Towards the end of 2005 I went to the Central Desert and participated in Women’s Desert Ceremonies with about 80 white women and a number of Aboriginal women. I was fortunate enough to share the experience with my mother, it’s probably the most amazing ceremony that I have ever been a part of and something I will never forget. I can’t tell you about it because it’s Secret Women’s Business, and we agreed that we would only speak about it with other women with whom we had shared the journey.
So now you are thinking I am an awful tease, but it’s a necessary prelude to my subject here today, the long dark night of the soul. That time in the desert had a profound effect on me and when I came back I found I needed lots of time to myself. My flat mate moved out and even though I really couldn’t afford to live there on my own it seemed impossible to find the right person to move in. So I lived on my own and slowly but surely got more and more behind with my rent, and began to spiral down into a very dark place.
I couldn’t afford to use drugs or alcohol to dull my senses so I had no choice but to be with the intense feelings that were coming up for me. I remember a time when it felt like every cell in my body was screaming, if you’ve seen that painting called The Scream, that’s what was happening in every part of my being and I just didn’t know what to do about it. In the end I decided that if there wasn’t anything to do then I would do nothing, and I immediately fell into one of the deepest meditations I have ever experienced. I don’t know how long I spent there, but when I came back to myself, I felt that peace that passeth all understanding in every part of my being.
More on this dark time of my soul in my next post…………………it is darkest before the dawn, yet when you are in that place of hell and brimstone it truly doth feel like eternity, with the dawn a distant memory trailing on the edges of awareness……….only faith and sheer bloody mindedness will pull you through!