As I think I have mentioned before, my favourite definition of insanity is when you keep doing things the same way and expecting different outcomes. Considering the big changes I’ve been making in my life you might think I’m an unlikely candidate for this particular definition, and for the most part you would be correct!
So why is it that on three separate occasions, over four days, I’ve eaten something ‘naughty’ and then spent time feeling either low in energy, nauseous, or both of the above. Here I am ‘Miss Purity 2013’ and it can still happen, in fact the purer you become the less you can get away with. The trick is to choose my poisons carefully, hot cross buns with some kind of questionable butter imitation is going on to the list with a skull and cross-bones as the header. The fact that it’s there at work tempting she who may not partake of grains without consequence, is no excuse.
Ok, so I’m breaking another of my rules for proper conduct in a healthy life, I’m committing the cardinal sin of self-flagellation. There was a time when the literal version was considered to be a valid pathway to a deeper communion with God, only the most diehard, closet masochist priest, would still be heading in that particular direction.
But in this crazy world anything is possible, and I guess self-flagellation, whipping or being whipped, is very much a part of the S and M culture. I don’t imagine many of the participants seeing it as a direct line to God, but it would seem that it may be an unlikely doorway to experiencing a full body energetic orgasm. I’d never really thought about it until I read an article by Janet Hardy called ‘My tantric “awakening” turned me off sex.’ S and M activities do, it seems, take one into an altered state of consciousness, makes sense really considering the extreme nature of these pleasures. So if someone who has spent a lot of time in that reality is then introduced to tantric practices the result can be, in a word, explosive!
From joy and bursting life to an emptiness that is full of pain, as old beliefs fall away the light will always show us what we no longer need, and the letting go can feel like a loss too great to be borne. That void is the place of destruction and of creation, it can drive us to the manifestation of our brightest dreams, or our worst nightmares. It’s important not to try to fill it with anything at all, sit with it and feel the feelings, notice the thoughts and bodily sensations.
What I really would like to do is try out the energy masturbation that Nathan Martin demonstrated and perhaps I will before bed time. Feels like I will need a good bit of time available to do the full energy orgasm including setting the scene by creating a beautiful sacred space. The other practice seems like something I can do here and there as I have bits of time, and is a good way to prepare for the full body orgasm.
Orgasms, sex, anyone would think I was trying to sell something! But isn’t it a subject that most people are thinking about most of the time? Especially because we aren’t allowed to flow and be our natural sexual selves, people who are sexually liberated can think for themselves and we can’t have that can we! So if I’m going to truly come into my power (no pun intended!), then I have to keep focusing on sexual energy, keep shedding the armour that has kept me separate from that vital force.
“Osho Speaks on Sex:
There are methods that can start the energy moving upwards, and in the East, for at least ten thousand years, there has developed a special science, Tantra. There is no parallel in the West of such a science. For ten thousand years people have experimented with how sexual energy can become your spirituality, how your sexuality can become your spirituality. It is proved beyond doubt-thousands of people have gone through the transformation. Tantra seems to be the science that is, sooner or later, going to be accepted in the whole world, because people are suffering from all kinds of perversions. That’s why they go on talking about sex as if that is my work, as if twenty-four hours a day I am talking about sex. Their repressed sexuality is the problem. My whole effort has been how to make your sex a natural, accepted phenomenon, so there is no repression-and then you don’t need any pornography, so that there is no repression-and then you don’t dream of sex. Then the energy can be transformed.”
Sex Matters: From Sex to Superconsciousness, (Osho), in Tantric Orgasm for Women, ( Diana Richardson), Destiny Books, 2004, p 5 & 6.
After the toning circle when we were having nibbles and cups of tea, I began to feel light-headed and a bit nauseous and had to sit down. I hadn’t had any lunch but there was nothing in the food to cause a reaction like that, so I figured I needed to get home and sit with whatever was coming up. So I sat with it for an hour, and felt the nausea in my belly move up until it was a pain in my head that eventually moved out completely.
It wasn’t until I began to write that I began to understand what I had been letting go of, it was abandonment and loss, loss of self and of my father, loss of purpose, of love, the death of all things. And the pain of my sexuality trying to blossom in the midst of confusion and despair. This has been a big theme for me in much of the shifting that I’ve been doing, but for now I think it’s more about cleaning up after myself and integrating. I’m not saying I’ve healed it all but there was a wholesale clearing that happened when I had my second breath session two weeks ago.
It was a holotropic breath session which means loud music and pretty much anything goes as long as nobody gets hurt! Early in the session I felt like I couldn’t breathe and eventually ended up crouched on my hands and knees feeling intense fear as my therapist used a pillow to give me the sense of compression. She felt it was a birth experience and she was right, my birth was extremely traumatic, there was a lot of anger in there too. I was making very loud sounds, and at one point there was an incredible harmonic that rang through my head, which felt like it was huge, my entire being resonated with the frequency. I don’t yet know the significance of that sound but I know it’s important.
Our birth is really our first sexual experience, and mine reflected what I was bringing in for my healing in this incarnation. I would love to think the job was complete but at the very least a big layer has shifted, and I find myself becoming more and more confident. There are times when the energy is moving so strongly it’s like a big power surge, it’s exciting and at times frustrating, but I am never bored!
Shiva and Shakti.
Oh Shiva and Shakti, may I channel your amazing life force in the best possible way for me and for all life everywhere.
Shiva and Shakti.
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Tagged abandonment, birth, death, frequency, harmonic, healing, holotropic breath, integration, loss, sex, toning