And so the loss sits in my heart, the contraction that will often follow a period of great bliss and joy, the light that has been streaming in illuminates whatever needs to move. There is no story attached to it, something that I don’t need anymore is leaving me and I feel sadness as it’s moving out, I feel myself going within to be alone until this has passed and I may go into the world again. Which by the way will be tomorrow!
Sounding a bit like a Greek tragedy am I not? The pain is deep because I am allowing myself to feel all of it, but it’s transitory, and when it’s gone I will be that much lighter for the surrender that has occurred. I sat in a Tesla Stargate today and felt strong energies moving through my body, this feeling I have now is no doubt a part of the healing process, expansion followed by contraction, followed by a lightening of the load.
I choose to surrender to the space that my soul is sailing through, an ocean with many currents and none of them right, and none of them wrong, simply what is in the moment. I allow the moisture to form in my windows on the world, the place where those who know how to look may truly see me. Just as I feel myself expressing the truth of my deepest self to be witnessed, I am able to perceive all the ways in which I still am holding back.
It’s tempting to dabble in a little self-flagellation, but alas I am awake to the drawbacks of that particular game and so I shall have to simply accept that I am a work in progress. I can feel little Miss I have to get it right, possibly even perfect, still finding a voice to nag with, but her power has much diminished. I think that I sometimes go a bit unconscious when big shifts are moving through, my brain can get a bit foggy and so that probably gives the little Miss the idea that she might be able to take over.
No such luck sweetheart, this is one crazy lady who can always find compassion in her heart for her own sweet self, even when she feels like a bit of a dummy. So goodnight to serious considerations and hello to Buffy, or perhaps a bit of travel through the world of Robin Hobb’s fantasies, as the dolphins said just before they left the earth that had been marked for demolition by a Vogon Fleet, “Goodby and thanks for all the fish!”