Tag Archives: abandonment

Traces of The Past, Letting Go Ecstatically.

It’s a bleak day and my Beloved is away, but my life is so full of happiness these days, I can hardly feel blue. But I can feel ‘stuff’ moving through and the cold, wet and windy day, seems like rather a large reflection of this. I let go of a few bits of baggage, an echo of loss, traces of abandonment, these wounds run deep but surely the layers will run out one day. They certainly become less and less over time as you shed, and what you attract into your life shifts with it.

But you will require patience on a path of this kind, the road to my current ecstatic space has been pretty rocky at times. Sometimes you have to take risks as you follow your heart. And finding self-love is such an important foundation to live an inspired and ecstatic life, living with purpose! Somehow most of the crazy shit I’ve done in this existence is coming together and will help me to step even more fully upon my spiritual path. Look for a common thread that runs through your life, for me it has been an eternal fascination with consciousness, altered states of all kinds.

ayahuasca image 2

Don’t settle for anything less than all that you can be, we are living in times of great transition, end times, and there is the opportunity to write new stories for a new age. And so I go into my cave as the wind blows outside my door, and I cosy up to a hot water bottle, eating chocolate and reading books about magic. A time of rest as the Mother washes us clean and nourishes the plants making everything green again. At the moment it can’t be seen much through the mist, hoping it will clear next weekend for the Maleny Music Weekend.

maleny music weekend 14

Looking forward to seeing my Beloved this evening, couldn’t wait for four days so we meet sort of half way to sleep in each others arms before he arms himself and goes back to the big smoke. Not my knight in shining armour but my King, someone I can rely on to be strong and steady even as he shows his tenderest heart.

Thank you my Love…………blissings to you all!

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Abandoned In The Darkness I Open To The Light.

light-in-the-darknessA new chapter is often fraught with risks and uncertainties as well as great treasures and rewards, this is very much the case for me at the moment as I navigate my way through this time of birthday celebrations. It began with a couple of big journeys as I sat in my medicine circle over two nights, there was a lot of energy moving and it wasn’t very comfortable, downright tortuous if you must know, but worth it for the light streaming out at the end of the tunnel. I was very aware as I was in the darkness that my willingness to face that part of myself would ultimately help me to sink deeper into the ocean of bliss that is available to us all!

sunset water

The story continues as I encounter old feelings of rejection and abandonment, my beautiful lover had to leave my bed to get some sleep as I snored in his ear and that triggered all of that old stuff even as I knew that he had not really left me at all. But when the feelings are moving through and telling me that I’ve lost my Beloved, that he’s angry or pissed off with me, it is very hard for the rational part of me to have any impact in what’s going on in my inner world. Luckily my Beloved and I are not afraid to talk about these things, we share with each other openly and honestly everything that is happening inside. It’s scary sometimes to be so open and vulnerable to another human being, but the more that we do it the deeper we dive into an intimacy that goes beyond anything that I have experienced in my life so far.

soulmates

Feeling emotionally drained but at the same time so very grateful for this incredible relationship that is helping me to let go of so much that was not supporting me in my life. I finally feel safe enough to go to places that were too frightening to visit without someone to hold my hand, to hold space as I navigate my path from the darkness to the light.

Thank you Beloved, you mean the world to me, and my world is a much brighter place for having you in it!

And the song that sums it up for me from Deva Premal and Miten, “Till I was  loved by you”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZL8m_wj1li8

Wham Bam Thank You Mam!

I toyed with the idea of scrapping my last post, not sure it quite hung together, but then I decided it was probably reflecting me exactly where I was in that moment, once again I find myself imperfect! There I was saying how nice it was to be clear for a change, and then wham bam thank you mam, huge amount of stuff on the move, deepest loss and abandonment, full of such sadness. I think it is something you could describe as a moving feast, sometimes the dishes are good and sometimes they are flavoured with regret, grief, or anger.

David Bowie: he played out his 'stuff' for all to see, some great music came out of that process!

David Bowie: he played out his ‘stuff’ for all to see, some great music came out of that process!

I am certainly getting clearer and clearer on what I do and do not want in my life, even when the emotional storm leaves you feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck, there is a sense of clarity that comes as the storm begins to clear. That feeling that so much has been washed away, there is a new world to explore where nothing is quite the same anymore. There is a choice, you can yearn for the old way of being, or you can look with excitement to a whole new perception of the reality around you. If I am being truthful about myself here, and I really do try to be very honest with you all, I probably go between those two states, with the new way gradually gaining more power and momentum until you find yourself positively humming in that direction!

It’s a great theory and I do practice it, although in practice it might not always be so easy to see the pattern of back and forthing as it is happening. The main thing is to keep releasing anything that isn’t serving you, and if it keeps coming up then keep releasing it, repetition being an important part of change. And let your heart draw you in the direction of the new reality that is opening up to you, it will know what to do if you allow it to do what it does best, embracing and surrendering, loving all things, seeing the life force in everyone………….

Love is all you need…………..blissings.

This is kind of gratuitous but I thought of this David Bowie song when I remembered the phrase, wham bam thank you mam. He is so young and so utterly beautiful, in such an androgynous way, must have been so many boys and girls in love with him then, me being one of them, enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSQ0LWnFx7w

Phoenix Rising.

A tender spiral invites me to swirl down and down into my soft sweet centre, there are no thoughts there, simply a warm acceptance of my beingness. I flow with the current, as the moon tugs at my innermost parts and asks me to sink into those depths, to let go of surface attachment and to be………… I pause in the midst of madness, and my blood chooses that moment of divine timing to release, carrying sadness, grief and anger, a river of loss and abandonment returning to the source from which it came………….. and being transformed.

Quantum Fractal Energy Mandala: On Facebook.

Quantum Fractal Energy Mandala: On Facebook.

Nothing is ever truly lost, not love nor beauty, for where could it go? In deepest grief this knowing may take a very long time to be truly accepted and integrated. Though we may distract ourselves and pretend that our world is complete, there is always this yawning abyss waiting to engulf us, we fear that it will take us and we may never find our way home again. And yet home is where we’ve always been!

To gradually peel away the layers of self, the false images we created for protection, that became an armour that seemed unbreakable. With each release another distraction loses its charm, and we can begin to become more present with what is actually before us, the truth of the beauty of what our present moment contains. Surely this is worth the trials of sitting with discomfort, with pain and a sense of emptiness that sometimes seems unbearable, for the light at the end of the tunnel may seem far away, but that it is there is certain.

My long dark night of the soul is far behind me, but I would go there again in a moment if that was what the journey required, the blessings that have come to me in its wake are too many to be counted. From the ashes of my pain I am reborn, and the world is a beautiful place………………

The Prayer of Light

Love before me Love behind me Love at my left Love at my right Love above me Love below me Love unto me Love in my surroundings Love to all Love to the Universe

Peace before me Peace behind me Peace at my left Peace at my right Peace above me Peace below me Peace unto me Peace in my surroundings Peace to all Peace to the Universe

Light before me Light behind me Light at my left Light at my right Light above me Light below me Light unto me Light in my surroundings Light to all Light to the Universe

Sex And Death.

After the toning circle when we were having nibbles and cups of tea, I began to feel light-headed and a bit nauseous and had to sit down. I hadn’t had any lunch but there was nothing in the food to cause a reaction like that, so I figured I needed to get home and sit with whatever was coming up. So I sat with it for an hour, and felt the nausea in my belly move up until it was a pain in my head that eventually moved out completely.

It wasn’t until I began to write that I began to understand what I had been letting go of, it was abandonment and loss, loss of self and of my father, loss of purpose, of love, the death of all things. And the pain of my sexuality trying to blossom in the midst of confusion and despair. This has been a big theme for me in much of the shifting that I’ve been doing, but for now I think it’s more about cleaning up after myself and integrating. I’m not saying I’ve healed it all but there was a wholesale clearing that happened when I had my second breath session two weeks ago.

It was a holotropic breath session which means loud music and pretty much anything goes as long as nobody gets hurt! Early in the session I felt like I couldn’t breathe and eventually ended up crouched on my hands and knees feeling intense fear as my therapist used a pillow to give me the sense of compression. She felt it was a birth experience and she was right, my birth was extremely traumatic, there was a lot of anger in there too. I was making very loud sounds, and at one point there was an incredible harmonic that rang through my head, which felt like it was huge, my entire being resonated with the frequency. I don’t yet know the significance of that sound but I know it’s important.

Our birth is really our first sexual experience, and mine reflected what I was bringing in for my healing in this incarnation. I would love to think the job was complete but at the very least a big layer has shifted, and I find myself becoming more and more confident. There are times when the energy is moving so strongly it’s like a big power surge, it’s exciting and at times frustrating, but I am never bored!

Shiva and Shakti.

Shiva and Shakti.

Oh Shiva and Shakti, may I channel your amazing life force in the best possible way for me and for all life everywhere.

Shiva and Shakti.

Shiva and Shakti.