Tag Archives: guilt

Let The Feelings Flow.

As the cold deepens, the energy of the dark womb draws us within, Demeter is mourning for her daughter and her grief is cold as ice, as cold as the underworld where Persephone has gone. The emptiness contains all that we have pushed aside in busier and brighter times, when distractions are easy to come by, and the shadow merely an interesting shape created by the sun’s rays. But now the trees are bare, and though the sun still shines from deep blue skies,  the pull comes from within, our shadow clamouring for our attention.

Surrender to that call, let go into the stillness that you will find as you descend into your own private version of the underworld. What is it that you cannot own or accept as a part of who you be, what aspects of self have you demonised or judged as being unworthy. That which remains unacknowledged can never be transformed or set free, so let yourself be………….all of who you are, this is the key.

We all of us have parts of ourselves that we don’t like very much, if you try to ignore this truth, if you push it down into the deepest part of your being, it will become even more powerful. It will control you from a place that you may not easily be able to access, the longer this goes on the more layers will gather and the harder it becomes to identify and therefore release. Here is a piece I wrote about how I did this very thing with the guilt I felt over my father’s death when I was 15:

My guilt was a mountain the size of Everest and I buried it as deeply as that mountain is tall.

The guilt festered away in the dungeon of my soul and within a brief few years it had eaten away it all, my self-esteem, my sense of worth, my love of self was gone.

It was in the midst of terrible storms on Australia Day that I realised that I had at last rebuilt my self-esteem, 33 years after burying that which I could not face or acknowledge to myself. To read more about that check out my post “Rebirth” on January 30 2013.

Rebirth

This one act of mine shaped my entire life, I cannot regret it for it has brought me to where I am, but I offer my experience as a lesson hard learned. No matter how painful it may be, allow your  feelings to move through you, express them in the moment and let them go, just keep doing that until you are clear, as long as it takes…………..

Shanti, shanti, shanti…………peace, peace, peace…………

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The Days of Wine and Chocolate.

Do you remember that expression, stop the world I want to get off? That was my day not long ago, things cancelled at the last minute, friends forgetting appointments, usually I can move with the flow whatever it does, but on this particular day I got all out of kilter.

Oh yes, if you are following my posts you can probably guess, more stuff coming up, it never rains but it pours, and this time I’m not referring to the weather! This time it was simply energy moving and feelings moving with the energy, it felt like loss, abandonment, hopelessness, all the feelings you would prefer to do without. I watched Buffy, ate a small packet of organic potato chips with sea salt and one very small regular caramel chocolate, and had a bit of red wine.

When I think about the days of litres of wine, mountains of chocolate, iced donuts and pastries full of custard, I can really see how much progress I’ve made. That little bit of naughtiness helped me through a rough patch without stressing my body too badly, and it certainly didn’t suppress the release that eventually came.

Chocolate donuts

I do try to be good about what I put in my body when it comes to food, but sometimes you have to allow a little flexibility. A little bit of what you like does you no harm if most of the time you’re supporting your physical self in the way that works best for you. And guilt is not a useful path to follow, it was guilt over my father’s suicide that destroyed my self-esteem when I was in my late teens. Thirty years later I have at last rebuilt that aspect of self, I don’t do guilt anymore, instead I do my best to be compassionate to myself.

It always seems to come back to love, the big love, the one that holds everything together and connects all living things. By the end of that day I had found peace in myself, my heart felt soft, and I knew that I had let go once again of parts of me that were no longer serving my higher purpose.

The last couple of months have been huge for me, the biggest shifts I have experienced in quite a while, I don’t think it’s an accident that this is coinciding with the end of 2012 and the start of 2013. There are big changes happening everywhere, not always in places we can see with the human eye, but creating a wave of change that everyone can’t help but be affected by, whether they can sense it or not.

Bring it on I say, the current reality isn’t working and the change is well overdue!

chocolateredwine