Tag Archives: clarity

The House Of Mirrors.

The fun fair ride continues but for the moment I’m off the roller coaster, now it’s more like the house of illusion where the mirrors show distorted pictures and the maze confuses you until you think you will never get out. I’ve been going to this place on and off, for some time now, and it’s time to get some clarity into the picture, that means speaking up for myself. Oh Goddess, why is that so hard to do????? I managed to make a little headway. but much, much more needs to be said, not to blame but to inform.

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I can feel the energy running through my body, my teenaged girl inside is terrified and excited all at once, she feels such pain and confusion, she also feels hope and the possibility of delight. Years ago I read a book by John Cleese and Robyn Skynner called “Families and how to survive them”, they talked about how if you missed a particular stage of your development you would be looking for a way to complete it, usually on an unconsious level.  Hence the mid-life crisis when hubby buys a Porsche and runs off with his blonde secretary, the adolescent urge has been repressed while he’s being responsible, then something triggers him and off he goes!

familiesandhowtosurvivethem

My adolescent associates sexuality blossoming with death, after all she was trying to flower in her pain and confusion, and then Daddy killed himself. So the life-giving force of sexuality is perceived as dangerous, better not let it flow too freely, and with dad gone I have to look after mum and my brother, because I’m the strong one. All this at the tender age of 15, I felt what it was like for her as if it was happening now on my roller coaster ride, if you missed that post it came out on May 13.

Now I have to rewrite the programming and it feels like one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, luckily I have good support and guidance around me, lots of love and appreciation. So wish me luck as I complete my adolescence at the age of 49!

Stormy Waters Clearing.

I’m beginning to really enjoy my little contractions and expansions, not always so little of course but I seem to be cruising through beautiful tropical waters at the moment, where the storms that sometimes blow up don’t last very long at all. That’s the thing about persisting with your healing and personal growth, you do begin to reach levels where stuff comes up, and you deal with it relatively quickly. You often don’t even need to go into any story associated with the feelings, just allow them to fully express and move on out.

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One of the things I used to complain about was that no matter how big the release, the period of calm and peace that came afterwards never seemed to last very long. I wouldn’t even get as much as a day of clarity sometimes before something else would be triggered, so you end up spending a hell of a lot of time being ‘in your stuff’, with these little islands of peace bobbing up here and there. It really is worth it, at least it has been for me, I hardly recognise myself from two years ago much less five or ten, and ask anyone who has known me for a long time and they will tell you this represents huge improvements!

After a magical weekend at The Maleny Music Weekend I am feeling one of those contractions, it’s an uneasy feeling in my belly that has no particular cause. I was on a high all weekend, singing with my choir, listening and dancing to wonderful music, connecting with lots of yummy people, having a great time at my regular sunday market. It was a big expansion and so now I move through the contraction which is pretty minor, it certainly isn’t a storm, maybe a mist on the horizon that will be cleared by the sunlight of my afternoon out in the world.

To sunlight and love, to good music and good friends!

Here is a short video of one of the bands that played on the weekend, Gypsy Loco: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMeVwq54ljc

Neil Murray also played and this song brought tears to my eyes, it’s about Australia: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1YIQtuTx7I

Point The Trigger To My Heart.

I’d like to have a bit of a yarn about triggers, not the kind that help you to blow your brains out when attached to a gun, the ones that help you get your stuff moving. They tend to be the people you care about, or hate, the ones that annoy you on a regular basis, and of course when desire is involved stuff tends to come flying up from every which way!

The important thing to remember about triggers, is that most of the time the reaction you are experiencing is way out of proportion to what has actually occurred. In fact a lot of the time they have nothing to do with the feelings that are coursing through you, but the temptation to point the finger of blame and to project is very powerful. Not only are you dumping on an innocent, you are missing out on the opportunity to take responsiblity for your own feelings and let go of old patterns that are no longer serving you.

I’m the first to admit that I tend to go a bit unconscious when something nasty is moving through, but it doesn’t take me too long these days to realise what’s going on. If the situation seems to show my unwitting trigger in a bad light, I immediately cease any and all speculation about what was actually going on. After all, if it’s my own stuff coming up, then it’s inside my inner world that I will find any answers. And once I understand what my feelings are connected to, the situation that set it all off generally makes a great deal of sense, and I offer a prayer of gratitude and blessings to the one who has helped me into this space of greater clarity.

Now I’m not excusing bad behaviour here, if someone is rude or unkind or unfair, you have every right to respond in an appropriate fashion. There are people who have to be separated from the rest of the community because they are dangerous. But as Kabir said, “Do what you do with another human being, but never put them out of your heart.” When you harden your heart against another,  you hurt yourself as much as the other person, choose to be in your loving heart and you have instant protection. And the response you make is much more likely to be non-judgemental and appropriate to the situation.

Wherever I ramble it is always my heart that I come back to, in that still space full of love and acceptance, I feel welcomed and held. In these uncertain times when our inner beings are being flung around in the storms within, the heart is our safe refuge, the port that I call home.

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Rebirth.

I’ve been asked a couple of times what I mean when I talk about processing stuff and releasing it out of the body. Stuff seems like a terribly vague description, yet its hard to find another word that sums it up as well. There are so many elements involved when shifts are occurring, it’s feelings, physical sensations, thoughts, movement of energy, somehow stuff just seems to cover all possibilities.

For me I often notice a sensation of dis-ease in my belly, if there is a lot going on it can affect my appetite so I’m not very hungry. In the lead up to my big release last saturday, I ate out at the film society and they had one of my favourite deserts, lemon tart, but I had absolutely no desire for it, couldn’t even finish my main meal.

When I left the rain was pouring and the wind was howling, and I began to feel a sense of emptiness and deep sadness even as I drove away. By the time I got home the sadness was really strong and I sat to write for a time, I let words just come, I reflected on my afternoon and evening, nothing seemed to fit for what I was feeling.

Finally I went to bed and lay there not able to sleep as the feelings continued to move and my mind wandered. At one point I remembered something I had said to my friend about the decimation of my self-esteem, from the age of 16 to about 18, and how I felt that I had only rebuilt the last of it in the last year and a half, here in my new home. In that moment everything came together and I thought of taking 30 years to come back to myself, and I wept as I released all the feelings and sensations that had been swirling around inside me.

It felt HUGE and the next day I felt AMAZING, mum came to visit and noted how clear I was looking, after she’d gone I looked in the mirror and it was like a new person looking back at me. Who is this gorgeous woman I said to myself as I gazed upon this incredible sight, the clarity in my face was extraordinary!

Whatever we have experienced and not fully expressed, gets crystalised in the cells of the body. You can understand past events with your mind but at the end of the day, it will be the trauma held in your cellular memory that is actually running you. It’s an ongoing process, I had another big release the next night and even now I can feel dis-ease in my belly.

I have the intention to heal everything in this lifetime, so I really can’t complain when things keep coming up. Slowly but surely my life gets better and better, my capacity for experiencing happiness and joy continues to expand, and at last I can truly say to myself, I love you Kerry, you are perfect exactly as you are in this moment, and mean every word.

Rebirth