Emptiness can be very full, a blank canvas stretching out within the core of the soul’s journey that can seem terribly bleak if your view of the world tells you that you must always ‘know’ and understand every little thing. But if you are prepared to be a child again and get excited about the unknown then that clear space of nothing is full of raw potential that is simply waiting for your focus to become something wonderful!
I have been feeling a bit anxious about various aspects of my life even as I revel in my deeply satisfying relationship, old habits die hard they say and the mind tends to go looking for justification for its sometimes rather strange notions. I sat in a medicine circle not so long ago and one of the messages coming through loud and clear was that I am living an amazing and ecstatic life right here and now.
And it isn’t hard to see life that way if I am prepared to truly go out on a limb and ignore all the messages from the everyday world that say you have to be in a regular job and fit in to society’s way of thinking. I don’t work nine to five and instead of renting or living in my own home I do house sitting, it means I can live in places that my current income would never be able to support. In the modern world status is gathered by the material things we accumulate, if you were to judge me by those standards then you’d have to say that I am an utter, utter failure.
Luckily I don’t see it that way, and when my mind encounters early programming that tells me I’m not good enough it doesn’t take too long to realise what’s going on. So much of what we’ve been told about the world is based on narrow views of reality that leave out all the best bits, like spirituality and love, community and compassion. Time to do what Terence McKenna recommends and to “tell society to fuck off!”
As human beings on the planet we all have masculine and feminine energy within us, in the last post I talked about shakti and how tuning in can open us to our natural orgasmic nature. This is available for everyone, men and women, my Beloved has been exploring his shakti and it is a fascinating journey for both of us. My issues have been very much with the masculine and I am learning to let go of the memories and to sometimes step into that energy which is beautiful when it is in right relation to everything else.
So much of what has been seen as a part of the devil is simply a culture gone completely out of whack, where sexuality is frowned upon and even forbidden sometimes. Osho speaks about how the science of tantra has developed in the east and that your:
“sexual energy can become your spirituality……….. It is proved beyond doubt-thousands of people have gone through the transformation. Tantra seems to be the science that is, sooner or later, going to be accepted in the whole world, because people are suffering from all kinds of perversions…………repressed sexuality is the problem. My whole effort has been how to make your sex a natural, accepted phenomenon so there is no repression-and then you don’t need any pornography, so that there is no repression-and then you don’t dream of sex. Then the energy can be transformed.”
Osho, Sex Matters: From Sex To Superconsciousness, in Diana Richardson, Tantric Orgasm For Women.
Shiva and Shakti.
I have been letting go of some energies that didn’t feel very nice as they moved through me, some is from this life and some from past lives, who knows maybe I am tuning in to the experience of women over the centuries. Perhaps as I transform this darkness I am doing not only myself a great service, but maybe the whole of existence. It certainly feels lighter for me on every level of my being as I learn that it doesn’t always have to be painful to be alive, the parts of me that were traumatised are beginning to smile. They feel safe now to be themselves and it will be interesting to see what grows out of this place.
In an attempt to slow myself down a little and get over the latest bug invasion, I find myself watching re-runs of Sex and the City, if you’re looking for something light and airy that skates over the surface of the bigger issues in life then you really can’t go wrong with this show. I managed two episodes and was into the third when suddenly I couldn’t do it anymore, it’s actually very well written and there are some very funny lines, but in the end I reached a point where the complete lack of substance tripped my boredom meter into overdrive.
Sex and the City.
I just hope that nobody has ever used this program to inform themselves about sexuality and relationships, there’s all this conversation about the mechanics of intercourse and whether people should be monogamous or have threesomes. Ok so they do get into subjects like trust from time to time but it’s usually in the context of someone cheating in a relationship, nowhere is there the slightest hint of spirituality and even love is somehow trivialised.
I think of myself as a bit of a novice in the relationship game, and what experience I do have doesn’t give me much to go on, it’s all part of a chapter that is closing and my intention is to do things very differently as I move into this new phase of my life. In order to transform the old into something shiny and new I actually need to focus on myself, becoming whole in the parts of me that are still resistant to all of the great inner work I’ve done over the years.
At the start of my second morning of study earlier in the week, our facilitator said something that has really stuck with me ever since, if you ‘know’ something but aren’t using it in your life then do you really ‘know’ it at all? There isn’t anything in the course I’m doing so far that I haven’t heard before, and I’ve incorporated lots of that information over the years into my life to produce big change. But there are some very basic fundamentals that haven’t really changed much at all and this is very much crunch time for me, all I can do is trust that I am in the right place to find the tools that will help me to break down the final barrier to my fully becoming all that I am.
From joy and bursting life to an emptiness that is full of pain, as old beliefs fall away the light will always show us what we no longer need, and the letting go can feel like a loss too great to be borne. That void is the place of destruction and of creation, it can drive us to the manifestation of our brightest dreams, or our worst nightmares. It’s important not to try to fill it with anything at all, sit with it and feel the feelings, notice the thoughts and bodily sensations.
What I really would like to do is try out the energy masturbation that Nathan Martin demonstrated and perhaps I will before bed time. Feels like I will need a good bit of time available to do the full energy orgasm including setting the scene by creating a beautiful sacred space. The other practice seems like something I can do here and there as I have bits of time, and is a good way to prepare for the full body orgasm.
Orgasms, sex, anyone would think I was trying to sell something! But isn’t it a subject that most people are thinking about most of the time? Especially because we aren’t allowed to flow and be our natural sexual selves, people who are sexually liberated can think for themselves and we can’t have that can we! So if I’m going to truly come into my power (no pun intended!), then I have to keep focusing on sexual energy, keep shedding the armour that has kept me separate from that vital force.
“Osho Speaks on Sex:
There are methods that can start the energy moving upwards, and in the East, for at least ten thousand years, there has developed a special science, Tantra. There is no parallel in the West of such a science. For ten thousand years people have experimented with how sexual energy can become your spirituality, how your sexuality can become your spirituality. It is proved beyond doubt-thousands of people have gone through the transformation. Tantra seems to be the science that is, sooner or later, going to be accepted in the whole world, because people are suffering from all kinds of perversions. That’s why they go on talking about sex as if that is my work, as if twenty-four hours a day I am talking about sex. Their repressed sexuality is the problem. My whole effort has been how to make your sex a natural, accepted phenomenon, so there is no repression-and then you don’t need any pornography, so that there is no repression-and then you don’t dream of sex. Then the energy can be transformed.”
Sex Matters: From Sex to Superconsciousness, (Osho), in Tantric Orgasm for Women, ( Diana Richardson), Destiny Books, 2004, p 5 & 6.