And so it goes on this process of integration……..and on and on……….. This is turning out to be a much bigger process than I ever imagined it would be, there is definitely a weight to the transition to marriage that has surprised me. Since my last post I have continued to sit with a certain amount of pain in my body, mostly centred around my head, neck and shoulders. There is a pain in my head that I am familiar with and that I associate with feelings of lack or scarcity. I had an amazing bodywork session last week that found all my sore bits and got the energies in my body flowing and which actually released all the pain for about 15 minutes. Then the head pain came back and since then it comes and goes, at times extremely painful and just plain sore at others.
In my last post I described how it felt like I was throwing up my cage, shedding outmoded ideas of who I am and what I can expect from life. My dear Beloved came up with a very interesting idea about the pain that I have been experiencing, especially in my head since that big purge. He suggested that the return of the pain after the bodywork might be me being conscious of returning back to ‘normality’ and feeling the parts of the cage that are still present. Wow! The process of shifting my deep beliefs around abundance has been ongoing for many years now as I have become more and more conscious of my attachment to scarcity or lack. The number of layers that I have shed over the years has been staggering but what is occurring right now feels like the biggest yet!
The physical expression of our inner world continued this weekend just past as my Beloved and I both had an attack of a gastro bug. He went first on the Saturday with his fast metabolism but I had my turn yesterday and sadly was unable to sing with my choir. Yet another opportunity for my body to shed that which it no longer requires, I had my first light meal late afternoon when I was starting to feel a little bit more human. Belly is still feeling a bit sore today but it is accepting food again. I believe that to truly shift deeply held beliefs it is sometimes necessary to go through a physical shedding of some kind. What we think and feel is experienced through the physical matter of the body and is expressed not only chemically but also energetically in our cells. So when we are letting go of toxic belief systems it makes a lot of sense that it would be a very physical process.
The proof of the pudding is as they say in the eating so it will be most interesting to see how this transition manifests in the life that my Beloved and I are creating together. There are already examples of that shift in our financial realm but the most exciting aspect is the shift in how I feel about abundance. That is the critical part that will ultimately make for an even more abundant and happy life, feeling that I deserve all that yumminess!
My Beloved and I decided to take a little bit of a honeymoon over a few days to take the opportunity to do some integration and celebration of our sacred union. It has been interesting noticing what has been going on in my inner world, especially when people ask the question, “How does it feel to be a married woman?” We do ritual a lot so while the wedding is still very big it may not carry quite the same weight as it does for many who enter into the process. But it is big enough and I felt stuff coming up on the first day of our retreat, some of it quite beautiful but there was also a lot of pain that came into my body as well. I had pain in my head and neck and shoulders and it created severe nausea in my belly that got really bad to the point where all I could do was sit with the pain and hold there. Not much fun I hear you say and you would be right but even as I sat in that place I was aware of what it was I was shedding so painfully.
It was my ‘cage’ that I was throwing up, all the things I’m supposed to be according to ‘polite society’. The shedding may not be pretty or enjoyable but the clarity that comes after letting go of what you’re ‘supposed’ to be can be very empowering and the choices just keep getting broader. For me getting married helps to anchor me into this place of freedom where my Beloved and I support each other to be the best that we can possibly be. This leads to personal happiness and important contributions to the community, there is no need for anyone to be lacking in anything in fact. We truly do live in a world where it is possible for everyone to have their needs met without anyone doing it hard or having to manage without important things. It all comes down to the way in which you view the world, see it as a malleable place that will respond to my needs and that is exactly what I will perceive and therefore receive.
Anyway my method of dealing with painful passages is to sit with the feelings and sensations until they eventually move on. It isn’t always easy but it is relatively simple to do and it works if you stick at it. When you get to the other side there is often a feeling of lightness that comes after all the shedding. The rest of our retreat was lovely and involved indulgence in food and drink, dance, yoga, and poetry, swimming and sauna and of course love making. I feel almost complete from our wedding now, a sense of growing up in the world and being ready to step into the next phase as a member of a unit that has now been acknowledged in the eyes of the world. So what next now I wonder? Stay tuned for my next post as Kerry and Brendan move into the next part of their amazing life!
Well here I am a couple of weeks since my last post and still feeling like I’m coming back into the world after a wonderfully crazy whirlwind. Everything was pointed at one special day and with all the energy and focus that we put in and with the incredible support from a heart-centred community that we had it all went beautifully. Our face painter outdid herself and worked really hard to give me a perfect day of the dead bride face as well as many other intricately drawn faces for our guests. I was delighted at how many people did dress up and paint their faces, the visuals on the day were a feast for the senses!
We had Death as our co-celebrant which probably seems like a strange choice in the modern mainstream world but in the realm of ritual it makes perfect sense. There is a story of how the Gods and Goddesses in Olympus forgot to invite the Goddess Discord to a celebration on one occasion and of course she turned up anyway and created, you guessed it, ‘discord’! So if you are having a big life event don’t forget to invite your shadow because it will come anyway and without being conscious about it all sorts of strife can occur. While we were doing the official signing Death was entertaining the gathering with her rendition of “Dance me to the end of love”, a gorgeous Leonard Cohen song that explores love as only he can. In light of Leonard’s recent passing I am even more pleased that we had that particular song in our ceremony.
Our official celebrant.
Death, the unofficial celebrant.
There were meditations on our connection to the land and to our ancestors and to each other which moved from silence into toning. I am deeply grateful to the women who led these meditations as my Beloved and I were able to let go of being ‘facilitators’ and simply be present as the two main participants. We spoke the words written by my Beloved and made the commitment to never take each other for granted and to always remember how precious our life is together. It all turned out perfectly and my Beloved and I had such a happy day celebrating our love with dear friends and family.
There may be more over the next few weeks but for now that will do. Being married is a BIG thing and I think it will take some time to integrate and feel the differences. We are having a bit of a honeymoon this week so that may be an opportunity to dive in to whatever may be stirring in the depths. Because I can feel it somewhere deep down and it will be most interesting to see what emerges…………… love and blissings to all!