Tag Archives: father

Life And Death.

There’s been a bit of a theme in my life these past few weeks, and it’s one of the biggies, death, which is the other side of life, and something we don’t really talk about in this culture. Other cultures have whole books devoted to the subject of how to pass from life into death, I’m talking about ‘The Tibetan Book of the Dead’. I’ve never read it but it talks about all the different stages that happen as you go through the dying process, here we tend to deny even the possibility of death until the last-minute, and then get dragged kicking and screaming into something that terrifies us.

The_grim_reaper

Because I felt responsible for my father’s suicide, I’ve created this strange connection between sexuality and death, although I guess it’s not that strange, after all sexual energy is the life force and death is it’s opposite. Sort of like yin and yang, masculine and feminine, the sun and the moon, they complement each other to create a balance, without which life as we know it would not be possible. My sexual flowering seemed to result in my father’s death, not rational, but that’s what has been held inside me for all of these years, and an awful lot of my shedding this past month has been around that issue.

And as often happens it is reflected in a myriad of other ways, I had to bury a chook this morning, not far from the guinea pig’s grave. It was sad, but I didn’t feel responsible for the passing of either of these animals, I know I did my best for them and there is no guilt there for me at all. I take it as a sign that I am making real progress in the process of release, it may not all be cleared, but an awful lot has gone, no wonder it was so painful.

It’s as if the sun has come out after a time of stormy darkness, and the weather has actually reflected this with the stunning day of blue skies and sunshine that I’ve enjoyed today. I found this great film of one of the songs from the musical ‘Hair’, it’s kind of a flash mob version of ‘Let The Sunshine In’, hope you enjoy it as much as I did! Love and radiance to you all………sunny blissings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klObyJY1W_I

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The Father Weeps.

raintrees

Winter descends with a grip grown icy, and begins to weep and weep, mirroring my own deep sadness, gentle, but pervading my entire being, soft and spiraling down. Every new beginning contains the end of all manner of things, as I move through this transition with as much grace as I can muster, almost gliding along at times.

The death of a small animal that was mine to care for, the death of a dream that was never actually mine, the shifts and changes in relationship and the opening of new doorways. What seemed exciting the day before is hollowed out by nature’s sobbing, the deep relaxation found in the meditation at the end of my morning practice is still there inside me, a huge white space that holds the promise of freedom, yet feels cold.

This is not misery nor despair, it is not loss nor is it abandonment. The truth is that this is not completely mine, I take responsiblity for the emptiness for that is where I source my true power, ’tis where my fullness lies. But the sadness comes from another, a deep connection that does not want to be severed, it fears to embrace the glory of the fullness that was open to its seeking tendrils, yet neither can it let go. Attraction and repulsion playing an inner tug of war beneath the level of conscious awareness, am I perhaps going into madness, and yet my intuition is quite sure of what it knows.

From Oracle of the Dragonfae by Lucy Cavendish.

From Oracle of the Dragonfae by Lucy Cavendish.

Before I sat down to write I took a card from Lucy Cavendish’s Oracle of the Dragonfae, Gwynne and Elluish, which told me that my connection to nature is getting stronger and that my intuition is growing with it, and that I will be receiving messages from my own inner knowing that I can trust. So I tend to believe what is coming to me in the way of that knowledge and I break that deep connection with much love and great respect, there will always be love, after all, where could it go?

And as I do this the sadness begins to lift, leaving only the emptiness…………..pregnant with the dawn of a new day that is almost ready to peep over the horizon………..my inner smile grows……as Father Sky continues to weep and weep.

Where Did I Go?

I had a really great experience of the true meaning of yoga in my class today, probably the most powerful shift of consciousness I’ve encountered in such a setting. My inner gaze was even more focused than usual and that’s saying something, being on the first day of my moon cycle probably lent more power too. I did a women’s sweatlodge once when a lot of the women were close to their moon time and we were on fire it was so hot in there!

Pigeon Pose.

Pigeon Pose.

I lost all sense of time and the two hours of the class seemed to disappear into the moment of NOW, and NOW……….and NOW.  Towards the end we spent a long time in pigeon pose which opens up the hips, I was really riding the edge of my capacity and it kept me in full presence for every moment as I opened……..and opened. I lay in savasana where you lie on your back with your whole body relaxed and let go, and as I did that I felt a wave of grief and loss move through me. The waves kept coming as I continued to release and release, it was a beautiful space to be in, in that moment I was not holding on to anything, such freedom!

Savasana.

Savasana.

So I thought that was it, that was the shift, but stuff was continuing to move underneath, and I started to feel a bit strange talking to my teacher at the end of the class. I became a bit scattered and felt awkward and as I left I began to realise that the shift was actually still occurring. In the rainforest with my bare feet walking the earth I finally worked it out. Along with the grief and loss there was a layer of deep mistrust of the masculine moving through me, and that feeling was reacting to my male teacher as it moved on through.

You may have already guessed that this has something to do with my father, I will talk more about him at another time but let me say that losing your dad at a young age is always going to be tough for a daughter. Losing him to suicide makes it even more intense and it has been a life long journey for me to work through all the feelings around it, it was 33 years ago and still there are deep feelings coming up for release.

You don’t really get over events like that, you adjust to a different world, and in time you may even be able to see the blessings that came with the trauma, I know that I do……….thanks Dad………I will always love you.