This strange feeling in my uneasy belly as cravings rush to quench the fear of I know not what. So I follow the urge and I’m very precise in my choices. Then I consume slowly being as mindful as I can be, accepting that my thoughts will wander at times. Being grateful for the fact that I do come back to the fullest perception that I can manage of the moment I am in . Consuming a lot less and feeling a certain level of satisfaction as well as a recognition that as a strategy this isn’t really good for long-term alignment. But I’m not beating myself up, simply observing what is going on in my inner realm. As deeply and openly and honestly as I am able to be.
And then I danced and wrote, and wrote and danced, I moved………….and energies moved in me. Surrendering to what is true in this moment and being with that sense, whatever it may be. We are spirits having the material experience of being in a body on Mother Earth.
Dance yourself open, move into the softness of surrender and taste freedom from care. Let it all go……..whatever you may be carrying that feels too heav for you to hold. Feel into where your body is speaking to you through stiffness and pain, give it your full awareness and allow your body to respond. If you let it, it will find a way to move that brings your sore bits back into some flow. It may be quite subtle but if you bring to it the power of awareness it is unmistakable.
Might have to dance a bit more, Vas is playing and my body wants to move to those lush melodies and the voice hasn’t even come in yet! Talk to you next week my dancing friends, namaste.
Purification by fire was my experience yesterday as I sat in the New Moon Women’s Sweat Lodge. I was on day 5 of my moon time which means that my body temperature was already higher than usual, so being in the lodge on a sunny morning meant extreme heat. Probably sounds horrible but going through an ordeal within a sacred framework can be enormously helpful in terms of spiritual growth and development. I got lots of confirmation that my recent choices in speaking up for myself and standing my ground were appropriate responses to the situations I found myself in. In fact I was told that Spirit had organised to eject me from a place of limitation that was no longer supporting my growth into a larger self.
I generally am very stubborn about sticking things out however uncomfortable they may be but on this occasion I had to leave the sweat before the end. I was just too hot and probably on the verge of making myself sick so it was actually a case of being compassionate to myself. And it carried its own message, being stubborn can be a useful quality but only if I choose the right things to be stubborn about. As I lay in the shade outside the lodge an aboriginal woman squatted down in front of me and took my hands. I realised that she was a giant and she said she came from the Dreamtime and was one of the first ones. We spoke of many things at the same time that I was aware of the other women inside the lodge. The aboriginal woman told me that I never really left the lodge and that she had come to help hold me in that sacred space.
I felt that I had left behind a whole lot of things that I no longer needed in that purifying space of heat and fire. It can be a bit like being reborn and probably even more so when it is aligned with the new moon. The new moon was in Libra so it was all about things(especially relationships) being in balance and equitable, extremely pertinent to the issues I have been facing in the last few weeks. Check out my last couple of posts if you don’t know what I’m talking about. So I had a productive day today finally getting on to tasks that will greatly assist in creating the abundant new life that my Beloved and I are determined to make into a reality.
There will continue to be good days and bad days I am sure in this shifting constant sea of change that we are all swimming in. But I have taken the next step in becoming more of who I am and that feels like an enormous achievement!
I don’t remember ever being sick for two whole weeks in my entire life to this point! It is debilitating, frustrating and when you are depending on picking up casual work in order to make a decent kind of income it’s stressful too! Yet again my Guru, or Spirit, is giving me the opportunity to fully embrace the notion of trust. How wonderful!
The things I was lamenting as undone in my last grumpy post remain undone. And yet it is still possible at times to be sufficiently focused and bloody minded to achieve some things. Putting a playlist together for our next dance this Sunday did not require physical effort so I chose to focus on that yesterday. I felt horrible and completely uninspired but I just plugged away and in the end I created a playlist I can be proud of. It also removed some of the stress that has been lurking around all the things that my Beloved and I are behind on with this long sickness.
Sometimes it is a bit like that saying they have in Alcoholics Anonymous:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
If the word God disturbs you then feel free to substitute it for whatever word you like to use to describe a higher power in your life. It is a moving feast too, something that seems impossible for me to change today may suddenly become a completely different kettle of fish tomorrow. But if you are doing what you can in the moment there is a level of satisfaction even when you are still swimming in a sea of frustration.
Having said all that I must confess to feeling a bit grumpy about this flu dragging on and on. I am feeling better than I was but still not completely recovered, the fuel tanks are empty and I feel quite exhausted. So I will continue to do my best to surrender to this whole sorry mess and to trust that Spirit and I know what we are doing.
Apologies for anyone whose been keeping track and who noticed the absence of a post last Friday, it has finally brought me to a decision that I have thinking about for some time. I love this blog and will continue to write posts but it will be just two a week instead of three and it seems to be the Fridays that I struggle with so you can expect to hear from me on Wednesdays and Sundays from now on. My life has become very full and spending quality time with my Beloved is super important as well as developing our ecstatic dance events and other workshops. Not to mention the various ways that I earn money to survive on this physical plane, it all needs to happen and for myself I would prefer it to be blissful as opposed to getting stressed out.
And if you are clear about what you need in your life it is so much easier for spirit to bring it to you. As Terence McKenna said in the video in my last post, The Courage To Live Life To The Full, when Muhammad couldn’t go to the mountain it came to him. So why not try being playful with the possibilities that stand before you whatever they may be, and just check that you are not placing limitations on who you can be. Who you think you are is just that, a thought, and thoughts can be changed in the blink of an eye! Or it may take a tad longer but there is no reason why you can’t have fun along the way, and when you are being challenged in your process remember that these obstacles will often end up being your greatest teachers.
The light at the end of the tunnel!
I bless the darkness that has been a part of my learning, there were times I didn’t think I could make it through that much pain. But I did, and the more often that happens the more confident you become when fresh challenges arise. If I have a moment of thinking that it’s all too much and I will never cope, I remind myself that I’ve been in that space before and found my way out, it’s very reassuring.
Love the darkness, love the light, and as my friend Michael Laughing Wolf always says, “Love self………..do next thing.”
Talk to you again on Wednesday, blissings and love to all beings everywhere!
Here is a post that I wrote on December 4 last year, I was scrolling back through when this one caught my eye and at the risk of being a bit mushy, I smiled at what I wrote just days after my Beloved and I came together for the first time. So here it is from the perspective of almost eight months later and it keeps getting better and that kundalini energy is still surging with plenty of zest! Looking forward to seeing my darling tomorrow night after four days apart!
Energy rises through the column of space and time that is me in this particular place known as planet Earth, it coils with sensuous grace as my kundalini bursts forth, the final shackles thrown away as I dance out of prison into the light. Luscious thoughts snaking through a mind that cannot seem to hold on to a worry or a doubt, letting the fresh breeze of my new beginning blow away anything that will not serve in this Golden New Age of love and prosperity.
Heart opens and opens, sending a delicious thrill to the nipples who are singing a song of creativity and flow, of surrender to the force of life and a spiral upwards into the pure space of inspiration. Tender distraction tugs at a mind doing its best to stay focused on the everyday, luring my thoughts into memory of touch and sound, of vibrating cells and a magical time out of time, a place you never really want to leave. So the trick then is to somehow stay there even as life pulls you into its stream, bringing with you the sense of joy and discovery, of playfulness and love.
Time to merge everything into the wholeness that is where it all began, a circle that circles within a circle, drawing our spirits into the centre of the heart, the place where transformation is a daily event. That fire will purify even the darkest of thoughts and actions and give wings to the angels who have lost their way, halos knocked askew as they go searching for the meaning to an ever-changing life. Fly with good intention and the winds of desire will always lift you up into a place where you will see the whole shebang from the perspective of an eagle, with clarity too.
The notion of conservation is not a new one, in Japan there has been a tradition of not wasting resources known as ‘mottainai’ which has become the catch cry for a campaign in Japan to reduce waste. Wangari Maathai, Nobel Peace Prize Winner, environmentalist, activist and parliamentarian, has brought this concept to the rest of the world. We need to become more responsive to our environment and prepared to dive deeper into our inner resources if the world is to continue with humans upon it.
In order to do this it is helpful to do with less, doesn’t mean you can’t be comfortable materially but you put thought into using your resources as efficiently as you can. I have become accustomed now to having some kind of compost operating wherever I go, that and recycling mean that I often only create one small bag of rubbish for the week, and that is often the case even with two of us! This is a relatively recent change for me, in the last five years, now it seems like the norm to me, all the house sits I do have some kind of arrangement to compost and pretty much everyone recycles these days.
This is all really important stuff but it’s important to remember the implications of mottainai when considering what you want to be doing in the world, what is your purpose and how you can bring your particular gifts into expression. Being inspired and passionate about things and then not following through is almost a bit arrogant to be honest even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time. Who am I to refuse the flow of spirit through me? The more of us who step into our larger selves and recognise the interconnectedness of all things, the more the world can be tipped towards massive change for the better.
Here is a song that I’m learning with my choir at the moment called “Mottainai”, the words have been going round and round in my head as I sit in front of the fire and has produced this bit of reflection on my part, I hope you enjoy!
Feeling a little hemmed in where I am at my market today and wondering what this is symbolising for me at the moment. Perhaps it is time to move on from this wonderful warm space where I find part of my family or tribe, I have a sense of belonging and connection and it is this that keeps bringing me here. It’s a beautiful energy exchange but there is another path unfolding, as my Beloved and I settle into a life together we will have times apart to do stuff and mine may be to look at the earning online as a writer idea that’s been kicking around for a while now!
But just for today I am going to relax into the space of my moon time, as I sit here writing I can feel the deep earthing energy drawing me deep within myself. Anyone who does have a reading from me today will get a particularly good one, feeling very open as a channel for spirit today. Then back to my bush sanctuary where I feel the spirit of the land very keenly, it’s different to the fairy cottage I looked after almost a year ago, but there is still a deep, rather subtle connection going on.
Came home to my retreat to find the power off and so couldn’t do much, not even a cuppa, sat with my Beloved and watched the peaceful water of the pond. Letting go into the depths of the mother I did a reading for my love and that flowed as easily as the readings I did at market earlier on.
Spiraling down into the swirling depths and layers of the feminine, the unconscious, the unknown………….the mystery.
I’m feeling very grounded in the ordinary everyday aspects of living, there is something very satisfying in cleaning and creating beauty and order in the space that one inhabits. Of course it helps if you live in paradise, many people in the world don’t have safe and secure places to live in, I dream of a world where no-one is hungry and everybody is safe and able to consider what they may desire beyond fulfilling basic needs.
So much of human ingenuity and creativity is spent just making ends meet, reflecting on the soul’s needs is something that most people simply don’t find the time for. And yet it is this very process that is required for transformation to occur, without a shift in consciousness there will be no change and Gaia will shake us off like a dog shedding water after its bath.
“…….care of the soul is…….not primarily a method of problem solving. Its goal is not to make life problem-free, but to give ordinary life the depth and value that come with soulfulness. ……..it has to do with cultivating a richly expressive and meaningful life at home and in society. It is also a challenge because it requires imagination from each of us. In therapy we lay our problems at the feet of a professional who is supposedly trained to solve them for us. In care of the soul we ourselves have both the task and the pleasure of organizing and shaping our lives for the good of the soul.”
Care Of The Soul, Thomas Moore, p4.
It is a challenge that may seem overwhelming to those who actually contemplate it and it certainly isn’t easy, but it is the only path that will truly satisfy the deepest parts of who we are. And when we are shaping our lives from a place of soulfulness we will probably find that a lot of the ‘things’ that we thought were so important, are not necessary at all.
Well there’s good news and bad, whatever was in my neck has definitely gone, but my bladder is flaring up again. The medicine circle was beautiful as always and I received the understanding that I had shifted something in my body and that it was gone. I also got the message that I need to move my body more often in dance as well as yoga. Messages from spirit often tell us things we already know, gentle reminders of the treasure of knowledge that we carry within ourselves.
I asked for physical healing in my circle and so I am wondering where the bladder fits into this picture. I recently cleared a layer of very dark stuff which I thought the bladder infection was a physical manifestation of but here it is again bringing my attention to something that needs healing. So either it’s something new or I am meeting a deeper layer of the same energies.
I can feel resistance to looking at what this is about and as I sit here I can feel anger in the burning down below, there is a part of me that just wants everything to be fine without having to look at anything. This resistance seems to be manifesting through my computer which is behaving in the strangest fashion, the keyboard has gone mad and I wasn’t able to write my post much less fix the problem. I am writing this on another computer and really struggling to make myself keep going, like a part of me wants to give up.
There is an aspect of me that doesn’t want to be here which I’ve worked with before this, maybe I am meeting a deeper layer of it. Whatever the answer may be I will have to explore it in future posts, I can only keep up this much coherence for a limited time. With any luck I will be able to soon report some clarity on this issue, until then I shall sail the sea of confusion, trusting that the energetic currents will take me where I need to go.
And herbs for the infection without a doubt, this is one of those times when I need to take care of the physical directly as well as find the place from which this issue has come. I asked for physical healing, this dis-ease may well be a part of that process………….be careful what you ask for…….the Gods may just give it to you!
Well here I am on the ‘other’ side and I came through in a gentle fashion, I must confess to being somewhat relieved. I can’t tell you what I let go of or even exactly what information came through, I think that we sometimes receive downloads from spirit that only come into our conscious awareness when we need that particular knowledge. So I went deep and came out feeling peaceful and calm and with an enormous sense of gratitude for my extraordinary life. To share sacred circle space with your Beloved is the most exquisite joy and something I’ve been yearning for, it was certainly on my wish list when I used to think about the kind of relationship I wanted in my life.
After the ceremony the terror did return but I was not so attached to it this time and so it was much easier to ride the edge and to allow the energy to be released. As I sit here writing I can feel a trembling in the cells of my body that is the shift which is flowing out of the letting go of tension and fear. I will do the psychotherapy session that I have planned and I will continue to be with my Beloved in those deep places where we open to the Divine together. And I will continue to listen to my inner voice in order to know how to support the physical side of this affair, if I am truly honest there is always a part of me that knows the right course of action. And more and more I do actually follow the guidance of this inner wisdom that we all have access to. And if I don’t sometimes I promise faithfully not to give myself a hard time for it, it only makes matters worse!
So the journey continues and as I let go of self-loathing and terror I open the path for positive energies to flow freely in my life, as my good friend Michael Laughing Wolf always says, “Love self, do next thing”.