There is a sense of space unfolding within me, great vistas opening up as I let go of the connection that held me hostage, even as I held it. It’s true what they say, control is generally a two-way street, although that’s hard to accept when we see victims being treated in horrific ways. If we all choose to be here on the planet and choose where and who we will be born to, then there’s always going to be personal responsibility for the consequences of those choices. And there are those who come here to help and support the weak and the helpless, as long as they are working to empower those who are powerless, the balance may be restored.
I choose to focus on that journey in my inner world as I step into my power, my neediness falls away and there is a new steadiness and confidence in my body, mind and soul. It will be necessary to remain mindful, the connections that have been severed will probably not go quietly, I will have to remain in my own power and integrity, not allow myself to be hooked back into the drama. Without the dramas I have the room to pursue my dreams, to explore these landscapes that are emerging from the hidden depths of this magnificent soul, that has been lost in the arrogance of low self-esteem for far too long.
Low self-esteem, arrogance? A strange combination you might say, but I understood quite some time ago that my lack of confidence in myself was as much of an ego trip as someone like Clive Palmer or Gina Rinehart. The term that conveyed this to me at the time was, “Who am I to refuse the flow of spirit through me?”. So now I make the affirmation, to open fully to spirit and to allow it to flow through me in whatever ways are most appropriate, to benefit not only myself, but all life in all its forms, everywhere.
So be it, so be it, so be it.
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Tagged balance, choice, connection, control, empower, flow, journey, life, mindful, soul, space, spirit
I hardly slept that night, the pain killers only took the edge off and I was pretty much in that place for three days, I don’t know how people manage with chronic pain that goes on for years! I got a lift back to the city and I scared my flat mate when I rang him and asked him to get me the strongest pain killers he could find without a prescription. I never even took aspirin for headaches so he knew something really bad had happened.
I couldn’t afford to take much time off work but I stayed in bed for a week and then somehow I got back into doing my corporate massage jobs. Looking back now I’m not sure how I managed but you do what you have to, certainly I was mindful every moment from this point on, even now I always walk carefully to guard against falling.
The treatments I had didn’t have much impact until I got in to see a man I had to wait two months for, from that moment on the healing began, but it was a slow process. He gave me stretches for my shoulders that I did religiously and advised me to change the way I did my massage. I discovered that I was working harder than I had to, my shoulders felt like they had to do most of the work but when I relaxed them the whole of my upper back could participate. I cut back my effort by about 30% and low and behold, people were just as happy with their massages!
I also did many little stretches through the day, often in the few minutes between clients, and it’s amazing what a difference those few minutes can make. Never think that you don’t have time to stretch if your body really needs it. In the end I was working in a way that was much better for my body, I couldn’t exercise so I improved my diet so I wouldn’t put on weight. I toned every day for my healing and started to hear the most beautiful overtones and harmonics emerging from my voice.
I would never want to go through an experience like that again, but it taught me so much, and inspired such growth in my health and well-being, I look back and I offer blessings and gratitude. Even now as my shoulders are aching from flamenco, even so I can bless that most painful part of my journey. I am stretching my shoulders every day and being very mindful in my dance practice, this body is too precious to me for me to allow myself to go unconscious and allow it to be hurt.
Blissings and gratitude for the obstacles on my path which have been such awesome teachers!
I was very mindful now as I inched my way across the mini waterfall, it was very slippery and I only had one slightly damaged arm to help me along. The end of the walk should have been a relief but I was in a lot of pain, and there was still the hike out through rugged country to manage. We lit a fire and then I discovered that I hadn’t wrapped my things very well and my clothes were all wet, we hung things up to dry and I wore borrowed clothes. There was food but by this time the pain was so intense I felt nauseous and couldn’t eat a thing.
We contemplated staying the night there but I decided that I would prefer to try to get back to the house, so I put on my damp jeans and we began what for me had become one of the most arduous journeys of my life. The pain was incredibly intense, almost unbearable and it took an enormous effort of will to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I focused on my breath and began to breathe my pain into the embrace of Mother Earth, without that connection and support I don’t think I could have made it back.
Eventually I got back to the house which was full of beautiful people, many of them healers, who surrounded me with love and support. Even through my immense pain, I was beginning to understand that in walking the birth canal I had almost literally relived my own birth. I was induced, drugged and ripped out with forceps, then taken away from my mother for at least 24 hours, so it was an incredibly traumatic experience.
The difference this time was in the support around me, someone insisted on driving me to the nearest hospital, all they did was give me some pain killers but it was lovely to have all these people looking out for me. Most of them I hardly knew and yet here was all this love pouring out to me. I felt that I was rewriting my program around my birth, not something I would recommend to my clients but that was what I chose to create so it helped to start making sense out of it.
I am reborn!
Almost at the end of this tale, join me tomorrow for the final installment!
I set off down the creek in fine spirits, it felt amazing to be naked and walking through the water, the creek was shallow and made easy travelling. It was the 1st of november and we were most fortunate that it wasn’t too cold, there was enough sun coming through the trees and everything seemed perfect. What I hadn’t thought about was the fact that it was All Hallows Day, also know as the Day of the Dead, when the veils between the worlds are supposed to be thin and spirits walk the land.
All Hallows Day.
After a time we came to a place where the course of the creek narrowed and the first obstacle on the path presented itself. The water went through a narrow opening and below it was a deep and dark pool of water, the only way forward was to jump into the pool and swim to the other end. I am one of those people who tends to go first just to get that scary anticipation out of the way and so I stepped up and reached my arms up to brace myself on the rock on either side. Just as I jumped my foot slipped and my arms were wrenched backwards as I dove into the pool of icy water feet first.
I knew I had hurt myself but it didn’t seem too bad, I said to the other two women, “The left is worse but I think I’m ok, as long as I don’t slip and have to save myself with it.” Be careful what you say, I really should have known better! Instead of becoming very mindful I dropped into memories of being a child on bush walks and I went ahead of the others going faster than was wise. What would have been a simple slip became disaster as my left arm shot out to brace me and I felt incredible pain and could no longer use that arm.
I could no longer carry my plastic bag and had one arm that wasn’t quite as badly damaged to continue to negotiate my way along the path. I managed reasonably well until we got to the last bit where there was a small waterfall going into a small and deep pool of water. The idea was to slide down the waterfall into the pool as if you were being born, but I knew I would never be able to use my arms to push myself out.
Stay tuned for the next installment, hear how I managed to merge with Mother Earth as I hiked out in that rugged country.