Monthly Archives: May 2013

The Father Weeps.

raintrees

Winter descends with a grip grown icy, and begins to weep and weep, mirroring my own deep sadness, gentle, but pervading my entire being, soft and spiraling down. Every new beginning contains the end of all manner of things, as I move through this transition with as much grace as I can muster, almost gliding along at times.

The death of a small animal that was mine to care for, the death of a dream that was never actually mine, the shifts and changes in relationship and the opening of new doorways. What seemed exciting the day before is hollowed out by nature’s sobbing, the deep relaxation found in the meditation at the end of my morning practice is still there inside me, a huge white space that holds the promise of freedom, yet feels cold.

This is not misery nor despair, it is not loss nor is it abandonment. The truth is that this is not completely mine, I take responsiblity for the emptiness for that is where I source my true power, ’tis where my fullness lies. But the sadness comes from another, a deep connection that does not want to be severed, it fears to embrace the glory of the fullness that was open to its seeking tendrils, yet neither can it let go. Attraction and repulsion playing an inner tug of war beneath the level of conscious awareness, am I perhaps going into madness, and yet my intuition is quite sure of what it knows.

From Oracle of the Dragonfae by Lucy Cavendish.

From Oracle of the Dragonfae by Lucy Cavendish.

Before I sat down to write I took a card from Lucy Cavendish’s Oracle of the Dragonfae, Gwynne and Elluish, which told me that my connection to nature is getting stronger and that my intuition is growing with it, and that I will be receiving messages from my own inner knowing that I can trust. So I tend to believe what is coming to me in the way of that knowledge and I break that deep connection with much love and great respect, there will always be love, after all, where could it go?

And as I do this the sadness begins to lift, leaving only the emptiness…………..pregnant with the dawn of a new day that is almost ready to peep over the horizon………..my inner smile grows……as Father Sky continues to weep and weep.

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Love This Moment (It’s all you’ve got!)

“Peace is present right here and now, in ourselves and in everything we do and see.
Every breath we take, every step we take, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity.
The question is whether or not we are in touch with it.
We need only to be awake, alive in the present moment.”

An amazing sense of having my life back envelops me in presence, how we can stray and become lost without even realising that we are no longer fully here, in this moment. How long have I been gone I ask myself, and cannot find an answer. I guess I must have popped back from time to time, even if it was simply to write these posts, a wonderful exercise in being present!

There are moments of drinking in nature’s gifts of green leaves and sunshine and listening to the bell birds that have happened over and over again. I remember this clearly, so perhaps I’m being a little bit hard on myself, memories of preparing food with love and talking to quarrelsome chooks and squeaking guinea pigs. I have been here, but I’ve also been spending too much time in an imaginary future that never ever had foundations, I knew that on some level but I chose to be in denial for a time.

So now I AM HERE!!!!! In this body, in this beautiful part of the world, in a life full of love and connection, stimulation and passion, and good old-fashioned fun! Enough of the misery and tears, letting go of the pain and the anger, and if there is even the tiniest bit of resentment, scraping it out with ruthless intent. My favourite definition of resentment comes from Carrie Fisher, not only Princess Leia from Star Wars, but also a very funny author, she says that “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Princess_Leia

Well I’m not going to waste my time waiting for another person to trip themselves up with their own stupidity, they can do that quite well enough on their own. Mmmmmmm………do I note a little bit of anger in that last statement, ok so I’m not perfect, but I’m working on it already! The best way to let go of all of that is to be in my life as fully as I can, and to have fun no matter what I am doing.

LET THE CELEBRATION BEGIN!!!!!!

Brave The Storm!

I keep thinking of that Split Enz song, ‘Six Months in a Leaky Boat’, I’ve recently had ten days that felt like being in a storm on a boat in the middle of the ocean, there were calm spells but the storm kept coming back, and I felt incredibly battered and bruised by the end of it. The sea of course is representing my emotional state of being, the trigger was very much outside of me and created a swirling vortex of mixed emotions. And finally I began to allow myself to feel anger, I know I always say, “Don’t blame the trigger”, but there’s nothing wrong with righteous anger in response to inappropriate behaviour, as long as you don’t go out and kill someone, however much you would like to!

stormatsea

The trick here is to keep focusing on what is happening for you, express your truth to another if that’s what’s needed, but have no expectation on how it will be received. The most important thing is to speak it, if the person you are communicating with chooses to disregard possible insights that may be there for them, then that’s their business, and really, do you actually want to be in charge of sorting out someone else’s crap? I didn’t think so, well neither do I, so I’m doing my best to let go of the need to be right, and to be at peace with the clarity that is now crystal clear around me, as clear as the night sky in my haven in the bush.

There is a sense of freedom and liberation that is becoming more and more expanded in my being, the grief grows less and less, and I can open into the inner space that has suddenly become available. It’s happening very fast so I guess I was ready to go there, with all the shedding I’ve been doing the inner realms would have to be becoming more streamlined!

Moral of the story, never give up no matter how long and bloody the road, follow your intuition and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. And always be true to yourself, even when it scares the bejesus out of you!

Here is Split Enz singing ‘Six Months in a Leaky Boat’, even more apt then I remembered, when you strike out to explore new territory it can get pretty uncomfortable, but go for it anyway!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeKdUeb1InI

The Dark Spell Breaks.

The princess was disenchanted with love and so she turned her back upon the thronging mill of suitors and retired to her ivory tower for many years. There she studied strange and arcane matters with teachers from far off lands, she purified herself body and soul, and for hours she would meditate in utter stillness. The princess listened to the voice of her soul and communicated with faeries and angels, she talked to trees and to the birds perched on their branches.

princessfairys

At long last she felt ready to enter the world again and the whole kingdom breathed a sigh of relief, she was the youngest and most beautiful child in the royal family, and all had missed her sorely. A ball and a banquet was held to welcome her back, and the noble men of the court competed with each other to escort her to this fine occasion. She cared for none of them, but was drawn to a stranger with dark eyes and hair, who exuded a magnetic charm that she could not resist.

He wove such a spell on her that she could think of nothing else for days, for months, he would visit her often and was charming at times, and at other times cold. All her knowledge and training did not prevent her falling under the spell of this dark magician, once again it seemed she was lost to her family and to her kingdom.

In her despair the princess turned to a wise woman who had been one of her teachers and asked her, “What shall I do mother dear, all my peace has fled and the great mysteries no longer hold out their promise to me?” The old woman told the princess to lie down and she took her on a soul journey through her mind and imagination, together they went to the dark citadel where the magician kept his treasures. They found the blue jewel that he had stolen from her being and restored it to its proper place in the power centre of her throat.

Upon waking from this trance the princess found that the spell had broken, and her thoughts were her own again, once again she could speak her truth and explore the great mysteries, enjoy the sunshine, and run in the snow. She decided in that moment that she would never again give her power away to another soul, that if it were her destiny to marry, it would only be to one who loved her for her strength and power, and who would always be content for her to be the great soul that she indeed was.

And she did indeed meet such a man, but that is a tale for another time………….

The Raging Phoenix.

Red hot I release my anger, coming fast upon the tears that open the gateways to even deeper parts of self, letting go of restraint with no one to hear or to judge, I call upon Kali in her destructive face to cut away that which is not in integrity. When all the lies are stripped away she turns her creative face upon me, and together we shall shape a new kind of world, one in which that which is not true to itself can not hold its form.

Oh what judgement lies here, ’tis not to be seen in the wider world, simply released and thereby to become free. When emotions come up that are not considered to be ok, anger, jealousy, resentment, so often we push them back down again because they are not ‘socially acceptable’. Even when we are in our own space with no one to see, our private audience of critics watch carefully to make sure that we do not cross the line of what is permissible.

Oh Goddess, let me be in my fullness as a wild woman, let me be true to myself and my emotional realms no matter where they may take me. Help me to let go of all that has been held in readiness, for that moment of courage, when the speaking of truth became more urgent than the fears that held it back from that place of strength and power. I am a whole being full of light, I do not depend upon another to radiate that light into the world.

The purifying force of anger and rage, the cleansing waters of deepest grief, wash away my fears, bring illumination to my mind, my body and my soul. Let me be reborn from the ashes, like the phoenix glowing in a golden haze, like the soul on its journey through the eons.

Phoenix_Rising

Blessed be, blessed be…………….may the show go on, and remember always that it is, in the end, just another story……….feel free to do a rewrite at any time!

The Empty Heart.

Following the stream of consciousness into the complexity of shape and form, physical, emotional and mental, pathways of neurons, atoms as fractals spiral through the fabric of it all. Letting go of the ego mind my quantum vision is a journey without edges or boundaries, it flows in circles that never end, passing through past, future and present tenses. More often than anything else it is moving within my pleasant tense, bringing purple thoughts of a being made of light, bathing the world in the violet flame.

‘Tis a quiet call to action, no more the clarion call that was required to wake the dead, to blast away the rotting waste that hampered my every step, a graveyard perfume that is lost in the fragrance of the blossoming present moment. All is fresh and new, the flowers opening their petals again and again, as if spring reigned eternal, the pulsating energy centres connecting and flowing as I dive into the void. That welcoming emptiness is warm and inviting, the home hearth fire at which I will always be safe, always be known, always be myself.

To know oneself is a journey that spirals in the shape of the eternity symbol, so many ways to travel and yet they all lead back to the same place. My clear calm centre of beingness that never changes, my perception may dress it in a coat of many colours, yet it remains what is, and what has, and will always be. So when you are weary of the bustle and excitement and stimulation of the wide, wide, world, when your imagination is stuffed with the images and shapes of so much variety, come back to the dark womb of creation, that emptiness that contains it all, the field of potential.

Take a deep breath………….. and dive in!

This beautiful song by Miten expresses that emptiness which is so full, please have a listen and let it touch your heart as it does mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ag-TV4TptoY

The Flow Of Spirit In Me.

There is a sense of space unfolding within me, great vistas opening up as I let go of the connection that held me hostage, even as I held it. It’s true what they say, control is generally a two-way street, although that’s hard to accept when we see victims being treated in horrific ways. If we all choose to be here on the planet and choose where and who we will be born to, then there’s always going to be personal responsibility for the consequences of those choices. And there are those who come here to help and support the weak and the helpless, as long as they are working to empower those who are powerless, the balance may be restored.

I choose to focus on that journey in my inner world as I step into my power, my neediness falls away and there is a new steadiness and confidence in my body, mind and soul. It will be necessary to remain mindful, the connections that have been severed will probably not go quietly, I will have to remain in my own power and integrity, not allow myself to be hooked back into the drama. Without the dramas I have the room to pursue my dreams, to explore these landscapes that are emerging from the hidden depths of this magnificent soul, that has been lost in the arrogance of low self-esteem for far too long.

Low self-esteem, arrogance? A strange combination you might say, but I understood quite some time ago that my lack of confidence in myself was as much of an ego trip as someone like Clive Palmer or Gina Rinehart. The term that conveyed this to me at the time was, “Who am I to refuse the flow of spirit through me?”. So now I make the affirmation, to open fully to spirit and to allow it to flow through me in whatever ways are most appropriate, to benefit not only myself, but all life in all its forms, everywhere.

So be it, so be it, so be it.