Tag Archives: denial

Woe Is Me.

Letting go is a theme that crops up in my healing process over and over again, let’s face it, it is a constant in life whether you are particularly focused on your evolution or not. You can go into denial and hold on for dear life but sooner or later there are going to be things going on that you cannot control and so you really do have to surrender, even if you are dragged kicking and screaming all the way!

Kerry Laizans Photo by Antara May.

Kerry Laizans
Photo by Antara May.

I am thinking of my experience last week when I came home from a night out feeling light and happy, finished the night off with some dancing to good music which is always a good recipe for me. I decided that I would write my post for the next day while I was in such a good mood, not such a great move after all but I wasn’t to know. My laptop was not behaving itself and what should have been a quick whip through my emails took forever, it was quite late by the time I finally started to write my post.

And then the magic happened, poetic prose came spilling out of me and I had one of those wonderful journeys where I had no idea where I was going until I got there, and felt awed at the result, possibly one of the best things I have ever written. You’re probably wondering which post this was, well you only got to see half of this seminal piece, the computer was still misbehaving but I ignored my intuition which told me to abandon ship and go back to good old pen and paper.  You know where this is leading don’t you, yes I ended up losing half the post and no matter how I tried, I could not find those words again, they were completely in the moment and my left brain had nothing to do with it so it really couldn’t help me out.


It was soooooo hard to let go of it, I ended up staying up far too late in a fruitless attempt to somehow change what had happened or to find that magic flow again. And as I lay in bed I had to use every breathing and relaxation trick in the book to get myself to relax, in the end it was breathing in and out through my heart that began to allow me to let go of my tight clutching of what I felt I had lost. And to satisfy your brimming curiosity, it was “Beauty Walks Before Me”: Oct 5 2013, when I completed the post the next day I couldn’t get a good sense of whether it was good or not, it could never match what I had lost!

Anyway, there seem to be a few who liked it and in the end I didn’t have much choice but to let go, it was gone and life goes on……….surrender to what is………..and listen to your intuition.

Nuclear Insanity.

I was looking for an article on empathy on Facebook that I thought might provide the inspiration for a post, when I found a story which is such a nightmare, and unfortunately its no fairy tale. It isn’t the first time I’ve heard about the cover ups at Fukushima in Japan but I had no idea of the extent of what is going on there. Not long ago I shared a video called “Losing Nemo” in a post of the same name, I wonder if the makers of that were considering incidents like what is happening at Fukushima when they talked about huge dead zones in the sea by 2048.

Apparently radioactive water is leaking into the ocean at an alarming rate, and what’s more it has been doing so for the last two and a half years while the company TEPCO has been in a state of denial. Being in denial as an individual can have severe consequences for that person and even the people closest to them, but at the end of the day it’s their responsibility and their journey. You can’t make them change, just try to detach and let them live their own life. But we are talking here about a company that is responsible for the safety and well being of countless individuals, if there is another explosion, and there might be, we could be talking about the entire Northern Hemisphere being affected.

This is the kind of insanity that I seem to encounter whenever I look at how the dominant culture is running the world, truly it does look like we have a bit of a death wish going on here doesn’t it! But maybe this level of insanity is required for the sleepers to wake, I just hope that we do wake up in time. And that we have the sense to utilise the true capacities of the human race, it’s time now if it ever was, for us to become future humans!


Love This Moment (It’s all you’ve got!)

“Peace is present right here and now, in ourselves and in everything we do and see.
Every breath we take, every step we take, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity.
The question is whether or not we are in touch with it.
We need only to be awake, alive in the present moment.”

An amazing sense of having my life back envelops me in presence, how we can stray and become lost without even realising that we are no longer fully here, in this moment. How long have I been gone I ask myself, and cannot find an answer. I guess I must have popped back from time to time, even if it was simply to write these posts, a wonderful exercise in being present!

There are moments of drinking in nature’s gifts of green leaves and sunshine and listening to the bell birds that have happened over and over again. I remember this clearly, so perhaps I’m being a little bit hard on myself, memories of preparing food with love and talking to quarrelsome chooks and squeaking guinea pigs. I have been here, but I’ve also been spending too much time in an imaginary future that never ever had foundations, I knew that on some level but I chose to be in denial for a time.

So now I AM HERE!!!!! In this body, in this beautiful part of the world, in a life full of love and connection, stimulation and passion, and good old-fashioned fun! Enough of the misery and tears, letting go of the pain and the anger, and if there is even the tiniest bit of resentment, scraping it out with ruthless intent. My favourite definition of resentment comes from Carrie Fisher, not only Princess Leia from Star Wars, but also a very funny author, she says that “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”


Well I’m not going to waste my time waiting for another person to trip themselves up with their own stupidity, they can do that quite well enough on their own. Mmmmmmm………do I note a little bit of anger in that last statement, ok so I’m not perfect, but I’m working on it already! The best way to let go of all of that is to be in my life as fully as I can, and to have fun no matter what I am doing.


Snuggle Into Winter.

More developments on toothy conundrums later, tomorrow is my two hours in the dentist’s chair, this afternoon I am sitting and reflecting on the changing of the seasons. The temperature dropped from one day to the next and inspired my ode to summer, now it’s time to begin the slow descent into winter’s cold grasp. ‘Twas never my favourite season, but I made peace with it some time ago, it’s an opportunity to go within, to be quiet.

After many years in Darwin and then Brisbane, I found the southern winters hard to take, I hated it actually, and lived in a state of denial which included not wearing warm enough clothes and not heating the house. After a few years like this I began to see that my attitude was what was giving me grief, so I made a conscious effort to find things to like about winter. Hot showers, snuggling under the doona, warm jumpers and hot water bottles were some of the yummy cold season attractions I came up with, and low and behold, all sorts of stuff started coming my way. I found warm snuggly jumpers for ridiculous prices in garage sales, worked out that I could just heat the room I was using to conserve energy and electricity costs, all simple common sense once I let go of the denial.

It comes back to the premise that you might as well surrender to what you cannot change, in that letting go transformation becomes possible, and change does happen, inside of you. When you shift the perception of your inner eye, the world becomes a different place, the snow may still fall, but all of a sudden you receive the gift of a warm coat, you are invited to a sumptuous meal in front of a glowing log fire, your heart glows with the warmth of your friendships. Not that we get snow here, the winters in my little country town are not that cold, or perhaps it’s my acceptance of the shift of the seasons that makes it so, anyway I can now say in all honesty even as a summer girl, I really do like winter!


Winter Inside

Douglas Florian

Winter is cold. Winter is ice. But winter inside Is cozy and nice.

Winter is snow. Winter is sleet. But winter inside Is fireplace feet.

Winter is bitter. Winter is biting. But winter inside Is very inviting.