Tag Archives: fear

The Silent Retreat Beckons.

inspiration pink energyWell this is the day before I head off to a 10 day silent retreat, the one I was going to train for by meditating for at least 10 minutes a day. You probably can already guess that it didn’t quite work out that way after all. I have done some meditation though and more regular stretching so I have improved my capacity which will be very helpful. I have certainly done a lot of shedding and letting go of energies that were ready to leave, some not feeling very nice. So my training has been somewhat intuitive and for someone who loves to improvise this is probably the perfect preparation!

energy healing Tesla

I am feeling a lot of fear and that makes my mind want to latch on to the few things I need to do before heading off for what will end up being close to two weeks. I am heading in to a very intense experience and I have no expectations as to what that will feel like. I know it will be challenging but in what particular form I do not know and have no desire to make any stories about it. There is fear and there is also a part of me looking forward to the break from everything, even my Beloved. Well not exactly looking forward to the last part, it will be strange for us to be apart for so long. But oh the reunion, and an exchange of our individual journeys, whatever we are able to share.

Passionate-embrace

It will be really, really interesting and I am sure I will learn a lot! I’m not promising a post next week, but if I get time to rustle something up before I head off tomorrow I will schedule it in. So enjoy being in the world as I prepare to leave it for a time, aho!

vipassana

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Be Kind To The Sugar Monster!

sugar-monsterSo it’s a new year and its summer and I really have been eating like crazy and the sugar monster is like totally out of the box! Not that previous phases of being naturally good have gone to waste either, I have good habits like starting every day with water and herbal teas. In fact this is an opportunity to let go of more layers of old beliefs and the coping mechanisms that used to support them. All in the grand cause of developing optimum health that doesn’t require me to feel like I’m missing out on something. I used to think herbal tea was boring, now I just adore my cup of dieters tea which contains dandelion leaf, celery leaf and fennel.

SONY DSC

So the day starts well but all too often it begins to include stuff like chocolate bars or even chips or twisties! Cakes to go with my coffee and even when it’s raw you can still have too much of a good thing, even when it is made with something other than refined sugar. I find it easy to avoid processed foods when it comes to savoury but when the sugar addict is hungering for her hit it’s the crappy food that comes to mind. It is kind of crunch time too for my Beloved and I so fears are coming up around stepping into the larger picture. These fears have big time associations with junk food as it was a very large part of the way that I coped in earlier times.

Chocolate donuts

So as I begin to feel my way into this year I promise to always be kind to myself even when I seem to be going backwards. There is no such thing as a mistake, only divine re-direction! And out of all this change and newness will come a healthier and more prosperous life for my Beloved and I here in the magic kingdom.

Aho!

Dancing And Writing The Fear Out Of My Body!

chocolateThis strange feeling in my uneasy belly as cravings rush to quench the fear of I know not what. So I follow the urge and I’m very precise in my choices. Then I consume slowly being as mindful as I can be, accepting that my thoughts will wander at times. Being grateful for the fact that I do come back to the fullest perception that I can manage of the moment I am in . Consuming a lot less and feeling a certain level of satisfaction as well as a recognition that as a strategy this isn’t really good for long-term alignment. But I’m not beating myself up, simply observing what is going on in my inner realm. As deeply and openly and honestly as I am able to be.

psychic ability

And then I danced and wrote, and wrote and danced, I moved………….and energies moved in me. Surrendering to what is true in this moment and being with that sense, whatever it may be. We are spirits having the material experience of being in a body on Mother Earth.

dance

Dance yourself open, move into the softness of surrender and taste freedom from care. Let it all go……..whatever you may be carrying that feels too heav for you to hold. Feel into where your body is speaking to you through stiffness and pain, give it your full awareness and allow your body to respond. If you let it, it will find a way to move that brings your sore bits back into some flow. It may be quite subtle but if you bring to it the power of awareness it is unmistakable.

transcendance

Might have to dance a bit more, Vas is playing and my body wants to move to those lush melodies and the voice hasn’t even come in yet! Talk to you next week my dancing friends, namaste.

Here is the Vas song I can’t resist:

 

Part Two: Feeling The Fear.

darkness Lau TzeI’m standing at the graveside and my watcher helps me to climb down into my waiting tomb, I lie myself down and he places the wooden cover over the top completely sealing me in. The last light of the dusk disappears immediately and I am enveloped by a darkness deeper than any that I have ever known. Above me I can hear the sounds of the earth being shovelled on top of the wood so that I am surrounded entirely by the earth, there is air coming in and I can see the faintest tinge of light from that, but before too long night has come in its fullness and I am left in this small space.

face in the dark

There is just enough room to turn myself around as I try to find a comfortable way of lying down, worrying about the best way to do this is a welcome distraction from the incipient terror that is lurking in the depths of my being. I’m talking to myself about how important it is to keep my spine straight so that the energy can flow and I can go into a deep meditative space, when I begin to notice a deep chuckle just beyond the scope of my physical ears. It’s Mother Earth laughing at my silliness, and I can hear her saying, “It doesn’t matter how you lie, I will always be here to support you, do whatever you want my child.”

mother earth

So I let go of all that mind stuff and I lay back and allowed myself to feel the fear that was running through my body, it was incredibly intense and it would have been so easy to let it take over and ask to be let out. But I was determined to last the distance, and I remembered one of the men saying that he handled the fear by doing deep yogic breathing, in through the belly, the middle of the chest and right up into the top, then back down again. As I did this I began to notice myself separating from the fear, it was still moving through my body at a rate of knots, but I was no longer attached to it.

fearwoman

For the first time in my life I truly understood the meaning of non-attachment, as I became the observer the thing that I was watching began to shift and eventually the fear was gone, and in its place a deep sense of peace. That was an important lesson that has been an invaluable ally to me in the years since and I think it is no accident that I am writing about it now. I’ve noticed in these intense shifts that I have been experiencing that I sometimes tend to go a bit unconscious while things are moving through me, time to sharpen my focus and be the observer.

feardarknessandlight

For the conclusion to this story tune into my next post!

The Underworld.

Fluttering, delicate wings churning my belly into a tightness that coils into itself, as excitement and anticipation coupled with fear, turn into an anxious dread. Knowing that its opposite is simply a thought away, I breathe into that turbulent swirl that turns and turns, creating a vortex of energy that can take me into even greater fear………..or ecstasy. Air, the stuff of life, pours into my waiting lungs, and directed into the pit of doom it carries me deeper and deeper, as I surrender to the downward spiral, making friends with the darkness, letting go into night.

underworld

The relief as I fall into the space of the underworld, that hell on earth that we make for ourselves when the monsters of the depths go unrecognised and unacknowledged, luminescent light becomes possible, as we find eyes that will gaze upon the face, that will take us into a fuller knowledge of the soul beneath the mask. I take my courage in both hands, and I descend like all the mythic characters that have gone before me, to meet the ruler of the shadow, the opposite of light.

three-headed-dog

Meeting each challenge with an open heart, my mind a sword that cleaves through old patterns, my feelings showing the way into balance, I battle the three-headed dog and gain entrance to the center of all that hides from sight. A figure stands before me but I cannot see its face, my shaking hands tear the veil and my eyes are open wide with fright, terror coursing through my veins I look upon the greatest monster of all, ’tis myself.

In that moment consciousness opens into laughter and the absurd nature of life becomes a juice to sweeten the sadness and the grief, the struggle and the pain. If I made all of this then I can unmake it if I choose, no longer a pawn in the world I can wake up if I want to………..or not. The old nightmare is over and I face my demons with a song on my lips and feet that move in a spiral dance that feeds the flow of energy, connected to all things.

enlightenment-and-the-self

I AM the light, I AM the dark, I AM everything and I AM nothing……..I AM THAT I AM and that is all.

Loving Me, Loving You.

loveandmoney

Love and money, these are concerns that clients bring to me over and over again when they come for a reading, we all want to know when we’re going to meet that special someone, or how to resolve issues in the partnership that’s going through difficult times. It comes down to support in the end, both with love and with money, the search for someone or something that will quell all the fears or doubts that stem from a lack of trust in self.

I think I can safely say that when it comes to the subject of love I’m doing very well indeed. Oh but I hear you say, you’re single aren’t you, how could you possibly say you’re successful in love if you’re not in a happy relationship. If that were the true benchmark then lets face it, the list of those who are really doing well would be woefully short, lots of single people out there and unhappy couplings. At least the pressure to stay in an unhappy relationship  is not what it used to be, but there is little or no education that really addresses the most important aspects of being connected to ourselves and to others.

amma.org

amma.org

You may not be able to do much about the issue of education in the larger community, but there’s nothing to stop you setting out on your own journey of discovery. Workshops, classes, doing your own research, seeking out therapists who can help, there are as many avenues and options these days as there are people. Whatever your method you will find that your world becomes a richer and richer place as you open your heart, loving self leads to better communication with others and there is a snowball effect that means everybody wins.

Of course I am still very much a work in progress in this department and I don’t have all the answers by a long shot, but I am on the journey doing the best I can with what I’ve got. If you would like to read about my big shift into self-love check out my earlier post “Rebirth”, 30 January 2013. Now when it comes to money I have some work ahead of me but that will have to be for another post, in the meantime lets all BE LOVE and BE HAPPY!

Blissings to you all!

Oh Mind Be Free.

Walking the fine line between purpose and doing too much, coaxing my lovely body to fulfill the great tasks I ask it to contemplate and carry out, balancing being with running around in happy connection with a beautiful world. ‘Tis the mind that is the rub, careering ahead into the future and picking up deliveries of stress and worry as it goes, wanting to know EVERYTHING, even the unknowable. Wanting, wanting, wanting………….always focused on what it doesn’t yet have, or the pain of past losses, monkey mind needs no whip to keep itself on track, self-flagellation the sport it likes the best!

Adrenalin shoots into cells that only ever wanted to be happy and free, and suddenly aches and pains begin to colour this perfect world, the peaceful place that asks us just to be. A simple request from a physical creation that will do whatever it takes to bring us back into the truth of who we be, ignore your own wisdom at your peril for it shall always have the last word. And isn’t peace what we all truly desire in the end, there will always be weather in this particular sea, but the water has no agenda, it shapes itself according to everything else finding harmony and love in the dance.

happybears

I caress my mind and soothe its many fears and doubts, telling it that it’s not alone, never alone, the larger self will always be there to hold the container of life. Remembering that this journey is supposed to be fun, beer and skittles and love, dancing to great music, making music and flying to the moon and back again. When I release the past and future possibility, allow myself to be fully present in this moment, I wave a magic wand and hey presto, there is absolutely nothing to worry about!

Abracadabra!