Tag Archives: self-esteem

I’m Your Fan Rainbow Man!

Rainbow Gnome.This week I’d like to talk about being a muse, also known as a director and general giver of good feedback as my Beloved embarks on a career of writing and performing poetry. As a theatre person from way back I find that I seem to have lots of great ideas about how the fabulous rainbow gnome can tweak and refine the intricate weaving of words that are positively tumbling out of his inspired creativity. And yes I am biased but I’m not the only fan, there are some who have already paid for a copy of the inaugural spoken word album that will be out very soon in the new year. I am encouraging my sweetheart to do whatever he can to make a business out of this enterprise. It does my heart good to see him poring over the words in a space of delight and focus, and if it could be a part of our income as well we would both be over the moon.

brendan-rainbow-celebrity

A celebrity style photo of my Beloved if ever I saw one!

There are so many ways forward on this path, performances, albums, books and online resources, who knows my darling may even end up doing workshops for kids. Personally I don’t mind as long as I can have fun playing director, a role that always used to scare me a bit when I was an acting student. In those days at the beginning of my twenties I would struggle to think of feedback and often got very anxious if I had to do that for someone. Now my ideas emerge quite organically and it’s an enjoyable and effective process that is just one of the many activities that we love doing together. It helps that I’ve had three years of intimate contact with my Beloved so that I know him very well but it’s also because of the enormous shift that’s happened inside me.

wild woman
When you have low self-esteem if can sometimes be hard to even come up with what your needs or desires are, people ask you what you want and you really don’t have any idea. The path of re-building my confidence happened over a thirty year period and included many different methods of deep healing. In this process I gradually shed all the stuff that was in the way of me experiencing myself as a valuable and worthwhile person in the world. What has emerged is a quiet confidence that doesn’t need to ‘achieve’ anything in order to be happy and content in life. I’m focused on my sacred union and the pleasure that comes from that particular delight and upon all the other myriad blessings that my life abounds with. So when I simply sit and read my favourite faerie book the slight nagging sense that I should be doing something more worthwhile is gone and I am so much more relaxed than I used to be. Relaxed and reading
Of course I still get triggered by various situations and people on occasion, I’m improved but not perfect which is great as it provides numerous opportunities for learning. But when you are relaxed and comfortable being who you are it is much easier to draw upon your inner resources of creativity. And playing with the ideas as they dance up into the realms of possibility is something I want to do as much as I can. So bring on my Beloved’s wonderful words and the inspiration that they usher into being! And as soon as the album is ready I will let the world know.

brendan-poets-breakfast-kenilworth

This is my Beloved strutting his stuff at the Kenilworth Poets Breakfast last year.

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Yearning Is The Key To Love.

consciouslove“Your yearning for love is so powerful that I can feel your heart all the time. When you openly love me I can feel your heart, but I can also feel your heart’s yearning when you are angry or sad. To me your heart is always calling even though sometimes I am unable to open with you because your emotions divert me. I may be afraid or distracted and you may be upset, but  still I feel your heart’s yearning. And I need to feel your heart. Your yearning draws me back into love’s depth.  Your yearning is my invitation into your heart.”

Dear Lover, David Deida, Sounds True, Boulder CO, 2005, p 11.

I think I am beginning to truly understand the power that a woman has in love-making when she stays in her heart and radiates lots of yummy energy. And actually it isn’t just when you are connecting with each other sexually that this process can be happening, just as David Deida says in the above quote, your man needs to feel your heart. Be in that place all the time, when you are washing dishes or taking out the rubbish, if times are tough you will navigate them better when you stay in your heart.

Heart-Light

“Deep heart yearning is not a problem to be solved, but a divine pull to open as devotional surrender, as wide as all, now. With or without a man, whether or not you feel worthy, you can offer your heart’s openness  through your yearning, right now, as you are.”

David Deida, p 12.

For me this quote sums up in many ways my entire spiritual path, particularly since I embarked on shamanic techniques, ceremony, sound, dance, psychedelics, bodywork and breath work, for the last 13 years. For ten years I took myself on many journeys that all ultimately led to the same place, my own heart, loving myself. In my wonderful home I have re-built the last part of my self-esteem and let go of much of my old patterning in relationship.

heartchakravenus

Now I am doing it with my man and while the new beginning, the dawning chapter of my opening is a little daunting at times, still we navigate it with good communication and a lot of love. My breasts and in particular the nipples are doorways to expand the heart that open up the channels so that sexual energy can flow, this feels good and can enhance your well-being at any time of the day or night! There are many resources out there my sisters and loving men if you want to find out more about this phenomenon, Diana Richardson’s  Tantric Orgasm for women is a wonderful book that talks about this.

But the best research is experiential so go to it my friends, for men on their own the recipe may vary but there is great information out there for all beings wanting to fully express their life energy in the world. Don’t settle for anything less, the path may seem a bit rocky at times but always worth it and never boring, the further I go along the path of the heart the more it becomes an ecstatic journey anyway.

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Until further notice celebrate everything! From Saint Germain through Azena Ramada.

Let The Feelings Flow.

As the cold deepens, the energy of the dark womb draws us within, Demeter is mourning for her daughter and her grief is cold as ice, as cold as the underworld where Persephone has gone. The emptiness contains all that we have pushed aside in busier and brighter times, when distractions are easy to come by, and the shadow merely an interesting shape created by the sun’s rays. But now the trees are bare, and though the sun still shines from deep blue skies,  the pull comes from within, our shadow clamouring for our attention.

Surrender to that call, let go into the stillness that you will find as you descend into your own private version of the underworld. What is it that you cannot own or accept as a part of who you be, what aspects of self have you demonised or judged as being unworthy. That which remains unacknowledged can never be transformed or set free, so let yourself be………….all of who you are, this is the key.

We all of us have parts of ourselves that we don’t like very much, if you try to ignore this truth, if you push it down into the deepest part of your being, it will become even more powerful. It will control you from a place that you may not easily be able to access, the longer this goes on the more layers will gather and the harder it becomes to identify and therefore release. Here is a piece I wrote about how I did this very thing with the guilt I felt over my father’s death when I was 15:

My guilt was a mountain the size of Everest and I buried it as deeply as that mountain is tall.

The guilt festered away in the dungeon of my soul and within a brief few years it had eaten away it all, my self-esteem, my sense of worth, my love of self was gone.

It was in the midst of terrible storms on Australia Day that I realised that I had at last rebuilt my self-esteem, 33 years after burying that which I could not face or acknowledge to myself. To read more about that check out my post “Rebirth” on January 30 2013.

Rebirth

This one act of mine shaped my entire life, I cannot regret it for it has brought me to where I am, but I offer my experience as a lesson hard learned. No matter how painful it may be, allow your  feelings to move through you, express them in the moment and let them go, just keep doing that until you are clear, as long as it takes…………..

Shanti, shanti, shanti…………peace, peace, peace…………

Sexy Scorpio Does Flamenco.

From the shadow into the light! Dancing in the connections of loving frequencies I move on my own feet, in my own power, gliding across the ocean of love………… Life is a dance, between microcosm and macrocosm, atoms whirling through enormous space, nothing much is solid actually. What you can really rely on, is trust, trust and the path of the heart, the space of non judgement, the pathway of quiet fullness. Showing off allowed if it comes from the heart and gets my being singing with joy, particularly when flamenco dancing!

Red Flamenco Shoes.

Red Flamenco Shoes.

Olivia Baile.

Olivia Baile.

Flamenco-shoes

I am loving my flamenco classes more and more, so glad I gave it a go, almost didn’t, great teacher helps. As you can probably tell from my choice of pictures, I particularly like the flamenco shoes, bought my first pair, Salvios, on eBay, Goddess I love those shoes. The heels take a little getting used to, but its all worth it as you start to be able to let go of the technique, and begin to really enjoy the dance. Flamenco is all about attitude and showing off, but to get to a stage of being able to actually do a performance, you need to develop a set of skills that are well and truly worth showing off.

It’s good for my shoulders, a vulnerable place for me since my initiation in the Blue Mountains in 2008, if you would like to read that story check out four posts beginning with “The Birth Canal” on March 8 2013 and ending with “The Healing” on March 11 2013. All that fabulous shoulder movement in flamenco, almost seemed like a strain at first, but the more I do the stronger they get, that and the push ups I do most days. It’s also a wonderful arena to explore the realms of confidence and high self-esteem, and to channel sexual energy, mmmmmmm the dance moves do feel sexy………..

They say if you have Scorpio in your chart you think about sex a lot, my Scorpio moon is obviously letting loose with its influence, its having its way with my body and soul, a double helping please!

Manifesting Miracles.

I toned, I prayed, the teeth are still here this morning but they feel very strange and are sticking out ever so slightly, I guess you could say the miracle is that they haven’t simply fallen straight out! So I can go to my yoga class and smile at everybody, but after that it’s off to the dentist which is a two-minute walk away, and then it’s miracle time, can they stick this dodgy bridge back in for the third time? If they can’t can I go on with my life with a gap of three teeth at the front of my mouth while I organise (horror of horrors) dentures!!

My appointment is later this afternoon, with a different dentist to the lovely woman I usually see, I am trusting that this is spirit’s way of taking care of me, perhaps he will be better at this particular task. It feels like there are two people in my body at the moment, one feels sick to the stomach, while the other is full of trust and knows that this is perfect timing and that everything will work out to perfection. She who is positive is much stronger in me after the rise in my self-esteem, and she becomes stronger still as I focus on her.

What a grand opportunity to use my spiritual tools to navigate the situation, this writing certainly helps, the fact that it’s being witnessed makes it even more powerful. Once I have finished this post I will meditate and bring to life the reality that I choose to manifest, the dentist will show consummate skills and manage to put the bridge back in. I need to include as many of my senses as possible, the real challenge will be shifting the part of me that is scared, but  I will be kind to her, perhaps that will help her with the fear.

My perfect teeth!

My perfect teeth!

So wish me luck friends, I go into unknown waters with a chart that I hope will help me to navigate into safe harbour…………..may all the Gods and Goddesses be with me as I go.

The Days of Wine and Chocolate.

Do you remember that expression, stop the world I want to get off? That was my day not long ago, things cancelled at the last minute, friends forgetting appointments, usually I can move with the flow whatever it does, but on this particular day I got all out of kilter.

Oh yes, if you are following my posts you can probably guess, more stuff coming up, it never rains but it pours, and this time I’m not referring to the weather! This time it was simply energy moving and feelings moving with the energy, it felt like loss, abandonment, hopelessness, all the feelings you would prefer to do without. I watched Buffy, ate a small packet of organic potato chips with sea salt and one very small regular caramel chocolate, and had a bit of red wine.

When I think about the days of litres of wine, mountains of chocolate, iced donuts and pastries full of custard, I can really see how much progress I’ve made. That little bit of naughtiness helped me through a rough patch without stressing my body too badly, and it certainly didn’t suppress the release that eventually came.

Chocolate donuts

I do try to be good about what I put in my body when it comes to food, but sometimes you have to allow a little flexibility. A little bit of what you like does you no harm if most of the time you’re supporting your physical self in the way that works best for you. And guilt is not a useful path to follow, it was guilt over my father’s suicide that destroyed my self-esteem when I was in my late teens. Thirty years later I have at last rebuilt that aspect of self, I don’t do guilt anymore, instead I do my best to be compassionate to myself.

It always seems to come back to love, the big love, the one that holds everything together and connects all living things. By the end of that day I had found peace in myself, my heart felt soft, and I knew that I had let go once again of parts of me that were no longer serving my higher purpose.

The last couple of months have been huge for me, the biggest shifts I have experienced in quite a while, I don’t think it’s an accident that this is coinciding with the end of 2012 and the start of 2013. There are big changes happening everywhere, not always in places we can see with the human eye, but creating a wave of change that everyone can’t help but be affected by, whether they can sense it or not.

Bring it on I say, the current reality isn’t working and the change is well overdue!

chocolateredwine

Rebirth.

I’ve been asked a couple of times what I mean when I talk about processing stuff and releasing it out of the body. Stuff seems like a terribly vague description, yet its hard to find another word that sums it up as well. There are so many elements involved when shifts are occurring, it’s feelings, physical sensations, thoughts, movement of energy, somehow stuff just seems to cover all possibilities.

For me I often notice a sensation of dis-ease in my belly, if there is a lot going on it can affect my appetite so I’m not very hungry. In the lead up to my big release last saturday, I ate out at the film society and they had one of my favourite deserts, lemon tart, but I had absolutely no desire for it, couldn’t even finish my main meal.

When I left the rain was pouring and the wind was howling, and I began to feel a sense of emptiness and deep sadness even as I drove away. By the time I got home the sadness was really strong and I sat to write for a time, I let words just come, I reflected on my afternoon and evening, nothing seemed to fit for what I was feeling.

Finally I went to bed and lay there not able to sleep as the feelings continued to move and my mind wandered. At one point I remembered something I had said to my friend about the decimation of my self-esteem, from the age of 16 to about 18, and how I felt that I had only rebuilt the last of it in the last year and a half, here in my new home. In that moment everything came together and I thought of taking 30 years to come back to myself, and I wept as I released all the feelings and sensations that had been swirling around inside me.

It felt HUGE and the next day I felt AMAZING, mum came to visit and noted how clear I was looking, after she’d gone I looked in the mirror and it was like a new person looking back at me. Who is this gorgeous woman I said to myself as I gazed upon this incredible sight, the clarity in my face was extraordinary!

Whatever we have experienced and not fully expressed, gets crystalised in the cells of the body. You can understand past events with your mind but at the end of the day, it will be the trauma held in your cellular memory that is actually running you. It’s an ongoing process, I had another big release the next night and even now I can feel dis-ease in my belly.

I have the intention to heal everything in this lifetime, so I really can’t complain when things keep coming up. Slowly but surely my life gets better and better, my capacity for experiencing happiness and joy continues to expand, and at last I can truly say to myself, I love you Kerry, you are perfect exactly as you are in this moment, and mean every word.

Rebirth