Tag Archives: loss

Traces of The Past, Letting Go Ecstatically.

It’s a bleak day and my Beloved is away, but my life is so full of happiness these days, I can hardly feel blue. But I can feel ‘stuff’ moving through and the cold, wet and windy day, seems like rather a large reflection of this. I let go of a few bits of baggage, an echo of loss, traces of abandonment, these wounds run deep but surely the layers will run out one day. They certainly become less and less over time as you shed, and what you attract into your life shifts with it.

But you will require patience on a path of this kind, the road to my current ecstatic space has been pretty rocky at times. Sometimes you have to take risks as you follow your heart. And finding self-love is such an important foundation to live an inspired and ecstatic life, living with purpose! Somehow most of the crazy shit I’ve done in this existence is coming together and will help me to step even more fully upon my spiritual path. Look for a common thread that runs through your life, for me it has been an eternal fascination with consciousness, altered states of all kinds.

ayahuasca image 2

Don’t settle for anything less than all that you can be, we are living in times of great transition, end times, and there is the opportunity to write new stories for a new age. And so I go into my cave as the wind blows outside my door, and I cosy up to a hot water bottle, eating chocolate and reading books about magic. A time of rest as the Mother washes us clean and nourishes the plants making everything green again. At the moment it can’t be seen much through the mist, hoping it will clear next weekend for the Maleny Music Weekend.

maleny music weekend 14

Looking forward to seeing my Beloved this evening, couldn’t wait for four days so we meet sort of half way to sleep in each others arms before he arms himself and goes back to the big smoke. Not my knight in shining armour but my King, someone I can rely on to be strong and steady even as he shows his tenderest heart.

Thank you my Love…………blissings to you all!

Wham Bam Thank You Mam!

I toyed with the idea of scrapping my last post, not sure it quite hung together, but then I decided it was probably reflecting me exactly where I was in that moment, once again I find myself imperfect! There I was saying how nice it was to be clear for a change, and then wham bam thank you mam, huge amount of stuff on the move, deepest loss and abandonment, full of such sadness. I think it is something you could describe as a moving feast, sometimes the dishes are good and sometimes they are flavoured with regret, grief, or anger.

David Bowie: he played out his 'stuff' for all to see, some great music came out of that process!

David Bowie: he played out his ‘stuff’ for all to see, some great music came out of that process!

I am certainly getting clearer and clearer on what I do and do not want in my life, even when the emotional storm leaves you feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck, there is a sense of clarity that comes as the storm begins to clear. That feeling that so much has been washed away, there is a new world to explore where nothing is quite the same anymore. There is a choice, you can yearn for the old way of being, or you can look with excitement to a whole new perception of the reality around you. If I am being truthful about myself here, and I really do try to be very honest with you all, I probably go between those two states, with the new way gradually gaining more power and momentum until you find yourself positively humming in that direction!

It’s a great theory and I do practice it, although in practice it might not always be so easy to see the pattern of back and forthing as it is happening. The main thing is to keep releasing anything that isn’t serving you, and if it keeps coming up then keep releasing it, repetition being an important part of change. And let your heart draw you in the direction of the new reality that is opening up to you, it will know what to do if you allow it to do what it does best, embracing and surrendering, loving all things, seeing the life force in everyone………….

Love is all you need…………..blissings.

This is kind of gratuitous but I thought of this David Bowie song when I remembered the phrase, wham bam thank you mam. He is so young and so utterly beautiful, in such an androgynous way, must have been so many boys and girls in love with him then, me being one of them, enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSQ0LWnFx7w

Weary, Sad Goddess.

Sadness slips out of me and pools on the floor, it wants to be numb, but I can’t go there anymore, I have to feel it no matter how hard, how painful. I’ve felt worse, this is a gentle feeling although it still sucks the life out of you, let it be but don’t indulge it, for it may lead you into inertia and a downhill spiral that will leave you without breath in your body, or spirit in your soul. It’s a sense of loss that opens up a grey place where everything is hopeless and nobody ever wakes up or escapes. I used to get lost in that place but now I am merely a visitor, watching the scene and feeling it in my heart, but knowing I can leave at any time.

Crying Angel

Sleep will wash away the fog and bring me into a bright new day, the loss is for something I never actually had even for a moment, so how hard can the letting go be! Dear Goddess, I’ve been so very good, I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do, I’m following the path of spirit as best as I possibly can, is there not a long clear day for me sometime soon? Where I can rest on my laurels for a moment, and walk hand in hand with joy and not a care in the whole wide world, where the inner peace that is within me is filling me and flowing out into the world around me.

That day will be tomorrow, but until then I am in this place of bitter-sweet half regret, I have to keep feeling it and then letting it go, feeling and letting go, knowing that it is all a part of the process and that being alone is the biggest illusion of all. And yet that does not stop us from feeling the pain of loss, for who amongst us can lay claim to true sovereignty over self, true surrender to what is.

From a poem by Sir Thomas Wyatt

And wilt thou leave me thus,
That hath loved thee so long
In wealth and woe among?
And is thy heart so strong
As for to leave me thus?
I’m feeling better already, after all I am fair and square in the middle of an amazing community that loves and acknowledges me, bit hard to be abandoned or left behind.
I release the illusion of separation, I step into a life of community, love and nourishing support, so be it, so be it, so be it…………………………………..

The Father Weeps.

raintrees

Winter descends with a grip grown icy, and begins to weep and weep, mirroring my own deep sadness, gentle, but pervading my entire being, soft and spiraling down. Every new beginning contains the end of all manner of things, as I move through this transition with as much grace as I can muster, almost gliding along at times.

The death of a small animal that was mine to care for, the death of a dream that was never actually mine, the shifts and changes in relationship and the opening of new doorways. What seemed exciting the day before is hollowed out by nature’s sobbing, the deep relaxation found in the meditation at the end of my morning practice is still there inside me, a huge white space that holds the promise of freedom, yet feels cold.

This is not misery nor despair, it is not loss nor is it abandonment. The truth is that this is not completely mine, I take responsiblity for the emptiness for that is where I source my true power, ’tis where my fullness lies. But the sadness comes from another, a deep connection that does not want to be severed, it fears to embrace the glory of the fullness that was open to its seeking tendrils, yet neither can it let go. Attraction and repulsion playing an inner tug of war beneath the level of conscious awareness, am I perhaps going into madness, and yet my intuition is quite sure of what it knows.

From Oracle of the Dragonfae by Lucy Cavendish.

From Oracle of the Dragonfae by Lucy Cavendish.

Before I sat down to write I took a card from Lucy Cavendish’s Oracle of the Dragonfae, Gwynne and Elluish, which told me that my connection to nature is getting stronger and that my intuition is growing with it, and that I will be receiving messages from my own inner knowing that I can trust. So I tend to believe what is coming to me in the way of that knowledge and I break that deep connection with much love and great respect, there will always be love, after all, where could it go?

And as I do this the sadness begins to lift, leaving only the emptiness…………..pregnant with the dawn of a new day that is almost ready to peep over the horizon………..my inner smile grows……as Father Sky continues to weep and weep.

Inspiration Lost.

At last the moment I always wondered about has arrived, I sit here with absolutely no idea what to write about, so I’ll begin by what is happening inside of me, and let’s see where that may take us. My belly is feeling uneasy again and I’m aware of a deep sadness that lies beneath my weariness, it has overtones of abandonment and loss.

The boundless energy I’ve been experiencing since my big release a couple of months ago seems to have deserted me, I hope it’s just a bit more rest that I am needing. Or maybe it’s time for more release, if that’s the case then I wonder what or who the trigger will be this time, I must remember to stay in my heart. Just tried to do some breathing in and out of my heart and I noticed some resistance, it’s like there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of this feeling of doom, I wonder if that’s Nellie Needy.

I will do a little toning, then meditate and maybe see what writing comes from that space, perhaps you will meet brilliance in my next post with inspiration and energy fully restored! Then to sleep, perchance to dream!

hearttreespiritualenergy

I did tone and meditate and the message was loud and clear, go to bed and rest and so I did and here I am in the morning, uneasy belly and furry head. I am off to my two-hour yoga class very soon so perhaps that movement of body and energy fields will begin to stir the pot of creativity. I will set an intention to clear the fog and to free up my life force energy and who knows what will happen, I’ve had some big shifts in this class before.

Home again and the energy is flowing as I release sorrow and loss, the messages keep coming from all directions, be still, go within, don’t try to make anything happen, simply be………………….and so I shall.

Phoenix Rising.

A tender spiral invites me to swirl down and down into my soft sweet centre, there are no thoughts there, simply a warm acceptance of my beingness. I flow with the current, as the moon tugs at my innermost parts and asks me to sink into those depths, to let go of surface attachment and to be………… I pause in the midst of madness, and my blood chooses that moment of divine timing to release, carrying sadness, grief and anger, a river of loss and abandonment returning to the source from which it came………….. and being transformed.

Quantum Fractal Energy Mandala: On Facebook.

Quantum Fractal Energy Mandala: On Facebook.

Nothing is ever truly lost, not love nor beauty, for where could it go? In deepest grief this knowing may take a very long time to be truly accepted and integrated. Though we may distract ourselves and pretend that our world is complete, there is always this yawning abyss waiting to engulf us, we fear that it will take us and we may never find our way home again. And yet home is where we’ve always been!

To gradually peel away the layers of self, the false images we created for protection, that became an armour that seemed unbreakable. With each release another distraction loses its charm, and we can begin to become more present with what is actually before us, the truth of the beauty of what our present moment contains. Surely this is worth the trials of sitting with discomfort, with pain and a sense of emptiness that sometimes seems unbearable, for the light at the end of the tunnel may seem far away, but that it is there is certain.

My long dark night of the soul is far behind me, but I would go there again in a moment if that was what the journey required, the blessings that have come to me in its wake are too many to be counted. From the ashes of my pain I am reborn, and the world is a beautiful place………………

The Prayer of Light

Love before me Love behind me Love at my left Love at my right Love above me Love below me Love unto me Love in my surroundings Love to all Love to the Universe

Peace before me Peace behind me Peace at my left Peace at my right Peace above me Peace below me Peace unto me Peace in my surroundings Peace to all Peace to the Universe

Light before me Light behind me Light at my left Light at my right Light above me Light below me Light unto me Light in my surroundings Light to all Light to the Universe

Sex And Death.

After the toning circle when we were having nibbles and cups of tea, I began to feel light-headed and a bit nauseous and had to sit down. I hadn’t had any lunch but there was nothing in the food to cause a reaction like that, so I figured I needed to get home and sit with whatever was coming up. So I sat with it for an hour, and felt the nausea in my belly move up until it was a pain in my head that eventually moved out completely.

It wasn’t until I began to write that I began to understand what I had been letting go of, it was abandonment and loss, loss of self and of my father, loss of purpose, of love, the death of all things. And the pain of my sexuality trying to blossom in the midst of confusion and despair. This has been a big theme for me in much of the shifting that I’ve been doing, but for now I think it’s more about cleaning up after myself and integrating. I’m not saying I’ve healed it all but there was a wholesale clearing that happened when I had my second breath session two weeks ago.

It was a holotropic breath session which means loud music and pretty much anything goes as long as nobody gets hurt! Early in the session I felt like I couldn’t breathe and eventually ended up crouched on my hands and knees feeling intense fear as my therapist used a pillow to give me the sense of compression. She felt it was a birth experience and she was right, my birth was extremely traumatic, there was a lot of anger in there too. I was making very loud sounds, and at one point there was an incredible harmonic that rang through my head, which felt like it was huge, my entire being resonated with the frequency. I don’t yet know the significance of that sound but I know it’s important.

Our birth is really our first sexual experience, and mine reflected what I was bringing in for my healing in this incarnation. I would love to think the job was complete but at the very least a big layer has shifted, and I find myself becoming more and more confident. There are times when the energy is moving so strongly it’s like a big power surge, it’s exciting and at times frustrating, but I am never bored!

Shiva and Shakti.

Shiva and Shakti.

Oh Shiva and Shakti, may I channel your amazing life force in the best possible way for me and for all life everywhere.

Shiva and Shakti.

Shiva and Shakti.