Tag Archives: sadness

The Felt Sense.

Champagne in the middle of the day, even just a little bit, makes a girl wilt like a flower that’s been left without water for too long. It makes finding the inspiration for a post that much harder to find, so I’m doing what I always do in this situation, writing about what I’m feeling in this very moment and see where it takes me. There’s a weariness and a vulnerability in me, and I’m not quite sure what it’s about, after my recent experiences of my feelings being amplified by a malicious outside source, one can’t help wondering if something like that is going on yet again.

champagne

How can I tell if this is mine, mmmmmm…….guess I need to pause for a moment and tune in, and also use my imagination to put a mirror all around me, so that if anything is coming from outside of me it will be reflected back to sender. Ok so I did all that and this is definitely mine, there was no shift when I made the mirror and when I focused on the feeling in my belly it moved up to my heart. It’s sadness with no particular story attached to it which is another clue, an invasive energy is going to stir up your negative self-talk and stories. I acknowledged the feeling and it began to shift into warmth and tingling, signs of the energy moving, there is a tiny bit left but I actually feel a bit less tired.

It takes practice to tune into your body but it’s a skill that is well worth developing, if you can connect with its authentic voice the body has much wisdom to offer us. There are many doorways that lead to that knowing, dance, yoga, and meditation are my personal favourites but take your pick, there is a wonderful world out there just bursting with ideas on how to connect more deeply with the self.

Enjoy the journey!

Eugene Gendlin talks about focusing, this explores our deeper ‘felt’ sense and can help you to understand your body’s point of view:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7PEC5Mh5FY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmL4zjVi8Dk

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Wham Bam Thank You Mam!

I toyed with the idea of scrapping my last post, not sure it quite hung together, but then I decided it was probably reflecting me exactly where I was in that moment, once again I find myself imperfect! There I was saying how nice it was to be clear for a change, and then wham bam thank you mam, huge amount of stuff on the move, deepest loss and abandonment, full of such sadness. I think it is something you could describe as a moving feast, sometimes the dishes are good and sometimes they are flavoured with regret, grief, or anger.

David Bowie: he played out his 'stuff' for all to see, some great music came out of that process!

David Bowie: he played out his ‘stuff’ for all to see, some great music came out of that process!

I am certainly getting clearer and clearer on what I do and do not want in my life, even when the emotional storm leaves you feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck, there is a sense of clarity that comes as the storm begins to clear. That feeling that so much has been washed away, there is a new world to explore where nothing is quite the same anymore. There is a choice, you can yearn for the old way of being, or you can look with excitement to a whole new perception of the reality around you. If I am being truthful about myself here, and I really do try to be very honest with you all, I probably go between those two states, with the new way gradually gaining more power and momentum until you find yourself positively humming in that direction!

It’s a great theory and I do practice it, although in practice it might not always be so easy to see the pattern of back and forthing as it is happening. The main thing is to keep releasing anything that isn’t serving you, and if it keeps coming up then keep releasing it, repetition being an important part of change. And let your heart draw you in the direction of the new reality that is opening up to you, it will know what to do if you allow it to do what it does best, embracing and surrendering, loving all things, seeing the life force in everyone………….

Love is all you need…………..blissings.

This is kind of gratuitous but I thought of this David Bowie song when I remembered the phrase, wham bam thank you mam. He is so young and so utterly beautiful, in such an androgynous way, must have been so many boys and girls in love with him then, me being one of them, enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSQ0LWnFx7w

Weary, Sad Goddess.

Sadness slips out of me and pools on the floor, it wants to be numb, but I can’t go there anymore, I have to feel it no matter how hard, how painful. I’ve felt worse, this is a gentle feeling although it still sucks the life out of you, let it be but don’t indulge it, for it may lead you into inertia and a downhill spiral that will leave you without breath in your body, or spirit in your soul. It’s a sense of loss that opens up a grey place where everything is hopeless and nobody ever wakes up or escapes. I used to get lost in that place but now I am merely a visitor, watching the scene and feeling it in my heart, but knowing I can leave at any time.

Crying Angel

Sleep will wash away the fog and bring me into a bright new day, the loss is for something I never actually had even for a moment, so how hard can the letting go be! Dear Goddess, I’ve been so very good, I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do, I’m following the path of spirit as best as I possibly can, is there not a long clear day for me sometime soon? Where I can rest on my laurels for a moment, and walk hand in hand with joy and not a care in the whole wide world, where the inner peace that is within me is filling me and flowing out into the world around me.

That day will be tomorrow, but until then I am in this place of bitter-sweet half regret, I have to keep feeling it and then letting it go, feeling and letting go, knowing that it is all a part of the process and that being alone is the biggest illusion of all. And yet that does not stop us from feeling the pain of loss, for who amongst us can lay claim to true sovereignty over self, true surrender to what is.

From a poem by Sir Thomas Wyatt

And wilt thou leave me thus,
That hath loved thee so long
In wealth and woe among?
And is thy heart so strong
As for to leave me thus?
I’m feeling better already, after all I am fair and square in the middle of an amazing community that loves and acknowledges me, bit hard to be abandoned or left behind.
I release the illusion of separation, I step into a life of community, love and nourishing support, so be it, so be it, so be it…………………………………..

The Pity Party.

My Wild Woman is urging me to throw off my sad cloak and to throw myself into the fray with every bit of me that’s available, she wants me to have FUN, FUN, FUN…………and I couldn’t agree more! There may be waves of sadness still at times in my future, but there will always be grey days even in a Technicolor life. That is the light and shade of a life well lived, the landscapes keep on changing and there is always more to take in and enjoy.

wildwoman

The other night when I was in that grieving process, I ended up on you tube looking up unrequited love, soppy I know but I bet you’ve done stuff like that, you’re just not game to admit it! The songs just weren’t doing it for me and so I watched a clip from Leah, who is a very smart young woman giving advice on how to deal with unrequited love. She is so spot on with what she says, I was reminded that dance is a way that I process difficult feelings, and that the most important thing was to be in my life fully and passionately. She has lots of other cool things to say, check it out, she’s obviously one of those awake Generation Y kids (See my next post Generation of Hope).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEIlp9Q4R1Q

From there I ended up listening to Abraham, channelled by Esther Hicks if you haven’t heard of him, he talks a lot about creating the vibration that you want to attract, well moping around and sobbing sporadically isn’t going to bring you anything you really want is it? The last clip I listened to was Dating Abraham Style and that really got me out of the trough I was wallowing in, not that a little bit of wallowing isn’t ok, but you don’t want to spend your whole life there! Abraham kept saying, (about dating), its supposed to be fun, don’t keep saying, is this the one, is this the one, just get out there and have a good time, the rest will take care of itself.

So I’m taking that advice to heart and going to a party this weekend, I’m actually driving an hour away up the coast, usually its hard to pry me out of my wonderful little town but there are times when you really do need a change of scene. I intend to go without expectation, with an open heart and the intention to have lots of fun meeting beautiful people and being myself in all my fullness!

Here’s that Abraham clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vL3lm1Inplc

The Father Weeps.

raintrees

Winter descends with a grip grown icy, and begins to weep and weep, mirroring my own deep sadness, gentle, but pervading my entire being, soft and spiraling down. Every new beginning contains the end of all manner of things, as I move through this transition with as much grace as I can muster, almost gliding along at times.

The death of a small animal that was mine to care for, the death of a dream that was never actually mine, the shifts and changes in relationship and the opening of new doorways. What seemed exciting the day before is hollowed out by nature’s sobbing, the deep relaxation found in the meditation at the end of my morning practice is still there inside me, a huge white space that holds the promise of freedom, yet feels cold.

This is not misery nor despair, it is not loss nor is it abandonment. The truth is that this is not completely mine, I take responsiblity for the emptiness for that is where I source my true power, ’tis where my fullness lies. But the sadness comes from another, a deep connection that does not want to be severed, it fears to embrace the glory of the fullness that was open to its seeking tendrils, yet neither can it let go. Attraction and repulsion playing an inner tug of war beneath the level of conscious awareness, am I perhaps going into madness, and yet my intuition is quite sure of what it knows.

From Oracle of the Dragonfae by Lucy Cavendish.

From Oracle of the Dragonfae by Lucy Cavendish.

Before I sat down to write I took a card from Lucy Cavendish’s Oracle of the Dragonfae, Gwynne and Elluish, which told me that my connection to nature is getting stronger and that my intuition is growing with it, and that I will be receiving messages from my own inner knowing that I can trust. So I tend to believe what is coming to me in the way of that knowledge and I break that deep connection with much love and great respect, there will always be love, after all, where could it go?

And as I do this the sadness begins to lift, leaving only the emptiness…………..pregnant with the dawn of a new day that is almost ready to peep over the horizon………..my inner smile grows……as Father Sky continues to weep and weep.

Inspiration Lost.

At last the moment I always wondered about has arrived, I sit here with absolutely no idea what to write about, so I’ll begin by what is happening inside of me, and let’s see where that may take us. My belly is feeling uneasy again and I’m aware of a deep sadness that lies beneath my weariness, it has overtones of abandonment and loss.

The boundless energy I’ve been experiencing since my big release a couple of months ago seems to have deserted me, I hope it’s just a bit more rest that I am needing. Or maybe it’s time for more release, if that’s the case then I wonder what or who the trigger will be this time, I must remember to stay in my heart. Just tried to do some breathing in and out of my heart and I noticed some resistance, it’s like there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of this feeling of doom, I wonder if that’s Nellie Needy.

I will do a little toning, then meditate and maybe see what writing comes from that space, perhaps you will meet brilliance in my next post with inspiration and energy fully restored! Then to sleep, perchance to dream!

hearttreespiritualenergy

I did tone and meditate and the message was loud and clear, go to bed and rest and so I did and here I am in the morning, uneasy belly and furry head. I am off to my two-hour yoga class very soon so perhaps that movement of body and energy fields will begin to stir the pot of creativity. I will set an intention to clear the fog and to free up my life force energy and who knows what will happen, I’ve had some big shifts in this class before.

Home again and the energy is flowing as I release sorrow and loss, the messages keep coming from all directions, be still, go within, don’t try to make anything happen, simply be………………….and so I shall.

The Illusion Of Suffering.

Dear Goddess, will there always be contractions rolling through my being after riding the giddy heights of ecstasy????? After a week of handling my dental woes with depth and authenticity, of walking my talk and putting my money where my mouth is, here I am in the grips of the current which is pulling me down relentlessly into the depths of sadness and loss. Another toning circle today and it seems to have stirred up the dark depths lurking in my core, not misery or despair but such sadness, I feel empty and am doing my best to resist thoughts of how to fill that space.

Feeling so alone in this moment and yet I am aware that it is an illusion, if I so choose I never have far to reach to find a loving heart that will enfold me and hold me. The truth is that my need here is to hold and enfold myself, I’ve only just rebuilt my self-esteem after all, so one has to expect some teething problems in the new model (no pun intended!). Writing about it always helps, somehow it gives me perspective on what I am thinking and feeling, helps me to step back into the role of the observer and truly see what I am doing to myself.

There is nothing in my life that is making me suffer, it is only my perception that makes it so. But I can understand why people get carried away, it seems so real when you are in that feeling state whatever it is, it really is like one of those currents in the sea that can carry you away to drown before you even know what is happening.

So find the thing that helps you to step back from the current and get that larger perspective, see it from the point of view of the sea where that current is only a tiny part of the whole. If you are searching for ways to change your thinking I can recommend Byron Katie, her website is: http://www.thework.com/

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”
―    Byron Katie,    Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life