I was so terribly enthusiastic last week I published my post a day early by mistake! Today I am writing a day early but with a very different and not nearly so entertaining vibe, might hang back on the publishing bit just in case I depress all of you lovely people. But it’s important to be honest about where I am at, I was already pissed off last week when I came down with a very annoying flu. So is that a reflection of my state of mind? Maybe a factor but there are lots of reasons why we sometimes get sick, it is one of the way that the body tries to heal us and doesn’t necessarily mean that we’ve been doing anything wrong.
I worked 35 hours over two weeks at all kinds of strange hours, starting at 9am, 4am and 10 pm and I think that my body is feeling a bit confused at the moment. Bodies are wonderfully adaptive and I am a master at navigating shift work but even I struggle with this particular craziness. That isn’t what is pissing me off though, the changeability of work has been a response from management to keep me employed and they are doing their best to look after us all. There is mutual interest involved naturally and respect for the skills I have built up over 3 years of doing overnight shifts so I can live with some temporary discomfort.
Actually the impulse for getting annoyed is very much a Knight of Swords kind of story and so in some ways can’t really be attributed to anything on the outside. It is a time when I am stepping into my power and doing things my way without apology and that is the kind of energy that looks for a focus so it can be expressed. I have spent rather a lot of my life being self-effacing and so stepping into a space of putting my needs first can feel almost aggressive even though it isn’t really at all. I am finding that the trick is not to rush into actions that are a part of this emerging new self of mine. Grumble and whinge to my long-suffering Beloved perhaps but to sit with the feelings and see if they stay the same.
So sometimes they do move on and I can let the so-called issues go, and sometimes the feelings remain and even grow. That’s when I know that I need to take some kind of action in response. I’m sitting in that place at the moment but being sick has put a halt to everything and so I am doing my best to deal with the frustration at not being able to follow-up. And no I am not going to go into detail here, it isn’t the correct forum for it but I do hope that you dear readers will be in happy receipt of the thoughts and emotions that arise from the process.
We respond to the world based on the inner lens that we have developed through our childhood and from our experiences in the world. As a result not everybody reacts to the same situation in the same way. Kind of obvious I hear you say but here is the truly radical part, we can change our programming and therefore change our response to anything that life may throw at us. So that is what I’m doing, changing the programming that used to tell me that I wasn’t good enough and that standing up for what I believe is dangerous and frightening. I may not get the outcome I would prefer but in some ways that isn’t so relevant anyway. By creating fundamental change in who I am and how I behave I become empowered and strong and feel so much better about myself!