Life continues to be interesting, not crisis exactly but with that frisson of opportunity and danger. Sometimes a blessing and at times a seeming curse my sensitivity helps me navigate through the energetic currents even as it means feeling more deeply. That might be a bit scary at first especially if you aren’t used to it and even when you let go of the fear you are sometimes left with pure discomfort. Something that can be endured in a spirit of clearing, as strong energies are triggered and then move through my system in a variety of ways. Being sick with the flu for three weeks for example and then as that moves off my bladder issues suddenly flare up. Guess I am still playing host to a colony of resistant E-Coli bacteria, at least I know what to do now and it doesn’t involve antibiotics.
There are moments when you wonder what it’s all for but luckily there are also many moments when I know exactly what is so good about being alive in this moment of time that I am existing in. I have found a solid foundation of being happy and content in my life even when there are other more difficult energies moving towards transformation. Through the constant sea of change I always have my Beloved, a relationship that is constantly growing and changing and becoming deeper. I call my Beloved my rock even though he is not always stable, neither am I for that matter but when you make cracks it is possible to go deeper. I particularly like the bits where progress and understanding comes through experiencing bliss through pleasure in love.
Love is the sea I like to swim in most of all, whether it be in love-making, dance and connecting with other beautiful people. Love is all you need, aho!
This flu has finally shifted enough that I managed a full day of training for work today, hallelujah! I’m tired but also feeling very grounded after getting out of the home environment into somewhere completely different. We had an awesome facilitator and it was great to focus on something other than being sick and pissed off. This rotten flu is still in my body and may be there as a low-level thing for a bit but I do feel more myself than I have done in three weeks. Three weeks! I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like for people who are sick for months or years at a time. This experience will certainly expand my empathy for those who have health problems that go on and on, so easy to get stuck in a loop.
My loop has been broken and while I will attend to the issues that have been annoying me so much I feel like I can let go of it all until then. Holding on to things that you can’t do anything about is very counter productive but also very human. And maybe as my health continues to improve I might be able to do some fruitful investigation of some of the feelings that have been getting triggered so strongly for me. There are genuine issues that I am quite angry about but I am aware also that those same issues have triggered other deeper feelings. And when stuff comes up it is always a golden opportunity to shed more of the excess baggage that gets in the way of me being my wondrous larger self!
So a much more optimistic post this week, who knows what wonders the next week will bring as I move back into a healthier state of mind. And mindfulness and self-care too to make sure I don’t overspend my returning energy.
Mike Myers as “The Love Guru”
I don’t remember ever being sick for two whole weeks in my entire life to this point! It is debilitating, frustrating and when you are depending on picking up casual work in order to make a decent kind of income it’s stressful too! Yet again my Guru, or Spirit, is giving me the opportunity to fully embrace the notion of trust. How wonderful!
The things I was lamenting as undone in my last grumpy post remain undone. And yet it is still possible at times to be sufficiently focused and bloody minded to achieve some things. Putting a playlist together for our next dance this Sunday did not require physical effort so I chose to focus on that yesterday. I felt horrible and completely uninspired but I just plugged away and in the end I created a playlist I can be proud of. It also removed some of the stress that has been lurking around all the things that my Beloved and I are behind on with this long sickness.
Sometimes it is a bit like that saying they have in Alcoholics Anonymous:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
If the word God disturbs you then feel free to substitute it for whatever word you like to use to describe a higher power in your life. It is a moving feast too, something that seems impossible for me to change today may suddenly become a completely different kettle of fish tomorrow. But if you are doing what you can in the moment there is a level of satisfaction even when you are still swimming in a sea of frustration.
Having said all that I must confess to feeling a bit grumpy about this flu dragging on and on. I am feeling better than I was but still not completely recovered, the fuel tanks are empty and I feel quite exhausted. So I will continue to do my best to surrender to this whole sorry mess and to trust that Spirit and I know what we are doing.
I was so terribly enthusiastic last week I published my post a day early by mistake! Today I am writing a day early but with a very different and not nearly so entertaining vibe, might hang back on the publishing bit just in case I depress all of you lovely people. But it’s important to be honest about where I am at, I was already pissed off last week when I came down with a very annoying flu. So is that a reflection of my state of mind? Maybe a factor but there are lots of reasons why we sometimes get sick, it is one of the way that the body tries to heal us and doesn’t necessarily mean that we’ve been doing anything wrong.
I worked 35 hours over two weeks at all kinds of strange hours, starting at 9am, 4am and 10 pm and I think that my body is feeling a bit confused at the moment. Bodies are wonderfully adaptive and I am a master at navigating shift work but even I struggle with this particular craziness. That isn’t what is pissing me off though, the changeability of work has been a response from management to keep me employed and they are doing their best to look after us all. There is mutual interest involved naturally and respect for the skills I have built up over 3 years of doing overnight shifts so I can live with some temporary discomfort.
The Knight of Swords tarot card.
Actually the impulse for getting annoyed is very much a Knight of Swords kind of story and so in some ways can’t really be attributed to anything on the outside. It is a time when I am stepping into my power and doing things my way without apology and that is the kind of energy that looks for a focus so it can be expressed. I have spent rather a lot of my life being self-effacing and so stepping into a space of putting my needs first can feel almost aggressive even though it isn’t really at all. I am finding that the trick is not to rush into actions that are a part of this emerging new self of mine. Grumble and whinge to my long-suffering Beloved perhaps but to sit with the feelings and see if they stay the same.
So sometimes they do move on and I can let the so-called issues go, and sometimes the feelings remain and even grow. That’s when I know that I need to take some kind of action in response. I’m sitting in that place at the moment but being sick has put a halt to everything and so I am doing my best to deal with the frustration at not being able to follow-up. And no I am not going to go into detail here, it isn’t the correct forum for it but I do hope that you dear readers will be in happy receipt of the thoughts and emotions that arise from the process.
We respond to the world based on the inner lens that we have developed through our childhood and from our experiences in the world. As a result not everybody reacts to the same situation in the same way. Kind of obvious I hear you say but here is the truly radical part, we can change our programming and therefore change our response to anything that life may throw at us. So that is what I’m doing, changing the programming that used to tell me that I wasn’t good enough and that standing up for what I believe is dangerous and frightening. I may not get the outcome I would prefer but in some ways that isn’t so relevant anyway. By creating fundamental change in who I am and how I behave I become empowered and strong and feel so much better about myself!