Falling into the swirling pool of sacred union as we lay upon finely spun rainbows and travel into dimensions of delight and joy. Shedding energies dark and deep I feel a space unfold within, a sacred vessel to receive and to channel the energies of divine union. One body, one being, we are pure sensation as the tantric journey opens our hearts ever deeper and the healing goes deep and deeper. And so it is time for that healing to go to the forbidden places that mindfulness has been afraid to go, the anger never allowed to form, the grief underneath, the sense that the world is full of sorrow. New life springs forth even as energies release into the Mother of transformation, the alchemical smelting pot that turns despair into hope. Candles and coloured lanterns and balls, a happy flowered skull holds a candle like a friendly All Hallows Day spirit come to warm us with her sweet tempered light
‘Tis a new pathway a new beginning and the inspiration and creativity are cresting a wave of happiness as we fall and rise on the waves of existence, loving and learning as we go. I am in that flow and rising into fullness, the path of service to all of life, the sacred wholeness that is love. Blessed be, blessed be, my Beloved and Me, we are one on this journey.
The news out in our little bush shack in the forest is getting better and better. Our deep and abiding connection to nature which has been so nurtured here is now augmented with internet that actually works! The signal is a bit weak so it isn’t fast by city standards but it will do us just fine, and we have more data than ever before so it’s movie download time. So when we finally got home last Saturday from market on a day that could have been a disaster we had “The Empire Strikes Back” to watch. We were much in need of an escape into another world so spending a couple of hours in a galaxy far, far, away was very helpful.
Have I got you all intrigued now? We had our rainbow stall in the main street of Maleny last Saturday on one of those days when it is so hot you could probably fry eggs on the bitumen road. There were people about in the morning and we did make a few sales but after midday the street went very quiet. We kept drinking cold water and kombucha and moving as little as possible in a bid to avoid heat exhaustion but it was very challenging. I fold all the clothes away at the end of the day and usually quite enjoy it but with so little energy it was really hard to stay focused and precise. In the end I was hanging on to the vision of being at home and getting under the shower to wash off the layers of sticky sweat on my body. My mother who had the stall next to us had just driven off to her own vision of showering and getting cool when my Beloved gave me the news. The immobiliser that I use to keep my car secure in the absence of working locks was not on the key ring where it was supposed to be.
You can probably imagine how we both felt, just when you feel like you are at the end of your strength you suddenly have to deal with a crisis. It was horrible and I had moments of despair interspersed with encouraging messages from the Goddess who kept saying “It’s here, it’s here, keep looking!.” As I prayed to her we looked and looked on the grass, we backtracked the steps of my Beloved in case it might have fallen out somewhere on his travels but to no avail. Finally we rang around friends and found a lift for my Beloved to go and get his car so we could at least unload our market gear and get it and ourselves home. I stayed with the car and all I wanted to do was sit down but the Goddess was most insistent that it was there so I kept looking on the grass as it became a bit cooler and people started to appear in the street again. I had offers of help which is a common thing in our wonderful community but there wasn’t really anything anyone could do.
See the Goddess does answer our prayers!
Then there was a moment of grace as I quartered the grass, there looking so small and insignificant was the immobiliser. And so our bacon was saved and the best part of the whole experience was the fact that my Beloved and I didn’t bitch or snipe or project our horrible feelings on to each other. As the feeling came up I would notice the urge to project it out on to my Beloved, but I made the choice to sit with the feelings instead. It doesn’t feel very good but the alternative is to create unnecessary drama and cut off your best support. So when we had that moment of grace we could simply be grateful and celebrate not only our happy ending but also the way in which we navigated it. I LOVE being in a sacred union where we can always express our feelings without judgment and know that I always have somebody who is on my side.
A huge thank you to my Beloved who makes it possible for me to grow and develop through the way in which we communicate, and the space of grace that is our sacred union. Deep love and gratitude for my marvellous life!
This week I’d like to talk about being a muse, also known as a director and general giver of good feedback as my Beloved embarks on a career of writing and performing poetry. As a theatre person from way back I find that I seem to have lots of great ideas about how the fabulous rainbow gnome can tweak and refine the intricate weaving of words that are positively tumbling out of his inspired creativity. And yes I am biased but I’m not the only fan, there are some who have already paid for a copy of the inaugural spoken word album that will be out very soon in the new year. I am encouraging my sweetheart to do whatever he can to make a business out of this enterprise. It does my heart good to see him poring over the words in a space of delight and focus, and if it could be a part of our income as well we would both be over the moon.
A celebrity style photo of my Beloved if ever I saw one!
There are so many ways forward on this path, performances, albums, books and online resources, who knows my darling may even end up doing workshops for kids. Personally I don’t mind as long as I can have fun playing director, a role that always used to scare me a bit when I was an acting student. In those days at the beginning of my twenties I would struggle to think of feedback and often got very anxious if I had to do that for someone. Now my ideas emerge quite organically and it’s an enjoyable and effective process that is just one of the many activities that we love doing together. It helps that I’ve had three years of intimate contact with my Beloved so that I know him very well but it’s also because of the enormous shift that’s happened inside me.
When you have low self-esteem if can sometimes be hard to even come up with what your needs or desires are, people ask you what you want and you really don’t have any idea. The path of re-building my confidence happened over a thirty year period and included many different methods of deep healing. In this process I gradually shed all the stuff that was in the way of me experiencing myself as a valuable and worthwhile person in the world. What has emerged is a quiet confidence that doesn’t need to ‘achieve’ anything in order to be happy and content in life. I’m focused on my sacred union and the pleasure that comes from that particular delight and upon all the other myriad blessings that my life abounds with. So when I simply sit and read my favourite faerie book the slight nagging sense that I should be doing something more worthwhile is gone and I am so much more relaxed than I used to be.
Of course I still get triggered by various situations and people on occasion, I’m improved but not perfect which is great as it provides numerous opportunities for learning. But when you are relaxed and comfortable being who you are it is much easier to draw upon your inner resources of creativity. And playing with the ideas as they dance up into the realms of possibility is something I want to do as much as I can. So bring on my Beloved’s wonderful words and the inspiration that they usher into being! And as soon as the album is ready I will let the world know.
This is my Beloved strutting his stuff at the Kenilworth Poets Breakfast last year.
My Beloved and I decided to take a little bit of a honeymoon over a few days to take the opportunity to do some integration and celebration of our sacred union. It has been interesting noticing what has been going on in my inner world, especially when people ask the question, “How does it feel to be a married woman?” We do ritual a lot so while the wedding is still very big it may not carry quite the same weight as it does for many who enter into the process. But it is big enough and I felt stuff coming up on the first day of our retreat, some of it quite beautiful but there was also a lot of pain that came into my body as well. I had pain in my head and neck and shoulders and it created severe nausea in my belly that got really bad to the point where all I could do was sit with the pain and hold there. Not much fun I hear you say and you would be right but even as I sat in that place I was aware of what it was I was shedding so painfully.
It was my ‘cage’ that I was throwing up, all the things I’m supposed to be according to ‘polite society’. The shedding may not be pretty or enjoyable but the clarity that comes after letting go of what you’re ‘supposed’ to be can be very empowering and the choices just keep getting broader. For me getting married helps to anchor me into this place of freedom where my Beloved and I support each other to be the best that we can possibly be. This leads to personal happiness and important contributions to the community, there is no need for anyone to be lacking in anything in fact. We truly do live in a world where it is possible for everyone to have their needs met without anyone doing it hard or having to manage without important things. It all comes down to the way in which you view the world, see it as a malleable place that will respond to my needs and that is exactly what I will perceive and therefore receive.
Anyway my method of dealing with painful passages is to sit with the feelings and sensations until they eventually move on. It isn’t always easy but it is relatively simple to do and it works if you stick at it. When you get to the other side there is often a feeling of lightness that comes after all the shedding. The rest of our retreat was lovely and involved indulgence in food and drink, dance, yoga, and poetry, swimming and sauna and of course love making. I feel almost complete from our wedding now, a sense of growing up in the world and being ready to step into the next phase as a member of a unit that has now been acknowledged in the eyes of the world. So what next now I wonder? Stay tuned for my next post as Kerry and Brendan move into the next part of their amazing life!
In Western culture we have little left in the way of ritual in our lives and when we do engage in some kind of ceremony the deeper meaning is often lost in the race to spend money and look good. A wedding is not just a chance to have a great party although that is certainly an important aspect. It is also an opportunity for people to come together in community, to connect and in many cases re-connect after long periods of separation. My Beloved and I are particularly looking forward to the eclectic mix that will be the selection of folk coming to help us celebrate our sacred union.
We’ve already started the process of connecting with community by having an art and craft day yesterday where we made lots of paper flowers to decorate the hall in the spirit of the Mexican Day of the Dead. I never realised how easy it is to make beautiful flowers with just crepe paper, pipe cleaners and a pair of scissors. At the end of the day one of my friends made the flowers into big bunches and we hung them all up on the back of a cane bookcase. At this point I am really wishing that we had a camera to take a picture of this amazing riot of colour. So the end result of our efforts was truly captivating but even more wonderful the energy created by a bunch of people coming together to engage in creative play and conversation.
All of this lovely energy will be a part of our wedding day along with the actual physical flowers and will help to create a feeling of happy harmony. Sounds like the perfect atmosphere for an event that will be celebrating relationship as a spiritual practice. And of course in relationship as in life, there is always the shadow as well as the bright, cheery light that we all love. That will be represented by our co-celebrant who will be in black symbolising death and chaos, while the other celebrant will be in white representing life and order. It is so important to have ways of navigating the dark and difficult times in relationship yet this is something that is often ignored in modern society. So when the sweetness is swept away by black thunderstorms people end up projecting their stuff on to each other and the next thing you know they are in the divorce court.
The alternative is to hang in there and support each other through the difficult times even if you sometimes have no idea what is going on. Your darling is in the depths of depression and there is nothing you can say that will help, well maybe being silent is how you can be supportive. Or simply holding each other without words and letting your bodies do the talking, gaining reassurance from physical contact. If you can stay with the process you will find your relationship deepening as you become even closer. With every challenge and obstacle on our path my Beloved and I have become closer and closer and every day I love him a little bit more. Ain’t love grand!
My Beloved and I are shifting into a new phase of our sacred union and it comes at a time when we are preparing for our very private commitment ceremony. So why am I telling you about it? Because it is incredibly significant to me at this time and I try always to write authentically from my heart in this space. You don’t need to know the details but I can tell you about what it means to me. We’ve been talking about having a ceremony for a very long time but it is only as it comes closer that I am feeling the shift that it represents.
Deeper and deeper I go following the guidance of my softly open heart, always there is a deeper place to go to. In my experience there is no end to love, it keeps opening and saying yes, even when things get hard. And we have had a few challenges lately, sometimes it feels as though we are teenagers trying to work out who we are and in a way that’s actually the truth of the matter. At a time when people are ‘supposed’ to be all settled we are searching for who we truly are and living on the smell of an oily rag as we do so.
But even at moments when it feels like everything is going wrong we always have each other. Without blame or unconscious projections you make sure not to sabotage the greatest support that you have, the person who loves you unreservedly. So when you are experiencing uncomfortable feelings try not to look for someone to blame. Sit with the feelings and if you have the courage to stay with that process they will eventually move. As you drop deeper you will uncover inner treasures that may amaze and delight you, possibly even confront you a little. Particularly as you begin to discover just how incredible you are when you allow all that trivial crap to fall away.
This poem is very dear to us both and expresses the love that we share so very beautifully, I hope you enjoy these exquisite words from Sally Cutler:
In the garden…
I promise I will always dance with you in the garden.
I promise to always honour your beauty.
I promise to recognise your divinity.
I promise to look after you, even when it’s hard.
I promise to always be with you, in all your exquisite flaws.
I promise to know you are love,
I promise to forgive you when you forget.
I promise my soul to you in this body.
I promise to show you your true self over and over again,
in the rising of the sun and the turning of the earth.
I promise when you need me, I’ll be right there,
in the soil under your feet and the sweet rhythm of your heartbeat.
I promise to stand as you under the stars.
I promise you are always light.
I promise I will always dance with you in the garden.