Tag Archives: sadness

The Felt Sense.

Posted on July 7, 2013 | Leave a comment

Champagne in the middle of the day, even just a little bit, makes a girl wilt like a flower that’s been left without water for too long. It makes finding the inspiration for a post that much harder to find, so I’m doing what I always do in this situation, writing about what I’m feeling in this very moment and see where it takes me. There’s a weariness and a vulnerability in me, and I’m not quite sure what it’s about, after my recent experiences of my feelings being amplified by a malicious outside source, one can’t help wondering if something like that is going on yet again.

champagne

How can I tell if this is mine, mmmmmm…….guess I need to pause for a moment and tune in, and also use my imagination to put a mirror all around me, so that if anything is coming from outside of me it will be reflected back to sender. Ok so I did all that and this is definitely mine, there was no shift when I made the mirror and when I focused on the feeling in my belly it moved up to my heart. It’s sadness with no particular story attached to it which is another clue, an invasive energy is going to stir up your negative self-talk and stories. I acknowledged the feeling and it began to shift into warmth and tingling, signs of the energy moving, there is a tiny bit left but I actually feel a bit less tired.

It takes practice to tune into your body but it’s a skill that is well worth developing, if you can connect with its authentic voice the body has much wisdom to offer us. There are many doorways that lead to that knowing, dance, yoga, and meditation are my personal favourites but take your pick, there is a wonderful world out there just bursting with ideas on how to connect more deeply with the self.

Enjoy the journey!

Eugene Gendlin talks about focusing, this explores our deeper ‘felt’ sense and can help you to understand your body’s point of view:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7PEC5Mh5FY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmL4zjVi8Dk

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Wham Bam Thank You Mam!

Posted on June 4, 2013 | Leave a comment

I toyed with the idea of scrapping my last post, not sure it quite hung together, but then I decided it was probably reflecting me exactly where I was in that moment, once again I find myself imperfect! There I was saying how nice it was to be clear for a change, and then wham bam thank you mam, huge amount of stuff on the move, deepest loss and abandonment, full of such sadness. I think it is something you could describe as a moving feast, sometimes the dishes are good and sometimes they are flavoured with regret, grief, or anger.

David Bowie: he played out his 'stuff' for all to see, some great music came out of that process!

David Bowie: he played out his ‘stuff’ for all to see, some great music came out of that process!

I am certainly getting clearer and clearer on what I do and do not want in my life, even when the emotional storm leaves you feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck, there is a sense of clarity that comes as the storm begins to clear. That feeling that so much has been washed away, there is a new world to explore where nothing is quite the same anymore. There is a choice, you can yearn for the old way of being, or you can look with excitement to a whole new perception of the reality around you. If I am being truthful about myself here, and I really do try to be very honest with you all, I probably go between those two states, with the new way gradually gaining more power and momentum until you find yourself positively humming in that direction!

It’s a great theory and I do practice it, although in practice it might not always be so easy to see the pattern of back and forthing as it is happening. The main thing is to keep releasing anything that isn’t serving you, and if it keeps coming up then keep releasing it, repetition being an important part of change. And let your heart draw you in the direction of the new reality that is opening up to you, it will know what to do if you allow it to do what it does best, embracing and surrendering, loving all things, seeing the life force in everyone………….

Love is all you need…………..blissings.

This is kind of gratuitous but I thought of this David Bowie song when I remembered the phrase, wham bam thank you mam. He is so young and so utterly beautiful, in such an androgynous way, must have been so many boys and girls in love with him then, me being one of them, enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSQ0LWnFx7w

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Weary, Sad Goddess.

Posted on June 3, 2013 | Leave a comment

Sadness slips out of me and pools on the floor, it wants to be numb, but I can’t go there anymore, I have to feel it no matter how hard, how painful. I’ve felt worse, this is a gentle feeling although it still sucks the life out of you, let it be but don’t indulge it, for it may lead you into inertia and a downhill spiral that will leave you without breath in your body, or spirit in your soul. It’s a sense of loss that opens up a grey place where everything is hopeless and nobody ever wakes up or escapes. I used to get lost in that place but now I am merely a visitor, watching the scene and feeling it in my heart, but knowing I can leave at any time.

Crying Angel

Sleep will wash away the fog and bring me into a bright new day, the loss is for something I never actually had even for a moment, so how hard can the letting go be! Dear Goddess, I’ve been so very good, I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do, I’m following the path of spirit as best as I possibly can, is there not a long clear day for me sometime soon? Where I can rest on my laurels for a moment, and walk hand in hand with joy and not a care in the whole wide world, where the inner peace that is within me is filling me and flowing out into the world around me.

That day will be tomorrow, but until then I am in this place of bitter-sweet half regret, I have to keep feeling it and then letting it go, feeling and letting go, knowing that it is all a part of the process and that being alone is the biggest illusion of all. And yet that does not stop us from feeling the pain of loss, for who amongst us can lay claim to true sovereignty over self, true surrender to what is.

From a poem by Sir Thomas Wyatt

And wilt thou leave me thus,
That hath loved thee so long
In wealth and woe among?
And is thy heart so strong
As for to leave me thus?
I’m feeling better already, after all I am fair and square in the middle of an amazing community that loves and acknowledges me, bit hard to be abandoned or left behind.
I release the illusion of separation, I step into a life of community, love and nourishing support, so be it, so be it, so be it…………………………………..

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The Pity Party.

Posted on May 25, 2013 | 3 comments

My Wild Woman is urging me to throw off my sad cloak and to throw myself into the fray with every bit of me that’s available, she wants me to have FUN, FUN, FUN…………and I couldn’t agree more! There may be waves of sadness still at times in my future, but there will always be grey days even in a Technicolor life. That is the light and shade of a life well lived, the landscapes keep on changing and there is always more to take in and enjoy.

wildwoman

The other night when I was in that grieving process, I ended up on you tube looking up unrequited love, soppy I know but I bet you’ve done stuff like that, you’re just not game to admit it! The songs just weren’t doing it for me and so I watched a clip from Leah, who is a very smart young woman giving advice on how to deal with unrequited love. She is so spot on with what she says, I was reminded that dance is a way that I process difficult feelings, and that the most important thing was to be in my life fully and passionately. She has lots of other cool things to say, check it out, she’s obviously one of those awake Generation Y kids (See my next post Generation of Hope).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEIlp9Q4R1Q

From there I ended up listening to Abraham, channelled by Esther Hicks if you haven’t heard of him, he talks a lot about creating the vibration that you want to attract, well moping around and sobbing sporadically isn’t going to bring you anything you really want is it? The last clip I listened to was Dating Abraham Style and that really got me out of the trough I was wallowing in, not that a little bit of wallowing isn’t ok, but you don’t want to spend your whole life there! Abraham kept saying, (about dating), its supposed to be fun, don’t keep saying, is this the one, is this the one, just get out there and have a good time, the rest will take care of itself.

So I’m taking that advice to heart and going to a party this weekend, I’m actually driving an hour away up the coast, usually its hard to pry me out of my wonderful little town but there are times when you really do need a change of scene. I intend to go without expectation, with an open heart and the intention to have lots of fun meeting beautiful people and being myself in all my fullness!

Here’s that Abraham clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vL3lm1Inplc

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The Father Weeps.

Posted on May 24, 2013 | Leave a comment

raintrees

Winter descends with a grip grown icy, and begins to weep and weep, mirroring my own deep sadness, gentle, but pervading my entire being, soft and spiraling down. Every new beginning contains the end of all manner of things, as I move through this transition with as much grace as I can muster, almost gliding along at times.

The death of a small animal that was mine to care for, the death of a dream that was never actually mine, the shifts and changes in relationship and the opening of new doorways. What seemed exciting the day before is hollowed out by nature’s sobbing, the deep relaxation found in the meditation at the end of my morning practice is still there inside me, a huge white space that holds the promise of freedom, yet feels cold.

This is not misery nor despair, it is not loss nor is it abandonment. The truth is that this is not completely mine, I take responsiblity for the emptiness for that is where I source my true power, ’tis where my fullness lies. But the sadness comes from another, a deep connection that does not want to be severed, it fears to embrace the glory of the fullness that was open to its seeking tendrils, yet neither can it let go. Attraction and repulsion playing an inner tug of war beneath the level of conscious awareness, am I perhaps going into madness, and yet my intuition is quite sure of what it knows.

From Oracle of the Dragonfae by Lucy Cavendish.

From Oracle of the Dragonfae by Lucy Cavendish.

Before I sat down to write I took a card from Lucy Cavendish’s Oracle of the Dragonfae, Gwynne and Elluish, which told me that my connection to nature is getting stronger and that my intuition is growing with it, and that I will be receiving messages from my own inner knowing that I can trust. So I tend to believe what is coming to me in the way of that knowledge and I break that deep connection with much love and great respect, there will always be love, after all, where could it go?

And as I do this the sadness begins to lift, leaving only the emptiness…………..pregnant with the dawn of a new day that is almost ready to peep over the horizon………..my inner smile grows……as Father Sky continues to weep and weep.

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Inspiration Lost.

Posted on April 24, 2013 | Leave a comment

At last the moment I always wondered about has arrived, I sit here with absolutely no idea what to write about, so I’ll begin by what is happening inside of me, and let’s see where that may take us. My belly is feeling uneasy again and I’m aware of a deep sadness that lies beneath my weariness, it has overtones of abandonment and loss.

The boundless energy I’ve been experiencing since my big release a couple of months ago seems to have deserted me, I hope it’s just a bit more rest that I am needing. Or maybe it’s time for more release, if that’s the case then I wonder what or who the trigger will be this time, I must remember to stay in my heart. Just tried to do some breathing in and out of my heart and I noticed some resistance, it’s like there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of this feeling of doom, I wonder if that’s Nellie Needy.

I will do a little toning, then meditate and maybe see what writing comes from that space, perhaps you will meet brilliance in my next post with inspiration and energy fully restored! Then to sleep, perchance to dream!

hearttreespiritualenergy

I did tone and meditate and the message was loud and clear, go to bed and rest and so I did and here I am in the morning, uneasy belly and furry head. I am off to my two-hour yoga class very soon so perhaps that movement of body and energy fields will begin to stir the pot of creativity. I will set an intention to clear the fog and to free up my life force energy and who knows what will happen, I’ve had some big shifts in this class before.

Home again and the energy is flowing as I release sorrow and loss, the messages keep coming from all directions, be still, go within, don’t try to make anything happen, simply be………………….and so I shall.

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The Illusion Of Suffering.

Posted on April 16, 2013 | Leave a comment

Dear Goddess, will there always be contractions rolling through my being after riding the giddy heights of ecstasy????? After a week of handling my dental woes with depth and authenticity, of walking my talk and putting my money where my mouth is, here I am in the grips of the current which is pulling me down relentlessly into the depths of sadness and loss. Another toning circle today and it seems to have stirred up the dark depths lurking in my core, not misery or despair but such sadness, I feel empty and am doing my best to resist thoughts of how to fill that space.

Feeling so alone in this moment and yet I am aware that it is an illusion, if I so choose I never have far to reach to find a loving heart that will enfold me and hold me. The truth is that my need here is to hold and enfold myself, I’ve only just rebuilt my self-esteem after all, so one has to expect some teething problems in the new model (no pun intended!). Writing about it always helps, somehow it gives me perspective on what I am thinking and feeling, helps me to step back into the role of the observer and truly see what I am doing to myself.

There is nothing in my life that is making me suffer, it is only my perception that makes it so. But I can understand why people get carried away, it seems so real when you are in that feeling state whatever it is, it really is like one of those currents in the sea that can carry you away to drown before you even know what is happening.

So find the thing that helps you to step back from the current and get that larger perspective, see it from the point of view of the sea where that current is only a tiny part of the whole. If you are searching for ways to change your thinking I can recommend Byron Katie, her website is: http://www.thework.com/

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”
―    Byron Katie,    Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

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Phoenix Rising.

Posted on April 7, 2013 | Leave a comment

A tender spiral invites me to swirl down and down into my soft sweet centre, there are no thoughts there, simply a warm acceptance of my beingness. I flow with the current, as the moon tugs at my innermost parts and asks me to sink into those depths, to let go of surface attachment and to be………… I pause in the midst of madness, and my blood chooses that moment of divine timing to release, carrying sadness, grief and anger, a river of loss and abandonment returning to the source from which it came………….. and being transformed.

Quantum Fractal Energy Mandala: On Facebook.

Quantum Fractal Energy Mandala: On Facebook.

Nothing is ever truly lost, not love nor beauty, for where could it go? In deepest grief this knowing may take a very long time to be truly accepted and integrated. Though we may distract ourselves and pretend that our world is complete, there is always this yawning abyss waiting to engulf us, we fear that it will take us and we may never find our way home again. And yet home is where we’ve always been!

To gradually peel away the layers of self, the false images we created for protection, that became an armour that seemed unbreakable. With each release another distraction loses its charm, and we can begin to become more present with what is actually before us, the truth of the beauty of what our present moment contains. Surely this is worth the trials of sitting with discomfort, with pain and a sense of emptiness that sometimes seems unbearable, for the light at the end of the tunnel may seem far away, but that it is there is certain.

My long dark night of the soul is far behind me, but I would go there again in a moment if that was what the journey required, the blessings that have come to me in its wake are too many to be counted. From the ashes of my pain I am reborn, and the world is a beautiful place………………

The Prayer of Light

Love before me Love behind me Love at my left Love at my right Love above me Love below me Love unto me Love in my surroundings Love to all Love to the Universe

Peace before me Peace behind me Peace at my left Peace at my right Peace above me Peace below me Peace unto me Peace in my surroundings Peace to all Peace to the Universe

Light before me Light behind me Light at my left Light at my right Light above me Light below me Light unto me Light in my surroundings Light to all Light to the Universe

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Contracting Into Compassion.

Posted on February 19, 2013 | Leave a comment

And so the loss sits in my heart, the contraction that will often follow a period of great bliss and joy, the light that has been streaming in illuminates whatever needs to move. There is no story attached to it, something that I don’t need anymore is leaving me and I feel sadness as it’s moving out, I feel myself going within to be alone until this has passed and I may go into the world again. Which by the way will be tomorrow!

Sounding a bit like a Greek tragedy am I not? The pain is deep because I am allowing myself to feel all of it, but it’s transitory, and when it’s gone I will be that much lighter for the surrender that has occurred. I sat in a Tesla Stargate today and felt strong energies moving through my body, this feeling I have now is no doubt a part of the healing process, expansion followed by contraction, followed by a lightening of the load.

I choose to surrender to the space that my soul is sailing through, an ocean with many currents and none of them right, and none of them wrong, simply what is in the moment. I allow the moisture to form in my windows on the world, the place where those who know how to look may truly see me. Just as I feel myself expressing the truth of my deepest self to be witnessed, I am able to perceive all the ways in which I still am holding back.

It’s tempting to dabble in a little self-flagellation, but alas I am awake to the drawbacks of that particular game and so I shall have to simply accept that I am a work in progress. I can feel little Miss I have to get it right, possibly even perfect, still finding a voice to nag with, but her power has much diminished. I think that I sometimes go a bit unconscious when big shifts are moving through, my brain can get a bit foggy and so that probably gives the little Miss the idea that she might be able to take over.

No such luck sweetheart, this is one crazy lady who can always find compassion in her heart for her own sweet self, even when she feels like a bit of a dummy. So goodnight to serious considerations and hello to Buffy, or perhaps a bit of travel through the world of Robin Hobb’s fantasies, as the dolphins said just before they left the earth that had been marked for demolition by a Vogon Fleet, “Goodby and thanks for all the fish!”

whitefaceeyesfantasycity

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Rebirth.

Posted on January 30, 2013 | Leave a comment

I’ve been asked a couple of times what I mean when I talk about processing stuff and releasing it out of the body. Stuff seems like a terribly vague description, yet its hard to find another word that sums it up as well. There are so many elements involved when shifts are occurring, it’s feelings, physical sensations, thoughts, movement of energy, somehow stuff just seems to cover all possibilities.

For me I often notice a sensation of dis-ease in my belly, if there is a lot going on it can affect my appetite so I’m not very hungry. In the lead up to my big release last saturday, I ate out at the film society and they had one of my favourite deserts, lemon tart, but I had absolutely no desire for it, couldn’t even finish my main meal.

When I left the rain was pouring and the wind was howling, and I began to feel a sense of emptiness and deep sadness even as I drove away. By the time I got home the sadness was really strong and I sat to write for a time, I let words just come, I reflected on my afternoon and evening, nothing seemed to fit for what I was feeling.

Finally I went to bed and lay there not able to sleep as the feelings continued to move and my mind wandered. At one point I remembered something I had said to my friend about the decimation of my self-esteem, from the age of 16 to about 18, and how I felt that I had only rebuilt the last of it in the last year and a half, here in my new home. In that moment everything came together and I thought of taking 30 years to come back to myself, and I wept as I released all the feelings and sensations that had been swirling around inside me.

It felt HUGE and the next day I felt AMAZING, mum came to visit and noted how clear I was looking, after she’d gone I looked in the mirror and it was like a new person looking back at me. Who is this gorgeous woman I said to myself as I gazed upon this incredible sight, the clarity in my face was extraordinary!

Whatever we have experienced and not fully expressed, gets crystalised in the cells of the body. You can understand past events with your mind but at the end of the day, it will be the trauma held in your cellular memory that is actually running you. It’s an ongoing process, I had another big release the next night and even now I can feel dis-ease in my belly.

I have the intention to heal everything in this lifetime, so I really can’t complain when things keep coming up. Slowly but surely my life gets better and better, my capacity for experiencing happiness and joy continues to expand, and at last I can truly say to myself, I love you Kerry, you are perfect exactly as you are in this moment, and mean every word.

Rebirth

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