What a long way I’ve come in twenty years of exploring strange new inner frontiers, not that I can’t be taken aback or frightened, but I take my courage in both hands and learn how to navigate! I had an example of this tonight when that dark energy had another go at infiltrating my space, it’s very subtle, I start to get negative thoughts that if followed, could spiral me down into dark chasms. I know it wasn’t me, because as soon as I realised what was going on I did my protection, and those thoughts disappeared instantly. It’s a very empowering place to be, and rather satisfying when I think of the frustration that must be on the other end of that energy, I know I’m supposed to be above all that but you know what, I’m happy be imperfect in this instance, it feels GREAT!
I guess I am still angry about what happened to me and it is ok to be angry sometimes, just as long as you keep that person in your heart. I used to think that anger was a ‘bad’ emotion, but as a response to behaviour that is out of integrity it is quite reasonable and in fact it helps to give you back bone. I had a lot of trouble standing up for myself before I began to access and allow that anger to come up, it can still be a challenge sometimes but its like anything, the more that you do it the better you get! So I always try to remember to have gratitude for those who help me to strengthen my back bone.
This video gives a very clear explanation about the difference between good and bad anger, my mother had a violent drunken father and she came out of that thinking that anger was not a useful feeling. So anger was not ok in my family and it has been a long journey to learn how to express that particular feeling, I’m not complaining by the way, there have been lots of interesting lessons on the way and I am much wiser and more empathic for it.
“Peace is present right here and now, in ourselves and in everything we do and see.
Every breath we take, every step we take, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity.
The question is whether or not we are in touch with it.
We need only to be awake, alive in the present moment.”
An amazing sense of having my life back envelops me in presence, how we can stray and become lost without even realising that we are no longer fully here, in this moment. How long have I been gone I ask myself, and cannot find an answer. I guess I must have popped back from time to time, even if it was simply to write these posts, a wonderful exercise in being present!
There are moments of drinking in nature’s gifts of green leaves and sunshine and listening to the bell birds that have happened over and over again. I remember this clearly, so perhaps I’m being a little bit hard on myself, memories of preparing food with love and talking to quarrelsome chooks and squeaking guinea pigs. I have been here, but I’ve also been spending too much time in an imaginary future that never ever had foundations, I knew that on some level but I chose to be in denial for a time.
So now I AM HERE!!!!! In this body, in this beautiful part of the world, in a life full of love and connection, stimulation and passion, and good old-fashioned fun! Enough of the misery and tears, letting go of the pain and the anger, and if there is even the tiniest bit of resentment, scraping it out with ruthless intent. My favourite definition of resentment comes from Carrie Fisher, not only Princess Leia from Star Wars, but also a very funny author, she says that “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
Well I’m not going to waste my time waiting for another person to trip themselves up with their own stupidity, they can do that quite well enough on their own. Mmmmmmm………do I note a little bit of anger in that last statement, ok so I’m not perfect, but I’m working on it already! The best way to let go of all of that is to be in my life as fully as I can, and to have fun no matter what I am doing.
LET THE CELEBRATION BEGIN!!!!!!
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Tagged anger, Carrie Fisher, celebration, connection, denial, joy, love, nature, pain, passion, peace, presence, present moment, resentment, Thich Nhat Hanh
I keep thinking of that Split Enz song, ‘Six Months in a Leaky Boat’, I’ve recently had ten days that felt like being in a storm on a boat in the middle of the ocean, there were calm spells but the storm kept coming back, and I felt incredibly battered and bruised by the end of it. The sea of course is representing my emotional state of being, the trigger was very much outside of me and created a swirling vortex of mixed emotions. And finally I began to allow myself to feel anger, I know I always say, “Don’t blame the trigger”, but there’s nothing wrong with righteous anger in response to inappropriate behaviour, as long as you don’t go out and kill someone, however much you would like to!
The trick here is to keep focusing on what is happening for you, express your truth to another if that’s what’s needed, but have no expectation on how it will be received. The most important thing is to speak it, if the person you are communicating with chooses to disregard possible insights that may be there for them, then that’s their business, and really, do you actually want to be in charge of sorting out someone else’s crap? I didn’t think so, well neither do I, so I’m doing my best to let go of the need to be right, and to be at peace with the clarity that is now crystal clear around me, as clear as the night sky in my haven in the bush.
There is a sense of freedom and liberation that is becoming more and more expanded in my being, the grief grows less and less, and I can open into the inner space that has suddenly become available. It’s happening very fast so I guess I was ready to go there, with all the shedding I’ve been doing the inner realms would have to be becoming more streamlined!
Moral of the story, never give up no matter how long and bloody the road, follow your intuition and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. And always be true to yourself, even when it scares the bejesus out of you!
Here is Split Enz singing ‘Six Months in a Leaky Boat’, even more apt then I remembered, when you strike out to explore new territory it can get pretty uncomfortable, but go for it anyway!
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Tagged anger, clarity, emotional, freedom, grief, inner space, intuition, peace, sea, storm, trigger, truth
A tender spiral invites me to swirl down and down into my soft sweet centre, there are no thoughts there, simply a warm acceptance of my beingness. I flow with the current, as the moon tugs at my innermost parts and asks me to sink into those depths, to let go of surface attachment and to be………… I pause in the midst of madness, and my blood chooses that moment of divine timing to release, carrying sadness, grief and anger, a river of loss and abandonment returning to the source from which it came………….. and being transformed.
Quantum Fractal Energy Mandala: On Facebook.
Nothing is ever truly lost, not love nor beauty, for where could it go? In deepest grief this knowing may take a very long time to be truly accepted and integrated. Though we may distract ourselves and pretend that our world is complete, there is always this yawning abyss waiting to engulf us, we fear that it will take us and we may never find our way home again. And yet home is where we’ve always been!
To gradually peel away the layers of self, the false images we created for protection, that became an armour that seemed unbreakable. With each release another distraction loses its charm, and we can begin to become more present with what is actually before us, the truth of the beauty of what our present moment contains. Surely this is worth the trials of sitting with discomfort, with pain and a sense of emptiness that sometimes seems unbearable, for the light at the end of the tunnel may seem far away, but that it is there is certain.
My long dark night of the soul is far behind me, but I would go there again in a moment if that was what the journey required, the blessings that have come to me in its wake are too many to be counted. From the ashes of my pain I am reborn, and the world is a beautiful place………………
The Prayer of Light
Love before me Love behind me Love at my left Love at my right Love above me Love below me Love unto me Love in my surroundings Love to all Love to the Universe
Peace before me Peace behind me Peace at my left Peace at my right Peace above me Peace below me Peace unto me Peace in my surroundings Peace to all Peace to the Universe
Light before me Light behind me Light at my left Light at my right Light above me Light below me Light unto me Light in my surroundings Light to all Light to the Universe
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Tagged abandonment, anger, beauty, being, divine, grief, loss, love, moon, pain, peace, sadness, transformation