And so it goes on this process of integration……..and on and on……….. This is turning out to be a much bigger process than I ever imagined it would be, there is definitely a weight to the transition to marriage that has surprised me. Since my last post I have continued to sit with a certain amount of pain in my body, mostly centred around my head, neck and shoulders. There is a pain in my head that I am familiar with and that I associate with feelings of lack or scarcity. I had an amazing bodywork session last week that found all my sore bits and got the energies in my body flowing and which actually released all the pain for about 15 minutes. Then the head pain came back and since then it comes and goes, at times extremely painful and just plain sore at others.
In my last post I described how it felt like I was throwing up my cage, shedding outmoded ideas of who I am and what I can expect from life. My dear Beloved came up with a very interesting idea about the pain that I have been experiencing, especially in my head since that big purge. He suggested that the return of the pain after the bodywork might be me being conscious of returning back to ‘normality’ and feeling the parts of the cage that are still present. Wow! The process of shifting my deep beliefs around abundance has been ongoing for many years now as I have become more and more conscious of my attachment to scarcity or lack. The number of layers that I have shed over the years has been staggering but what is occurring right now feels like the biggest yet!
The physical expression of our inner world continued this weekend just past as my Beloved and I both had an attack of a gastro bug. He went first on the Saturday with his fast metabolism but I had my turn yesterday and sadly was unable to sing with my choir. Yet another opportunity for my body to shed that which it no longer requires, I had my first light meal late afternoon when I was starting to feel a little bit more human. Belly is still feeling a bit sore today but it is accepting food again. I believe that to truly shift deeply held beliefs it is sometimes necessary to go through a physical shedding of some kind. What we think and feel is experienced through the physical matter of the body and is expressed not only chemically but also energetically in our cells. So when we are letting go of toxic belief systems it makes a lot of sense that it would be a very physical process.
The proof of the pudding is as they say in the eating so it will be most interesting to see how this transition manifests in the life that my Beloved and I are creating together. There are already examples of that shift in our financial realm but the most exciting aspect is the shift in how I feel about abundance. That is the critical part that will ultimately make for an even more abundant and happy life, feeling that I deserve all that yumminess!
My Beloved and I decided to take a little bit of a honeymoon over a few days to take the opportunity to do some integration and celebration of our sacred union. It has been interesting noticing what has been going on in my inner world, especially when people ask the question, “How does it feel to be a married woman?” We do ritual a lot so while the wedding is still very big it may not carry quite the same weight as it does for many who enter into the process. But it is big enough and I felt stuff coming up on the first day of our retreat, some of it quite beautiful but there was also a lot of pain that came into my body as well. I had pain in my head and neck and shoulders and it created severe nausea in my belly that got really bad to the point where all I could do was sit with the pain and hold there. Not much fun I hear you say and you would be right but even as I sat in that place I was aware of what it was I was shedding so painfully.
It was my ‘cage’ that I was throwing up, all the things I’m supposed to be according to ‘polite society’. The shedding may not be pretty or enjoyable but the clarity that comes after letting go of what you’re ‘supposed’ to be can be very empowering and the choices just keep getting broader. For me getting married helps to anchor me into this place of freedom where my Beloved and I support each other to be the best that we can possibly be. This leads to personal happiness and important contributions to the community, there is no need for anyone to be lacking in anything in fact. We truly do live in a world where it is possible for everyone to have their needs met without anyone doing it hard or having to manage without important things. It all comes down to the way in which you view the world, see it as a malleable place that will respond to my needs and that is exactly what I will perceive and therefore receive.
Anyway my method of dealing with painful passages is to sit with the feelings and sensations until they eventually move on. It isn’t always easy but it is relatively simple to do and it works if you stick at it. When you get to the other side there is often a feeling of lightness that comes after all the shedding. The rest of our retreat was lovely and involved indulgence in food and drink, dance, yoga, and poetry, swimming and sauna and of course love making. I feel almost complete from our wedding now, a sense of growing up in the world and being ready to step into the next phase as a member of a unit that has now been acknowledged in the eyes of the world. So what next now I wonder? Stay tuned for my next post as Kerry and Brendan move into the next part of their amazing life!
Our tantric master is complaining that his dinner isn’t ready on time! His meat is still a bit frozen and the whiskas bits he adores just aren’t good enough, it’s dinner time! So he lies back and looks adorable and purrs very loudly. Even when he is annoyed at the bad service he has an air of carrying pleasure around with him. He gathers it as he goes from person to chair leg to pot plant to fridge back to person, until he is full and then he sits down and integrates all that intense sensation. Then it is time to go off and gather some more, or perhaps a snooze or a roll in the dirt, life is whole and complete. The only rub is when the human servants don’t do their job properly, a wash might shift the mood. Meditation is the state he exists in most of the time, possibly even when he is asleep. We have learned a lot from Pushkin my Beloved and I, my mother’s cat who we sometimes look after.
So our journey rolls on and I have found the one I was waiting for so here is what I think of as Our Song, I love using it for our dances!
Here is Lamb doing Gorecki, they would be awesome to see live! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uo_vW4VIOBM
Love life, love yourself, be happy……..shanti, shanti, shanti…..
Here is the final part of my snake story, as I read over what I wrote at the end of 2012 I can see with hindsight that I was pretty much spot on with the conclusions that I drew from my encounter with the reptilian realm.
With the chrissy whirl still going round and round I’ve had no time to research the significance of the snake, but it is a medicine that has come to me before and so I have some idea of its meaning for me. Snakes have the ability to unhinge their jaws and take in animals much larger than themselves, having taken this huge mouthful they then slowly but surely digest their food. I am learning a lot at the moment with this blog, for me getting started was the big mouthful and now as I am doing it I begin to make sense of what I am doing, understanding and integration slowly unfolding through the digestive juices of my mind and intuition.
This is also a time of transformation on a personal and global level, and this is probably the best known aspect of snake medicine. Letting go of the old is necessary in order to transform into new shapes just as the snake sheds its skin in order to be reborn. I am shifting from the old Kerry who was insecure, felt unworthy, and could not allow abundance to flow in her life, into a new improved model, like going from a broken down bomb to a sleek red Ferrari!
As I engage the gears of this new bio machine I feel the power within, and the life force flows through my being like sunshine glinting on the sea or a beautiful flower opening to the light. I feel enormous gratitude to the python for the message that it brought, it matters not that we are always this magnificent creature for we do forget how wondrous we are and need to be reminded over and over again, in a world that often tries to cover this burning truth.
And the reminders keep coming as I enter into the energy of 2015, the shadow will always be getting triggered if you are engaged with life. And there has been so much coming up for me, and I keep meeting it and clearing and my life continues to get better! I am really settling into my beautiful partnership with my gorgeous man, we have been in a love bubble for two but are beginning to expand that into something much larger. And part of that is me growing and evolving as an individual, we are spending a bit more time away from each other and that’s a good thing. It feels a bit strange at first when we have been together so very much, but I know that it will make our relationship even stronger in the long-term. And we are in for the long haul my Beloved and I.
Anima Animus by Toni Carmine Salerno
And there is exciting new growth for me as a psychic reader which I will share with you next week. Time to put action to inspiration and see how spirit responds to my passion and focus! Sending you all BIG love and lashings of blissings…….
Well I asked for clarity and that’s what I got in my medicine circle, some messages still to come but what has come through is very clear. Three posts a week in this blog is wonderful but to truly take on and inhabit that role I need to be doing more. If I win the lottery tomorrow I need to do more writing even if it’s me volunteering my time. That’s what spider came to tell me and it was delivered rather dramatically so I really ought to take notice.
The horses are representing my sexuality which is flowering like a thousand petaled lotus flower and triggering all sorts of stuff. Bladder infections, rashes, all the disapproval and judgement that has come into my being through the experience of coming into the world through the particular energetic pathways that I have, is being released.
When you let go of stuff that has been placing limitations on your potential there is an adjustment that needs to be made in the cells of the body. Integration is required and as this occurs change will flow from the new frequencies, as I feel my way into that flow I will find the details of this new chapter.
So I will endeavour to be patient and cheerful as I go through this transition, life is pretty good so it becomes easy to have gratitude.
As a friend reminded me today, “An attitude of gratitude, gives you the altitude!”
Fly high my friends!
“Some day, after we have mastered the winds, the waves, the tides, and gravity, we will harness for God the energies of love; and then for the second time in the history of the world man will have discovered fire.”
Teilhard de Chardin.
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Tagged clarity, energetic pathways, horses, integration, love, new frequencies, release, sexuality, spider, Teilhard de Chardin, transition with gratitude, write
There is a strange feeling in my belly which is a kind of limbo, I’ve shifted from my week in the big smoke back to the country and suddenly I’m filled with uncertainty. Glad to be home for sure and probably needing a bit of integration time but also going through a rather subtle and fundamental shift which is shaking up my inner realms. After all I have now completed another stage of clearing, the boxes containing what I am keeping are not here yet, but none the less, more of me is gathering for the next part of my life story.
A sense of the unknown envelops me and while it does trigger fear, there is also the excitement at what this new chapter may bring to me. Or perhaps I should say, what I may bring to the next phase of this marvelous and entertaining journey that we call life. As I continue to shed the old I shift the frequencies of my being and therefore my energetic signature is changing, this in turn changes what is drawn to me, my intention makes sure that this is a positive change!
As I reflect upon the inner shifts I am getting a sense that it is necessary to do some meditation that specifically focuses on raising my vibration. This may well be to clear energies that I picked up while I was in Sydney, but it is also something I need to get in the habit of doing more often. Energetic clearing is just as important as keeping your physical home in good shape and I can be a bit lackadaisical at times when it comes to housekeeping. I particularly like a short meditation from Adama of Telos called “Daily Activation of Light”, can’t seem to get the file from my computer to this post so I will give you the link to the web site, you have to sign up to have it sent to you.
The other important ingredient in my recovery? REST!!!! It’s a busy week but I will do my best to recharge the batteries, looking forward to yoga on wednesday!
I’d like to have a go now at bringing together my two current themes, and describe it as letting go into the stillness. There is a certain poetry in the sound and feel of that phrase that to me feels like I am standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to leap into the unknown. Like the fool in the tarot, I trust that this great leap will take me to wherever I need to go, I dance on the edge of all I have ever known and I fly!
Actually I did literally take flight a week ago, unfortunately it ended very quickly with me stretched out full length in the grass. I was rushing to get to my choir practice at the Maleny Music Weekend and very much in my old pattern of, mustn’t be late, mustn’t be late. Pretty straight forward example of an old pattern tripping me up, I was so in my stuff I failed to see the tent rope lying in wait for my unwary foot.
I believe the fall was also a deeper message or wake up call, I was under the impression I was doing ok in terms of awakening to my purpose, but spirit obviously had other ideas! And sometimes being physically shaken like that can shake loose old bits of stuff that we just can’t seem to let go of, I am simply thankful that my newly cemented teeth are still in place. I do feel very different once again, another shift has occurred although not in quite such a dramatic fashion as some of the earlier ones. It started with my teeth and continued with the de-cording operation that my entelechy performed ( if you missed it that story is in “I Love You But…….”), and here I am feeling like a new woman.
It can be a bit disconcerting because you are no longer in your comfort zone, the world is a different place and you are not quite sure how to behave. There is an adjustment period which I am still moving through and this is where the notion of stillness is so important. I have done a huge letting go of an ingrained pattern in relationship and the flow from this into the still place within is all a part of the integration process. I plan to enjoy it as much as possible, to be still even when I am in motion.
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Tagged entelechy, fool, integration, letting go, Maleny Music Weekend, old patterns, purpose, relationship, spirit, stillness, stuff, tarot
Somewhere between ecstasy and despair lies the deepest peace, as they say in the bible, the peace that passeth all understanding, it is the place where there is no thought. And where there is no thought there can be no reason to suffer, it is a stillness that holds us without judgement, a place where we can experience complete and unconditional acceptance of who we be. In all our glory and magnificence, with all our warts and dis-ease, the shadow and the light can be together without shame, becoming whole, and in that process an integration occurs that transforms our egoic small selves into something large and mysterious.
To get to this place we must be prepared to journey to the furthest reaches of delight and to the deepest pits of the darkest hell, knowing all this time that it is our own creation, all of it. As I take responsibility for my own manifestation in all it’s light and shade, like a coat of many colours or a multi faceted crystal, I feel a sense of liberation. The lighter I become the easier it will be for my newly formed wings to rise and catch the wind, to lift me from the life lived in half measures, to the fullness of the starry starry night. The moon smiles at me and invites me for a visit, she holds a vision of my transformation that comes from the deep and mysterious realms of the feminine soul, that hard softness that will save the world if we let it.
Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Inanna…………………..
Please take a look at the beautiful images that accompany this version of The Burning Times, that period in history when the feminine was under intense attack from all sides, particularly from the catholic church.
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Tagged creation, despair, ecstasy, feminine, integration, manifestation, moon, mystery, peace, soul, stillness, transformation
After the toning circle when we were having nibbles and cups of tea, I began to feel light-headed and a bit nauseous and had to sit down. I hadn’t had any lunch but there was nothing in the food to cause a reaction like that, so I figured I needed to get home and sit with whatever was coming up. So I sat with it for an hour, and felt the nausea in my belly move up until it was a pain in my head that eventually moved out completely.
It wasn’t until I began to write that I began to understand what I had been letting go of, it was abandonment and loss, loss of self and of my father, loss of purpose, of love, the death of all things. And the pain of my sexuality trying to blossom in the midst of confusion and despair. This has been a big theme for me in much of the shifting that I’ve been doing, but for now I think it’s more about cleaning up after myself and integrating. I’m not saying I’ve healed it all but there was a wholesale clearing that happened when I had my second breath session two weeks ago.
It was a holotropic breath session which means loud music and pretty much anything goes as long as nobody gets hurt! Early in the session I felt like I couldn’t breathe and eventually ended up crouched on my hands and knees feeling intense fear as my therapist used a pillow to give me the sense of compression. She felt it was a birth experience and she was right, my birth was extremely traumatic, there was a lot of anger in there too. I was making very loud sounds, and at one point there was an incredible harmonic that rang through my head, which felt like it was huge, my entire being resonated with the frequency. I don’t yet know the significance of that sound but I know it’s important.
Our birth is really our first sexual experience, and mine reflected what I was bringing in for my healing in this incarnation. I would love to think the job was complete but at the very least a big layer has shifted, and I find myself becoming more and more confident. There are times when the energy is moving so strongly it’s like a big power surge, it’s exciting and at times frustrating, but I am never bored!
Shiva and Shakti.
Oh Shiva and Shakti, may I channel your amazing life force in the best possible way for me and for all life everywhere.
Shiva and Shakti.
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Tagged abandonment, birth, death, frequency, harmonic, healing, holotropic breath, integration, loss, sex, toning
Last week was huge for me, I had three shifts which I would classify as small, large and earth shattering! There was grief in the letting go, fear of loss, and a deep sense of being utterly unworthy to allow myself to fully experience pleasure without condition. The end result was that I was in a state of utter bliss even though I had only had 8 hours sleep in two days. Once again my life force energy is flowing ever more freely and I embrace the joy of being with all my heart.
So I was thinking a week of integration would probably be a good idea, I slept in yesterday, got up and did my oil pulling, an hour of yoga, and then had my green smoothie. Just when I think I know what the plan is it all changes, all of a sudden a house sit that didn’t happen is on again at short notice for an indeterminate time. It’s good news really, but then I find myself sitting and writing and the sense of stuff moving in my belly is back, it’s like what some people call butterflies but there isn’t anything to be nervous about.
I love my life, but I do have moments when I wonder about this constant processing, why can’t I have longer periods of clarity before things start getting triggered again! The answer is simple but I don’t have to like it, I just happen to have a lot of trauma, in layer upon layer, and I have an obsessive need to keep clearing it away. Can I really heal everything in this lifetime? There are some who would say that’s a crazy ambition, but even though I might have some complaints about the details at times, I keep moving into deeper states of ecstasy, and I am happy most of the time even when I have uncomfortable stuff moving through.
So I guess I will just have to integrate and process simultaneously, after all I do describe myself as a shamanic practitioner and shamans are the ultimate interdimensional multi-taskers!
Shamans transmit to their people in sign, song, and dance the nature of the cosmic geography that has been revealed to them in the process of initiation trances and soul journeys. Map-makers and myth-dancers, shamans live internally in a multi-dimensional realm continuous with so-called ordinary reality.
Joan Halifax (Shaman: The Wounded Healer, New York, Crossroad, 1982. P 66.)
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Tagged bliss, ecstasy, energy, grief, heal, heart, integration, interdimensional, letting go, life force, pleasure, shamanic, shifts, trauma