Tag Archives: darkness

Part Two: Feeling The Fear.

darkness Lau TzeI’m standing at the graveside and my watcher helps me to climb down into my waiting tomb, I lie myself down and he places the wooden cover over the top completely sealing me in. The last light of the dusk disappears immediately and I am enveloped by a darkness deeper than any that I have ever known. Above me I can hear the sounds of the earth being shovelled on top of the wood so that I am surrounded entirely by the earth, there is air coming in and I can see the faintest tinge of light from that, but before too long night has come in its fullness and I am left in this small space.

face in the dark

There is just enough room to turn myself around as I try to find a comfortable way of lying down, worrying about the best way to do this is a welcome distraction from the incipient terror that is lurking in the depths of my being. I’m talking to myself about how important it is to keep my spine straight so that the energy can flow and I can go into a deep meditative space, when I begin to notice a deep chuckle just beyond the scope of my physical ears. It’s Mother Earth laughing at my silliness, and I can hear her saying, “It doesn’t matter how you lie, I will always be here to support you, do whatever you want my child.”

mother earth

So I let go of all that mind stuff and I lay back and allowed myself to feel the fear that was running through my body, it was incredibly intense and it would have been so easy to let it take over and ask to be let out. But I was determined to last the distance, and I remembered one of the men saying that he handled the fear by doing deep yogic breathing, in through the belly, the middle of the chest and right up into the top, then back down again. As I did this I began to notice myself separating from the fear, it was still moving through my body at a rate of knots, but I was no longer attached to it.

fearwoman

For the first time in my life I truly understood the meaning of non-attachment, as I became the observer the thing that I was watching began to shift and eventually the fear was gone, and in its place a deep sense of peace. That was an important lesson that has been an invaluable ally to me in the years since and I think it is no accident that I am writing about it now. I’ve noticed in these intense shifts that I have been experiencing that I sometimes tend to go a bit unconscious while things are moving through me, time to sharpen my focus and be the observer.

feardarknessandlight

For the conclusion to this story tune into my next post!

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Abandoned In The Darkness I Open To The Light.

light-in-the-darknessA new chapter is often fraught with risks and uncertainties as well as great treasures and rewards, this is very much the case for me at the moment as I navigate my way through this time of birthday celebrations. It began with a couple of big journeys as I sat in my medicine circle over two nights, there was a lot of energy moving and it wasn’t very comfortable, downright tortuous if you must know, but worth it for the light streaming out at the end of the tunnel. I was very aware as I was in the darkness that my willingness to face that part of myself would ultimately help me to sink deeper into the ocean of bliss that is available to us all!

sunset water

The story continues as I encounter old feelings of rejection and abandonment, my beautiful lover had to leave my bed to get some sleep as I snored in his ear and that triggered all of that old stuff even as I knew that he had not really left me at all. But when the feelings are moving through and telling me that I’ve lost my Beloved, that he’s angry or pissed off with me, it is very hard for the rational part of me to have any impact in what’s going on in my inner world. Luckily my Beloved and I are not afraid to talk about these things, we share with each other openly and honestly everything that is happening inside. It’s scary sometimes to be so open and vulnerable to another human being, but the more that we do it the deeper we dive into an intimacy that goes beyond anything that I have experienced in my life so far.

soulmates

Feeling emotionally drained but at the same time so very grateful for this incredible relationship that is helping me to let go of so much that was not supporting me in my life. I finally feel safe enough to go to places that were too frightening to visit without someone to hold my hand, to hold space as I navigate my path from the darkness to the light.

Thank you Beloved, you mean the world to me, and my world is a much brighter place for having you in it!

And the song that sums it up for me from Deva Premal and Miten, “Till I was  loved by you”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZL8m_wj1li8

The Underworld.

Fluttering, delicate wings churning my belly into a tightness that coils into itself, as excitement and anticipation coupled with fear, turn into an anxious dread. Knowing that its opposite is simply a thought away, I breathe into that turbulent swirl that turns and turns, creating a vortex of energy that can take me into even greater fear………..or ecstasy. Air, the stuff of life, pours into my waiting lungs, and directed into the pit of doom it carries me deeper and deeper, as I surrender to the downward spiral, making friends with the darkness, letting go into night.

underworld

The relief as I fall into the space of the underworld, that hell on earth that we make for ourselves when the monsters of the depths go unrecognised and unacknowledged, luminescent light becomes possible, as we find eyes that will gaze upon the face, that will take us into a fuller knowledge of the soul beneath the mask. I take my courage in both hands, and I descend like all the mythic characters that have gone before me, to meet the ruler of the shadow, the opposite of light.

three-headed-dog

Meeting each challenge with an open heart, my mind a sword that cleaves through old patterns, my feelings showing the way into balance, I battle the three-headed dog and gain entrance to the center of all that hides from sight. A figure stands before me but I cannot see its face, my shaking hands tear the veil and my eyes are open wide with fright, terror coursing through my veins I look upon the greatest monster of all, ’tis myself.

In that moment consciousness opens into laughter and the absurd nature of life becomes a juice to sweeten the sadness and the grief, the struggle and the pain. If I made all of this then I can unmake it if I choose, no longer a pawn in the world I can wake up if I want to………..or not. The old nightmare is over and I face my demons with a song on my lips and feet that move in a spiral dance that feeds the flow of energy, connected to all things.

enlightenment-and-the-self

I AM the light, I AM the dark, I AM everything and I AM nothing……..I AM THAT I AM and that is all.

It’s Darkest Before The Dawn.

If the world is a reflection of me then what an earth was I thinking, time to let go of the old bits and pieces lying around, covered in cob webs and giving succour to spiders and other denizens of the micro world. If I can clean the whole house from top to bottom, this aching weariness may dissolve and I will spiral in joyful flight into a future that is a blank page, waiting for me to paint my picture!

cobweb

So ’tis time to let the imagination run wild and to lift this particular soul into a heaven on earth, an earthly choir that rivals the heavenly kind, with halos and glowing auras aglow in the soft moonlight. Sounds of laughter and music and celebration abound in this place of peace, combining solitude with connection in just the right balance, like yin and yang, sun and moon………….masculine and feminine.

christenergy

Bodies filled with vigour and life, taking in the warm sunshine of nature renewed and loved, cared for with the tenderness we offer to the tiny child just departed from the womb, still attached to the placental source of all nourishment. No longer needing to break the softness of entry with blazing lights and harsh first breath, the world has become a safe place for you and me, for us all.

From FaceBook.com/Quantumfractal

From FaceBook.com/Quantumfractal

As I move into completeness of self, my light adds to the growing brilliance beginning to light up the world, more and more souls are joining the awakening of spirit, ushering in an age of harmony and love. Even as the darkness may seem to grow and prosper, know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, not just for me, but for all of us, for all of us…………….

It’s always darkest before the dawn
when your world is weary,
when all is dark,
when dreams die and fade away,
and all of life is stark,
take heart in gentle love,
for she waits in the wings,
and where she walks,
fairies dance and angels sing,
though you cannot see her,
she weaves a silken touch,
leaving footprints in the sand,
sprinkling spells and such,
lighting the dampened corridors,
the dark corners of your mind,
leaving you breathless,
bewildered by her kind,
goodness glints in her eyes,
hope is in her arms,
and all you’ve ever dreamed of,
rests sweetly in her charms.

By J. Blagojevic.

Dance And Sing The Dream!

We left my counselling session with me chucking away big black blobs that were interrupting the flow of energy in my body, with a little bit of help from my friends, Germain and Michael. This was only the half way point in the process, the next step was to put something more positive in the vacated areas of my being, to fill the space as it were. I ought to mention too, we made sure to purify and transmute the negative energy that was pulled out of me, leave it lying around and it may just end up coming back in. I used St Germain’s violet flame to do this but you could use anything you want, maybe imagine elves tickling the darkness into light and laughter, the only limit is your imagination.

elvesdancing

I decided on the qualities I wanted to bring in and arranged them into two sections, the first was self-confidence, authenticity and inspiration, for this I called on St Germain. The other was self-care and nurturing of self and others as well as inner peace, and it was the feminine energy of Mother Mary who came to assist me. For each of these I moved my body and made sounds, Germain was full of laughter and Mary was soft, I found myself caressing my body with great tenderness, in both cases I could feel the appropriate energies coming in very strongly. I did a drawing for each and they are up on my wall now where I can see them easily, it is a beautiful reminder of the positives I am drawing into my life and being.

I have felt a big difference in myself since my session, part of my homework was to ground myself by doing a daily exercise that involves saying my name to the nine directions and then stamping my feet as I say, “I am here, I am safe.” I can safely say that this does work to ground me, I’m also making sure that I touch my bare skin to the earth every day, just holding my staff against my forehead does this really well.

Jean Houston talks about how some African tribes approach problem solving, they dance, sing and dream about the issues as a way of finding solutions. When we do this we are using much more of the totality of who we really are, bringing in our right brains where our genius lies. So if you are trying to solve problems in your life see if you can bring in more of your fullness as you contemplate whatever it is you are trying to achieve, it’s more fun too, and that can only be a good thing!

Here is a link to Jean Houston’s Mythic Life Blog: http://www.jeanhouston.com/blog/?p=69

Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark.

When we talk about stuff coming up, most people automatically assume that something negative or difficult is responsible for the triggering. But that isn’t always the case, sometimes you can have experiences that are blissful and ecstatic that bring up uncomfortable feelings. My deep connection with Mother Earth that I spoke of in my last post is an example of this, although the stuff that came up was like light butterflies zooming around in my belly, and the feeling that eventually came up was a gentle sorrow.

butterfliesmulti

I am in a period of great clarity having shifted an enormous amount of stuff over the last ten months, so what is coming up for me at the moment when it does happen is pretty easy to deal with. But that isn’t always the case, and it can make people resistant to the process of moving into their fullness however they may be approaching it. On some level they are aware that discomfort could arise and that brings up the resistance to letting go of the old patterns of behaviour.

I am reminded of that wonderful quote from Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

I gave a sound and body healing session to a friend yesterday, and that’s what got me thinking about this subject matter. It was beautiful and flowed very organically, the words that came out of my mouth, my movements and sounds, all pure channeling. I was very much in my fullness and it was a wonderful experience for her and for me. She stayed on for a cuppa and as we talked I gradually began to feel rather strange inside my body, a little bit nauseous and disconnected from myself and the world around me. It wasn’t very comfortable at all, but after she’d gone I did a short meditation that brought peace into my body, as I let go of the swirling energies, coming back into balance again.

sunclouds

So don’t let potential darkness stop you from stepping into the spot light and showing off all your gifts and talents to the world, without the dark how would we know what light was? I speak with the knowledge of someone who has spent most of her life hiding her light under a bushel, and I know how hard it is to come out. If I can do it anyone can………………..what is it that you really want to do, what is your passion, your heart song……….follow it to your bliss, and don’t be afraid of the dark!

Which reminds me of a beautiful song, here is “You’ll never walk alone” from the musical “Carousel”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6V9EbnNx6U

 

From Twilight To Joy!

The twilight world hath beckoned me in from the bright sunlight realms where I am wont to spend my time, it reminds me that wherever there is light, there will also be shadow. You cannot have the one without the other, to deny any part of this design is to deny it all, and so I surrender to my own darkness, even as I set the boundaries firm against incursions from without. For I am sovereign in my own inner space, none may come here save that they be invited.

heartsoft

I am soft and my heart is boundless, I look inside the self that I be and I become lost in the great distances that I find there. It’s like a great cavern that goes on forever, full of treasures, some well-known and others waiting to be discovered. How could I ever be lost or feel small when there is such bounty within? This is perhaps the greatest mystery of human kind, that we should look so intently outside of ourselves, for the fulfillment that lies in quite the opposite direction.

heart_of_oneness

Righteous anger gives me the strength to do the tasks that have been appointed to me, even as compassion keeps me in my heart, there are some kinds of darkness that must be dealt with, so that the integrity of the world may be restored. I do not judge, nor am I the executioner, at the end of the day I hand over to a higher power and then it is no business of mine.

I am weary, but this will pass, and I will rise even stronger for the travails that I have passed through. And always there is joy, beneath all the rest, love and joy and bliss are running always, inviting me to come and play, to dance and sing in the sun’s brightest ray!

Here is a beautiful meditation from the Archangel Michael through Annette Sassou, also known as Asara, it is an activation for the third eye: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqbaMetiFbg

If you like this check out http://www.teloschannel.com/ for other meditations and talks.