The darkness doth swallow me and no matter where I look, no matter where my footsteps take me, despair and misery follow at my heels, hopelessness dogging every step. How can I go on and yet what other choice is there? The voices of traumas past cluster inside my soul until I am wont to scream, but my voice is caught inside the prison of my self-made armour. To reach for succour is but to polish that armour and make it strong, no comfort can take me to the bright dawn that is waiting upon the other side of forever. The only way forward is to sit with these feelings that drag me down into an icy pool of horror and loss, abandonment and madness.
And that’s what I did, I sat with those feelings, much of that time is hazy in my memory’s eye, but there are moments that do stand out in the fog. A time when I was on the edge of the abyss and wrote the mythical story of my life as a tool to clamber back over the lip of the cliff on to solid ground. I began with my birth and wrote up to the moment that I was in, then I continued the story to a triumphant conclusion, as you will find in any good mythic tale. By the time I came to the end of the story I had gone from the depths of despair, to ecstasy and joy.
My time in the desert cracked me open in ways that I didn’t really understand at the time, I knew that things had shifted on a profound level of my being but much of what was occurring was below my conscious knowing. The spiritual emergence that followed was harrowing at times, but I don’t regret a moment of it. I don’t believe that everyone has to go through something like that, but for me it was necessary, and the gifts that have come from that time are a rich bounty that continue to support and nurture me in my growth.
I am grateful that my evolution comes now more through bliss and joy, and that the moments of darker challenge are like bubbles floating up to dissolve in the sunshine, merging into all that is, the unity consciousness that is beneath all things.