As you read this I am already on my journey as I sit in the medicine circle and go deeper and deeper, surrendering to my intention to explore the terror that has been coming up for me, and seeking insight for the physical issues that I am sure are connected. I may not find anything that I will be able to convey to you in words that would make any sense, but I will know in my body, what the next steps in the course of my healing shall be.
Actually I already know what one of the next steps will be, another therapy session known sometimes as body based psychotherapy, I’ve just had one and even more seems to be coming up. And it was even more intense this time, I knew it was just energy and that it would pass but I struggled to separate myself from the terror which was overwhelming. When another session was suggested I felt enormous reluctance, a sure sign post that this is the direction that will help to uncover and release whatever is ready to go.
I cannot begin to describe what the terror feels like, I think I now have a little bit of insight into how it is for those who suffer with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The last time it happened there were two parts of me, one was observing and the other lost in the terror, try as I might I couldn’t fully separate from the panic but at least there was an awareness that it was just energy, that I was perfectly safe with my lover. He was holding space for me and letting me be where I needed to be while at the same time assuring me that I was safe. I had to have the light on for a while in order to feel safe enough not to totally freak out!
I remind myself that those feelings of terror have been inside me for a very long time and were impacting my well-being even when buried deep in my soul. So when I let them keep moving and truly let go, that part of me gets freed up, I get to be more of who I am, all of me. But sometimes getting to that place can be a bit scary, luckily I have all kinds of loving support, see you on the other side!