Sadness slips out of me and pools on the floor, it wants to be numb, but I can’t go there anymore, I have to feel it no matter how hard, how painful. I’ve felt worse, this is a gentle feeling although it still sucks the life out of you, let it be but don’t indulge it, for it may lead you into inertia and a downhill spiral that will leave you without breath in your body, or spirit in your soul. It’s a sense of loss that opens up a grey place where everything is hopeless and nobody ever wakes up or escapes. I used to get lost in that place but now I am merely a visitor, watching the scene and feeling it in my heart, but knowing I can leave at any time.
Sleep will wash away the fog and bring me into a bright new day, the loss is for something I never actually had even for a moment, so how hard can the letting go be! Dear Goddess, I’ve been so very good, I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do, I’m following the path of spirit as best as I possibly can, is there not a long clear day for me sometime soon? Where I can rest on my laurels for a moment, and walk hand in hand with joy and not a care in the whole wide world, where the inner peace that is within me is filling me and flowing out into the world around me.
That day will be tomorrow, but until then I am in this place of bitter-sweet half regret, I have to keep feeling it and then letting it go, feeling and letting go, knowing that it is all a part of the process and that being alone is the biggest illusion of all. And yet that does not stop us from feeling the pain of loss, for who amongst us can lay claim to true sovereignty over self, true surrender to what is.
From a poem by Sir Thomas Wyatt
And wilt thou leave me thus,That hath loved thee so longIn wealth and woe among?And is thy heart so strongAs for to leave me thus?