Awareness and deep relaxation doesn’t always lead to bliss, at least not in the short term! I came home from a beautiful silent retreat yesterday feeling still and empty and was greeted by an excited Beloved who was very happy to see me. In his excitement I got triggered and I ended up releasing with tears and feeling quite miserable. And guess what, it was nobody’s fault! He didn’t say or do anything wrong but neither could I keep from expressing the feelings inside of me. I remembered the little card I had received during the retreat day which at the time I thought sounded like something it would be good to do but wasn’t sure what the precise message was. In this moment of tearful letting go I reflected on the message which was very clear at that moment, it was “be vulnerable”.
In a day of silence with restorative yoga, mindfulness meditation, and generally connecting with self and resting deeply I relaxed to a point that I haven’t experienced for what seems like a long time. With the tears I let go even more and shed a whole lot of stuff that I think I might have been holding on to for some time. This is a very good thing and something to celebrate but it doesn’t always feel good in the moment and it is taking a while for this to all move through. The point is that my Beloved and I didn’t end up having a big fight even though we both felt horrible, we supported each other as best we could and also gave each other space. And we didn’t stop saying “I love you” either, that’s something that is always true whatever the current emotional landscape.
Articulating your experience in any way that you can manage is a really great way to process uncomfortable feelings. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve done excellent processing and even managed a few insights as I share my inner world in this blog. Nobody is asking you to tell the whole world what you are feeling but putting it on paper or telling the dog can be a good way to release and process. Or you may find your own way of doing this, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else or involve coercion the choice is yours. And as the dust settles and the energy moves and integrates you are left with a deeper connection to yourself and to your partner. It is a challenging journey at times but I am never sorry to have embarked on the path of Sacred Union. Here is an article on Conscious Relationships you might enjoy:
And here is a post-script and report on how I did with the challenge I set myself last week to do some yoga and dance over the week. With a class and a retreat day I had no trouble doing yoga 4 times but I didn’t manage one dance, in fact I completely forgot about that bit! So I’m going to keep it simple and just focus on the yoga for now, another 4 times in the coming week. If you can get to Maleny I highly recommend the retreat I did with Melissa Borich, the setting is beautiful and the energy of the place quite delicious and very gentle, just what I needed!
In my last post I spoke of an idyllic country retreat with lots of green trees and fields and animals frolicking around the place. Sounds lovely doesn’t it but I’m afraid this was one of those times when the beauty was only skin deep, or rather it was true of the landscape but not so much for the human inhabitants. My Beloved and I had many red flags and warnings but we were blinded by fear and the lure of not paying any rent. So we found ourselves suddenly presented with a 7 day termination notice on the same day we were going into retreat. There was only one thing to be done, to go fearlessly into our inner realms to observe the myriad of fears that the situation triggered in us both.
And oh what a wondrous journey and what treasures we have brought back with us to this everyday waking reality. We ate a clean alkalising diet in the lead up to the retreat and this has continued since then as I avoid bread and sugar as much as possible. As a result my body feels lighter, I’ve lost weight and have so much energy it makes me high as a kite! There is a sense now with my Beloved and I that we are finally ready to truly move forward on our “Love Bubble Presents” journey. We have been running classes and our dances but the numbers have been low and that has had a lot to do with our own internal barriers to being prosperous and successful. We are never short of ideas on what might help our cause but actioning those strategies has been one of those things that somehow never seems to happen.
In the end though I can safely say that my Beloved and I have never actually been out of the flow of divine timing, even in the place that turned out to be like a bad dream. Somehow I always knew it was meant to be and the transformation that has followed more than justifies the anxiety and stress of the last few weeks. We got out of there in 6 days and found a safe haven the day before so we didn’t end up having to store our stuff and go couch surfing. It only took 2 days to create a welcoming, warm and loving space in our new digs and we found ourselves truly relaxing for the first time in a couple of months. Now the challenge is to do something with the wisdom that has come out of our plunge into the depths of self. It’s time to take hold of our courage with both hands and to allow the motivation of doing what we love to dissolve any fears that may be holding us back.
There was an oracle card that I drew twice in the same day while I was on retreat, it was Pele the Hawaiian Goddess of the volcano. She was representing melting into divine desire, getting all fired up and motivated by the passion of what I want to create in the world. What a perfect message to receive and at the perfect time too! May my prosperous future come to me with grace and ease and with the heat of passion and love!
I haven’t felt much like writing here what with all the goings on of recent times and when I started to get the urge to communicate I wondered what about. I will speak to you of the miracle that my Beloved and I have flowed into even as we had visioned during our search for a new home, at another time. For now let me say that we are living close to town on a beautiful property which carries very much the energy of retreat which was the message that Spirit sent to us with great clarity as we did the inner work. Moving is exhausting and every new situation has challenges as well as immediate blessings, so we are going through a period of adjustment, a transition time. I’ve been having a flare up of a bladder issue also so you might expect me to be grumpy and pissed off.
Well I don’t enjoy it when my bladder hurts but the empowerment of managing it myself is really satisfying. And being in a place that is quiet, surrounded by nature and animals, keeps me grounded even when I’m unwell. I did a day and a half of work at the start of this week and at the start of both days I sat on the grass in a park and meditated for ten minutes before heading off to work. On the second day I was walking down the path through a bit of bush and an inlet to my car when I found myself with a gorgeous blue and black butterfly hovering around me. I stood entranced with a huge smile on my face and when I began to walk the butterfly came with me and fluttered around really close to me. I realised that it was probably attracted to the swirling colours in my skirt but it was also a message from Spirit. Butterflies are all about transformation and it feels like my Beloved and I are going through something huge at the moment.
Butterfly in flight.
Change is inevitable and there are times when it may seem scary, to get a bit anxious about moving into the unknown is a normal part of being human I think. But it can also help to crack you open so that energy that is stuck can move and so surrendering to the things you cannot change is an important part of health and well being. I’m not speaking of becoming passive, simply accepting for example that death will come to all living beings at some time. Death may be the greatest transformation of all and one that my Beloved gets all excited about. I suspect I still carry fear around that part of my life but his attitude is rather comforting and I think it has helped me to let go of some of those fears.
Me and my Beloved.
There is always something to feel grateful for and at this particular moment I am remembering that stunning butterfly and the sweet joy that I experienced as it hovered around me. And so many other joyful moments, so many of them with my cohort in love, the sexiest man on the planet! Life that has been a little anxious lately is beginning to get reconnected to Nature, and that combined with true love is a recipe for Happiness!