After the toning circle when we were having nibbles and cups of tea, I began to feel light-headed and a bit nauseous and had to sit down. I hadn’t had any lunch but there was nothing in the food to cause a reaction like that, so I figured I needed to get home and sit with whatever was coming up. So I sat with it for an hour, and felt the nausea in my belly move up until it was a pain in my head that eventually moved out completely.
It wasn’t until I began to write that I began to understand what I had been letting go of, it was abandonment and loss, loss of self and of my father, loss of purpose, of love, the death of all things. And the pain of my sexuality trying to blossom in the midst of confusion and despair. This has been a big theme for me in much of the shifting that I’ve been doing, but for now I think it’s more about cleaning up after myself and integrating. I’m not saying I’ve healed it all but there was a wholesale clearing that happened when I had my second breath session two weeks ago.
It was a holotropic breath session which means loud music and pretty much anything goes as long as nobody gets hurt! Early in the session I felt like I couldn’t breathe and eventually ended up crouched on my hands and knees feeling intense fear as my therapist used a pillow to give me the sense of compression. She felt it was a birth experience and she was right, my birth was extremely traumatic, there was a lot of anger in there too. I was making very loud sounds, and at one point there was an incredible harmonic that rang through my head, which felt like it was huge, my entire being resonated with the frequency. I don’t yet know the significance of that sound but I know it’s important.
Our birth is really our first sexual experience, and mine reflected what I was bringing in for my healing in this incarnation. I would love to think the job was complete but at the very least a big layer has shifted, and I find myself becoming more and more confident. There are times when the energy is moving so strongly it’s like a big power surge, it’s exciting and at times frustrating, but I am never bored!
Oh Shiva and Shakti, may I channel your amazing life force in the best possible way for me and for all life everywhere.