The fun fair ride continues but for the moment I’m off the roller coaster, now it’s more like the house of illusion where the mirrors show distorted pictures and the maze confuses you until you think you will never get out. I’ve been going to this place on and off, for some time now, and it’s time to get some clarity into the picture, that means speaking up for myself. Oh Goddess, why is that so hard to do????? I managed to make a little headway. but much, much more needs to be said, not to blame but to inform.
I can feel the energy running through my body, my teenaged girl inside is terrified and excited all at once, she feels such pain and confusion, she also feels hope and the possibility of delight. Years ago I read a book by John Cleese and Robyn Skynner called “Families and how to survive them”, they talked about how if you missed a particular stage of your development you would be looking for a way to complete it, usually on an unconsious level. Hence the mid-life crisis when hubby buys a Porsche and runs off with his blonde secretary, the adolescent urge has been repressed while he’s being responsible, then something triggers him and off he goes!
My adolescent associates sexuality blossoming with death, after all she was trying to flower in her pain and confusion, and then Daddy killed himself. So the life-giving force of sexuality is perceived as dangerous, better not let it flow too freely, and with dad gone I have to look after mum and my brother, because I’m the strong one. All this at the tender age of 15, I felt what it was like for her as if it was happening now on my roller coaster ride, if you missed that post it came out on May 13.
Now I have to rewrite the programming and it feels like one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, luckily I have good support and guidance around me, lots of love and appreciation. So wish me luck as I complete my adolescence at the age of 49!