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I am feeling rather a lot of anxiety tonight, it is interesting to watch the knot of tension without investing any emotional weight to that tangle. And challenging, the temptation to interpret such sensations as doom and gloom is quite seductive, after all anything that feels that heavy must mean bad things. So I am watching it and doing my best to let it be, the less fuel I add the sooner this feeling can pass away. Impermanence, everything is always arising and then passing away. As a matter of fact I saw a client today and spoke of the way in which we add anguish to difficulties we are experiencing. It is how we perceive our circumstances that determines how much pain we might feel, or whether we have a sense of hope. It’s easy to think that what’s happening to you is making you feel a certain way but there is always a choice.
And so I tell myself as I do my best to stay true to what is best for my Beloved and I, even as I watch the fear dancing away in my belly. I am home alone tonight and even that feels right and proper, much as I am delighted to spend most of my time with my darling. Being on my own means there is no easy distraction from the uneasy sensation and in the end I have to sit with it. It sounds simple doesn’t it but the doing of it may be harder than you might imagine, it takes a certain amount of focus and faith in the process. And it’s a process that I trust, one that my Beloved spoke about in an essay that he sent to me when we were courting by email. Oh he knew how to seduce a woman, well the kind of woman that I am which is the bit that counts, one who is dedicated to exploring inner realms.
Sometimes the alternative realms can seem cool and groovy and fun, full of bliss and joy! But don’t underestimate the power of being able to sit fairly still with really uncomfortable feeling churning away in your belly. You will enjoy the ecstatic blissful bits even more when you have cleared away whatever is available for removal or transformation. It may not sound sexy but it is a part of a transformative kind of lifestyle that does lead to deeper happiness and contentment. I am starting to feel the end of this particular wave, so now if I can just stop eating sugar by the handful there may be hope for me yet! From the woman who remembers to breathe and to love and who is planning to move into the next chapter with ease and no fuss!
It’s been an interesting journey since I last posted, and yes quite a bit of it felt like that old Chinese curse/blessing, “May you live in interesting times.” My Beloved and I are inhabiting the in-between realm of transition from the life we have been living to something new that isn’t always completely clear. That of course is where trust comes in, one of the more challenging life lessons that spirit keeps tossing our way. The one on impermanence seems to be settling down somewhat even to the point that we are beginning to move away from our house sitting lifestyle. Not completely but we have a home base that feels very independent now so we will be very picky about where we go from now on.
One of the big lessons from our last house sit was about being clear about what our needs are and giving them a high value. We ended up sharing our space because we let the needs of others be more important than our own. Of course there are times when it is appropriate to put someone else first but you need to be conscious about what you are doing and why. My Beloved needs regular solitude in order to be a happy and healthy human being but he had to bring this basic need into his awareness and then learn how to ask for it. Sounds simple doesn’t it but it has been a very challenging process for him. How easy do you find it to actually ask for what you want in life?
It’s the old story, we might know what we want but the idea of asking for it brings up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. My early conditioning was so thorough I often had trouble even knowing what it was that I wanted, especially when it came to my sexuality. There is such freedom in expressing your truth no matter what! I’ve said it before and I will say it again, beyond the discomfort is a whole new realm of possibility and transformation. Don’t accept the limitations that Western culture uses to keep its populations under control. Be the magnificent being that is hiding in the depths beneath all those shallow materialistic concerns.
Be the best that you can be and love yourself exactly as you are!
This post is a day late, read on to find out why!
If you’ve read my recent posts then you know that my experience of life lately has been much like trying to walk on shifting sands. Just when you think you know what is going on something changes, often with very little warning. So I really shouldn’t have been surprised when our new home base fell through four days before we were supposed to move in. I knew this would be a tough week with all the moving but at least there was something permanent at the end of that particular picture. Or at least that’s what I thought, my Guru obviously had other ideas and decided I needed even more shaking up!
The day we found out my Beloved and I were both stunned, then of course a whole host of other uncomfortable feelings came up as the shock began to wear off. It wasn’t easy to get motivated to do anything in response but we did manage a ritual before going to bed. We each read out a list of the difficult feelings that were coming up for us and we sat with that for a bit. Then we burnt the paper in the fireplace as a way of letting go of it all. Then we read out a list of what we want to create from this place. There were various mantras interspersed with this and of course it was all done in front of our altar. I could feel the calm that had come into me through performing this ritual, it spoke to a part of me that words alone will never reach.
Since then it has been head down and bum up as we moved out of our latest house sit and then went straight into the big move into temporary accommodation. And for that I am so very grateful, my Beloved and I are blessed by the friendships we share with beautiful fellow souls on the journey. And everyone I speak to reflects my own belief that we are headed towards something even better. I heard a very pertinent quote many years ago that sums up this notion perfectly, “There is no such thing as a mistake, only divine re-direction”. So on to the next part of the adventure, with gratitude and a healthy dollop of ritual to keep us sane and on track.
This song has been going round and round in my head all day, have a listen and you will soon see why. This is one of the many wonderful local musicians that we are lucky enough to have living here in this part of the world, Jacinta Foale:
The life I have chosen to lead teaches me all the time about impermanence, the shape of where I am going to live always fluid. Now we are making a bigger shift as my Beloved and I begin the search for a new place to call home base. Somewhere to keep our stuff and to be at when we are in between house sits, ’twill be interesting to see what the next shape of our anchor is going to look like. I have fears that come up around this kind of change but more and more they are small and not so hard to let go of. Feels like there is a knowing in me that knows perfectly well that if we trust the flow we will move on to exactly where we need to be, in Divine Timing.
The thing is to marry the intuitive feeling into the shape and texture of the future, to the action that is required to carry this intention out into the world. The word is going out as we print up flyers, as social media gathers and connects us to community. So the energy goes out, seen and unseen, a new vision is birthing into vibrant manifestation! To be alive is to be changing constantly, how much more interesting than any soap opera is the inner view that is available for our perception if we so desire. And to see the shifting sands of life as exciting and full of potential creates the kind of mood that does bring great good fortune!
Hooray for change and for my graceful and easy passage through her shifting currents, at sail on the sea of desire with my Beloved…… life is good.