Tag Archives: cellular memory

Out Of The Cocoon.

I was reflecting the other day upon the butterfly theme that keeps cropping up in my posts on a fairly regular basis, for a time I considered it to be one of my totems. It probably isn’t so much these days, the snake has well and truly taken over that role, and it represents the really deep shedding from my core that’s been happening for the last two years, particularly since the summer solstice of 2012. The world may not have ended, but it certainly went through a huge shift, and for myself, I feel so different it’s as if the world did finish at that point in time.

But for a time in the early naughties the butterfly was my symbol, it represented transformation and freedom, I always loved the idea that the butterflies were tasting the petals with their feet as they danced from flower to flower. A butterfly came to visit me at the end of 2001 when my mother and I were setting up the stall for our last Woodford Folk Festival on Christmas Day. I kept shooing it out, the tent was baking hot and not a good place for such a delicate creature. I thought it had gone but towards the end of the day I found it, it had been determined to stay with us, and I was touched that it had chosen to spend its last day with me and mum.

Butterfly in flight.

Butterfly in flight.

I felt that the butterfly had come to tell me that it was my time to come out of the cocoon and to begin my transformation, I was about to do my first deep shamanic training starting on January 2nd, and so the timing was very significant. It was the beginning for me of fundamental change that came from a deep exploration of my being, and the release of cellular memory, the beginning of the long path home.

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The Ocean Of Love.

Confidence breeds confidence, a bright energy that feeds on itself and then blossoms outwards, showering radiance on everything around it. The world becomes a lighter place and people respond to that light, you can see it in their eyes, upon their countenance. This is not something that can be achieved without a direct connection to divine source, it comes not from depending upon another, it cometh from a place that is deep within the soul, the consciousness.

“The lover who leans upon the beloved’s response, his love is like the flame that needs oil to live; but the lover who stands on his own feet, is like the lantern of the sun that burns without oil.”

Hazrat Inayat Khan.

So how does one get there? There are as many ways as there are people, the first step is to acknowledge how things truly are in the moment that you are currently inhabiting, and there may be times when that alone is extremely challenging. I believe that most relationships have an element of co-dependancy, I know that mine have been in the past and I’m determined not to be in that place again, a very good reason to be single for almost a decade!

That’s the path that I chose, to be on my own and to focus (obsessively I freely admit), on healing every bit of trauma I could lay my metaphorical hands on. You need to find ways of clearing the cellular memory of the body, use your intellect to understand by all means, but if it is in the cells of your body it will still be running you, and fundamental change will be difficult if not impossible to achieve. Bodywork and breathwork have been the mainstays for me, but there are so many great therapies out there, find the one that works for you.

All the clearing I’ve been doing in the last few months has been very much focused on old patterns in relationship, and I now feel that I’m clear enough to be in a relationship that is not co-dependant. Which is not to say that old stuff won’t come up, I’m sure that it will, as long as I can observe it and then wish it a fond farewell, all will be good.

And so for now I continue to be in gratitude for the ocean of love in which I swim, touching noses with the other fish, as we glide through a community where I have the opportunity to swim with the school, or explore on my ownsome. Who knows when the touch of hello may become a caress or a kiss, bubbles of joy emanating from the deep connection of my beloved and me, bubbling up to the surface and spreading the love even further, into a world that needs all the joy it can find!

Love is all you need!

lovefish

My Strawberry Heart.

I was about to start talking about food, but then Michael Frante started singing about plugging his headphones into my heart, and I just had to get up and dance. If you don’t get the food right it can really affect you on every level of beingness, but at the end of the day it’s the heart’s wisdom that must prevail. Not sure if I have mentioned this before, but half the cells in our hearts are identical to brain cells, so we really can think with our hearts. That may come as a surprise to the materialistic culture, but indigenous people know this without needing any science to back it up.

When your heart is open everything flows more smoothly, even heartache and misery, keeping your heart open when you are having painful and difficult feelings, helps to move the feelings through your body and out, rather than staying in the cellular memory. I had a direct experience of this when I was studying for my Graduate Diploma in Counselling.

I was studying full-time, working part-time, and I had reached a point where I was going into overwhelm. My 16-year-old cat had to be taken to the vet and put down as I was doing the final part of my class in grief and loss, the video role play I did for my final assessment came back as a pass instead of the high distinction I deserved because it wouldn’t play, not my fault, technological issues beyond my control. I had so much painful stuff moving through me I wasn’t sure I would get through the week much less the rest of the year.

Then I found a crystal called rhodochrosite in a shop, and bought some shards of it, I took it home and put the pieces on a photo of myself and said a simple prayer asking for relief and peace from all I was experiencing. The next morning I woke up and I was fine, nothing had changed but suddenly I was coping. A fellow student who was going through similar stuff, heard my story, and gave me a photo of herself, and I did the same thing for her. When I saw her a week later she reported starting to feel better around the time I did the ritual for her.

It seems like magic, but it’s really just about tuning into a deeper reality, and it’s your heart that will lead you there. My heart feels like a juicy strawberry glistening with moisture, that you just want to bite into with joyful relish, open and fully present in the moment! The more I trust this space, the more it becomes my true reality, oh Spirit, may I be supported in every possible way as I move more and more into the awakening of my true purpose in life.

So be it, so be it, so be it……………………………….

strawberries

Rebirth.

I’ve been asked a couple of times what I mean when I talk about processing stuff and releasing it out of the body. Stuff seems like a terribly vague description, yet its hard to find another word that sums it up as well. There are so many elements involved when shifts are occurring, it’s feelings, physical sensations, thoughts, movement of energy, somehow stuff just seems to cover all possibilities.

For me I often notice a sensation of dis-ease in my belly, if there is a lot going on it can affect my appetite so I’m not very hungry. In the lead up to my big release last saturday, I ate out at the film society and they had one of my favourite deserts, lemon tart, but I had absolutely no desire for it, couldn’t even finish my main meal.

When I left the rain was pouring and the wind was howling, and I began to feel a sense of emptiness and deep sadness even as I drove away. By the time I got home the sadness was really strong and I sat to write for a time, I let words just come, I reflected on my afternoon and evening, nothing seemed to fit for what I was feeling.

Finally I went to bed and lay there not able to sleep as the feelings continued to move and my mind wandered. At one point I remembered something I had said to my friend about the decimation of my self-esteem, from the age of 16 to about 18, and how I felt that I had only rebuilt the last of it in the last year and a half, here in my new home. In that moment everything came together and I thought of taking 30 years to come back to myself, and I wept as I released all the feelings and sensations that had been swirling around inside me.

It felt HUGE and the next day I felt AMAZING, mum came to visit and noted how clear I was looking, after she’d gone I looked in the mirror and it was like a new person looking back at me. Who is this gorgeous woman I said to myself as I gazed upon this incredible sight, the clarity in my face was extraordinary!

Whatever we have experienced and not fully expressed, gets crystalised in the cells of the body. You can understand past events with your mind but at the end of the day, it will be the trauma held in your cellular memory that is actually running you. It’s an ongoing process, I had another big release the next night and even now I can feel dis-ease in my belly.

I have the intention to heal everything in this lifetime, so I really can’t complain when things keep coming up. Slowly but surely my life gets better and better, my capacity for experiencing happiness and joy continues to expand, and at last I can truly say to myself, I love you Kerry, you are perfect exactly as you are in this moment, and mean every word.

Rebirth