had said to my friend about the decimation of my self-esteem, from the age of 16 to about 18, and how I felt that I had only rebuilt the last of it in the last year and a half, here in my new home. In that moment everything came together and I thought of taking 30 years to come back to myself, and I wept as I released all the feelings and sensations that had been swirling around inside me.
It felt HUGE and the next day I felt AMAZING, mum came to visit and noted how clear I was looking, after she’d gone I looked in the mirror and it was like a new person looking back at me. Who is this gorgeous woman I said to myself as I gazed upon this incredible sight, the clarity in my face was extraordinary!
Whatever we have experienced and not fully expressed, gets crystalised in the cells of the body. You can understand past events with your mind but at the end of the day, it will be the trauma held in your cellular memory that is actually running you. It’s an ongoing process, I had another big release the next night and even now I can feel dis-ease in my belly.
I have the intention to heal everything in this lifetime, so I really can’t complain when things keep coming up. Slowly but surely my life gets better and better, my capacity for experiencing happiness and joy continues to expand, and at last I can truly say to myself, I love you Kerry, you are perfect exactly as you are in this moment, and mean every word.