From expansion to contraction, waking to a day where I don’t have to do anything, and then feeling like I am not being very effective in anything that I’m doing. Uneasy belly wants me to go back to bed and stay there, but I force myself to get on the lap top and begin the process of looking for a subject for this post. The subject ends up being how I can’t seem to settle on anything today, not exactly something that is going to set the world on fire.
I have a look at “The Art of Non-Conformity” and even that is not rocking my boat, I guess I could try going back to “Tantric Orgasm for Women” but I suspect even that won’t lift me as it usually does. Then I hear Kookaburra calling and I am reminded that laughter is a wonderful medicine to lift the spirits, even listening to the sound and my belly quiets down a bit. I’ve been noticing the sound of the kookaburra quite a lot lately, could it be that I need to lighten up a bit?
It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking life too seriously, especially when you are coming out of expanded states back into consensual reality, just acknowledging the fact begins to reduce the stress. Then I take a few deep breaths and I begin to tune in to the stillness that is always waiting within, the cicadas outside begin to sound and my belly softens as I let go of tension. And in that still space I begin to realise that my fears and doubts have been stirred up in the sacred space over the weekend, this is the discomfort that I need to sit with and it’s ok to be feeling like that.
Thank the Goddess!
Here is an intepretation of the meaning of the Kookaburra: http://solacetemple.wordpress.com/2007/11/10/kookaburra-a-spirit-bird/
I’m beginning to really enjoy my little contractions and expansions, not always so little of course but I seem to be cruising through beautiful tropical waters at the moment, where the storms that sometimes blow up don’t last very long at all. That’s the thing about persisting with your healing and personal growth, you do begin to reach levels where stuff comes up, and you deal with it relatively quickly. You often don’t even need to go into any story associated with the feelings, just allow them to fully express and move on out.
One of the things I used to complain about was that no matter how big the release, the period of calm and peace that came afterwards never seemed to last very long. I wouldn’t even get as much as a day of clarity sometimes before something else would be triggered, so you end up spending a hell of a lot of time being ‘in your stuff’, with these little islands of peace bobbing up here and there. It really is worth it, at least it has been for me, I hardly recognise myself from two years ago much less five or ten, and ask anyone who has known me for a long time and they will tell you this represents huge improvements!
After a magical weekend at The Maleny Music Weekend I am feeling one of those contractions, it’s an uneasy feeling in my belly that has no particular cause. I was on a high all weekend, singing with my choir, listening and dancing to wonderful music, connecting with lots of yummy people, having a great time at my regular sunday market. It was a big expansion and so now I move through the contraction which is pretty minor, it certainly isn’t a storm, maybe a mist on the horizon that will be cleared by the sunlight of my afternoon out in the world.
To sunlight and love, to good music and good friends!
Here is a short video of one of the bands that played on the weekend, Gypsy Loco: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMeVwq54ljc
Neil Murray also played and this song brought tears to my eyes, it’s about Australia: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1YIQtuTx7I
Dear Goddess, will there always be contractions rolling through my being after riding the giddy heights of ecstasy????? After a week of handling my dental woes with depth and authenticity, of walking my talk and putting my money where my mouth is, here I am in the grips of the current which is pulling me down relentlessly into the depths of sadness and loss. Another toning circle today and it seems to have stirred up the dark depths lurking in my core, not misery or despair but such sadness, I feel empty and am doing my best to resist thoughts of how to fill that space.
Feeling so alone in this moment and yet I am aware that it is an illusion, if I so choose I never have far to reach to find a loving heart that will enfold me and hold me. The truth is that my need here is to hold and enfold myself, I’ve only just rebuilt my self-esteem after all, so one has to expect some teething problems in the new model (no pun intended!). Writing about it always helps, somehow it gives me perspective on what I am thinking and feeling, helps me to step back into the role of the observer and truly see what I am doing to myself.
There is nothing in my life that is making me suffer, it is only my perception that makes it so. But I can understand why people get carried away, it seems so real when you are in that feeling state whatever it is, it really is like one of those currents in the sea that can carry you away to drown before you even know what is happening.
So find the thing that helps you to step back from the current and get that larger perspective, see it from the point of view of the sea where that current is only a tiny part of the whole. If you are searching for ways to change your thinking I can recommend Byron Katie, her website is: http://www.thework.com/
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
And so the loss sits in my heart, the contraction that will often follow a period of great bliss and joy, the light that has been streaming in illuminates whatever needs to move. There is no story attached to it, something that I don’t need anymore is leaving me and I feel sadness as it’s moving out, I feel myself going within to be alone until this has passed and I may go into the world again. Which by the way will be tomorrow!
Sounding a bit like a Greek tragedy am I not? The pain is deep because I am allowing myself to feel all of it, but it’s transitory, and when it’s gone I will be that much lighter for the surrender that has occurred. I sat in a Tesla Stargate today and felt strong energies moving through my body, this feeling I have now is no doubt a part of the healing process, expansion followed by contraction, followed by a lightening of the load.
I choose to surrender to the space that my soul is sailing through, an ocean with many currents and none of them right, and none of them wrong, simply what is in the moment. I allow the moisture to form in my windows on the world, the place where those who know how to look may truly see me. Just as I feel myself expressing the truth of my deepest self to be witnessed, I am able to perceive all the ways in which I still am holding back.
It’s tempting to dabble in a little self-flagellation, but alas I am awake to the drawbacks of that particular game and so I shall have to simply accept that I am a work in progress. I can feel little Miss I have to get it right, possibly even perfect, still finding a voice to nag with, but her power has much diminished. I think that I sometimes go a bit unconscious when big shifts are moving through, my brain can get a bit foggy and so that probably gives the little Miss the idea that she might be able to take over.
No such luck sweetheart, this is one crazy lady who can always find compassion in her heart for her own sweet self, even when she feels like a bit of a dummy. So goodnight to serious considerations and hello to Buffy, or perhaps a bit of travel through the world of Robin Hobb’s fantasies, as the dolphins said just before they left the earth that had been marked for demolition by a Vogon Fleet, “Goodby and thanks for all the fish!”