The fun fair ride continues but for the moment I’m off the roller coaster, now it’s more like the house of illusion where the mirrors show distorted pictures and the maze confuses you until you think you will never get out. I’ve been going to this place on and off, for some time now, and it’s time to get some clarity into the picture, that means speaking up for myself. Oh Goddess, why is that so hard to do????? I managed to make a little headway. but much, much more needs to be said, not to blame but to inform.
I can feel the energy running through my body, my teenaged girl inside is terrified and excited all at once, she feels such pain and confusion, she also feels hope and the possibility of delight. Years ago I read a book by John Cleese and Robyn Skynner called “Families and how to survive them”, they talked about how if you missed a particular stage of your development you would be looking for a way to complete it, usually on an unconsious level. Hence the mid-life crisis when hubby buys a Porsche and runs off with his blonde secretary, the adolescent urge has been repressed while he’s being responsible, then something triggers him and off he goes!
My adolescent associates sexuality blossoming with death, after all she was trying to flower in her pain and confusion, and then Daddy killed himself. So the life-giving force of sexuality is perceived as dangerous, better not let it flow too freely, and with dad gone I have to look after mum and my brother, because I’m the strong one. All this at the tender age of 15, I felt what it was like for her as if it was happening now on my roller coaster ride, if you missed that post it came out on May 13.
Now I have to rewrite the programming and it feels like one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, luckily I have good support and guidance around me, lots of love and appreciation. So wish me luck as I complete my adolescence at the age of 49!
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged adolescent, clarity, distorted, energy, Goddess, illusion, life force, love, responsible, sexuality, stage of development, unconsious
Dear Goddess, will there always be contractions rolling through my being after riding the giddy heights of ecstasy????? After a week of handling my dental woes with depth and authenticity, of walking my talk and putting my money where my mouth is, here I am in the grips of the current which is pulling me down relentlessly into the depths of sadness and loss. Another toning circle today and it seems to have stirred up the dark depths lurking in my core, not misery or despair but such sadness, I feel empty and am doing my best to resist thoughts of how to fill that space.
Feeling so alone in this moment and yet I am aware that it is an illusion, if I so choose I never have far to reach to find a loving heart that will enfold me and hold me. The truth is that my need here is to hold and enfold myself, I’ve only just rebuilt my self-esteem after all, so one has to expect some teething problems in the new model (no pun intended!). Writing about it always helps, somehow it gives me perspective on what I am thinking and feeling, helps me to step back into the role of the observer and truly see what I am doing to myself.
There is nothing in my life that is making me suffer, it is only my perception that makes it so. But I can understand why people get carried away, it seems so real when you are in that feeling state whatever it is, it really is like one of those currents in the sea that can carry you away to drown before you even know what is happening.
So find the thing that helps you to step back from the current and get that larger perspective, see it from the point of view of the sea where that current is only a tiny part of the whole. If you are searching for ways to change your thinking I can recommend Byron Katie, her website is: http://www.thework.com/
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life