I keep thinking of that Split Enz song, ‘Six Months in a Leaky Boat’, I’ve recently had ten days that felt like being in a storm on a boat in the middle of the ocean, there were calm spells but the storm kept coming back, and I felt incredibly battered and bruised by the end of it. The sea of course is representing my emotional state of being, the trigger was very much outside of me and created a swirling vortex of mixed emotions. And finally I began to allow myself to feel anger, I know I always say, “Don’t blame the trigger”, but there’s nothing wrong with righteous anger in response to inappropriate behaviour, as long as you don’t go out and kill someone, however much you would like to!
The trick here is to keep focusing on what is happening for you, express your truth to another if that’s what’s needed, but have no expectation on how it will be received. The most important thing is to speak it, if the person you are communicating with chooses to disregard possible insights that may be there for them, then that’s their business, and really, do you actually want to be in charge of sorting out someone else’s crap? I didn’t think so, well neither do I, so I’m doing my best to let go of the need to be right, and to be at peace with the clarity that is now crystal clear around me, as clear as the night sky in my haven in the bush.
There is a sense of freedom and liberation that is becoming more and more expanded in my being, the grief grows less and less, and I can open into the inner space that has suddenly become available. It’s happening very fast so I guess I was ready to go there, with all the shedding I’ve been doing the inner realms would have to be becoming more streamlined!
Moral of the story, never give up no matter how long and bloody the road, follow your intuition and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. And always be true to yourself, even when it scares the bejesus out of you!
Here is Split Enz singing ‘Six Months in a Leaky Boat’, even more apt then I remembered, when you strike out to explore new territory it can get pretty uncomfortable, but go for it anyway!
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Tagged anger, clarity, emotional, freedom, grief, inner space, intuition, peace, sea, storm, trigger, truth
As I mentioned in my last post I have had a lot of powerful feelings coming up, old negative patterns and belief systems, and I just keep letting go and letting go. Sounds very spiritual doesn’t it, maybe even supernatural???? Very much so and I would like to thank Buffy the Vampire Slayer for being a wonderful distraction from negative self talk! Nine episodes in three days and my head is full of demons and witches, sexy vampires and cute teenage fashions, I may not be a shopper but I still enjoy the outfits.
Yes, I have another confession to make, I LOVE watching fantasy and science fiction shows and reading the books, Ann Rice writes with a seductiveness you will never ever find in a mills and boon romance. Fantasy and science fiction has been a wonderful preparation for the shamanic journey, and the entry into a new quantum reality. As I threw myself into deep journeying through trance, breathwork, bodywork, dance and sound, I found it easier to let go of accepted norms and to allow myself to surrender to strange spiritual dimensions.
It has been a wonderful time of learning and my background as an actor has also come in quite handy, in fact I participated in the creation of theatrical shows some years back in Sydney that were very much transformational theatre. As I have mentioned before, being witnessed is a very powerful tool, and can be a deeply profound experience for both the watcher and the watched.
I was a life model for drawing classes for a couple of years and when you are being looked at with full attention like that you can literally ‘feel’ the energy of that strong focus. It actually feels very erotic but it has nothing to do with the fact that you are naked, nothing kinky going on here I promise. But you are connecting with life force energy, which is sexual energy, it is the most natural thing in the world but unfortunately it is an impulse that has been suppressed by the dominant culture.
I’m not advocating orgies here, but I do think that it is high time we moved beyond adolescent fantasies and an obsession with youth when it comes to sexuality. Being yourself is sexy enough and vibrant health on every level of your being the ultimate aphrodisiac!
Mmmm……. as I look at this picture of Buffy I am thinking about my comments on adolescent fantasies, am I a hypocrite???? Awwwww give me a break, we are all allowed a bit of harmless frivolity, the true challenge is to make the changes in the lives we are actually living. I will keep you posted on my progress!