What is the essence of me, who am I really when all is said and done, what do I contribute to the world simply by being that particular flavour of love shaped into form. I think of all the open faces beaming radiance in my direction as I move in and out of the dimensions of living in a rich tapestry of people and places, what are they telling me and am I listening? Does life begin now as I gather myself to fly high with all these lovely supporters ready to cheer me on as I finally take my purpose with both hands and use it to fuel an amazing vehicle whose tanks will never ever run out.
Old doubts and fears try to insinuate themselves into the new chapter opening up, like the darkness that shadows the clouds as they build and build towards the final release of storm and wind and lightning. At last the rain but no, another false alarm as the dry earth becomes a little dryer and the tanks drop a little lower, as I sink into the arms of my body’s wisdom, wishing for my own storm to arrive. Feels like a waiting game with no rules of engagement, the wisdom of the heart says to do nothing in this moment, simply be, taking each moment as it comes.
Another wrenching cough and I surrender, I raise the white flag and I LET GO………….the message is so very clear and I melt into that release, allowing the rising tension to dissipate, to go. If I stayed in this room for the rest of my life and did nothing more, my being would contribute to the evolution of life as we know it, there is absolutely NOTHING to be done.
I AM THAT I AM, I am what I am, I am alive and that is more than enough in this moment!
This has nothing much to do with this post except I’m writing about storms and the song is “Weather With You” from Crowded House, hope you enjoy the song anyway! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ag8XcMG1EX4
I keep thinking of that Split Enz song, ‘Six Months in a Leaky Boat’, I’ve recently had ten days that felt like being in a storm on a boat in the middle of the ocean, there were calm spells but the storm kept coming back, and I felt incredibly battered and bruised by the end of it. The sea of course is representing my emotional state of being, the trigger was very much outside of me and created a swirling vortex of mixed emotions. And finally I began to allow myself to feel anger, I know I always say, “Don’t blame the trigger”, but there’s nothing wrong with righteous anger in response to inappropriate behaviour, as long as you don’t go out and kill someone, however much you would like to!
The trick here is to keep focusing on what is happening for you, express your truth to another if that’s what’s needed, but have no expectation on how it will be received. The most important thing is to speak it, if the person you are communicating with chooses to disregard possible insights that may be there for them, then that’s their business, and really, do you actually want to be in charge of sorting out someone else’s crap? I didn’t think so, well neither do I, so I’m doing my best to let go of the need to be right, and to be at peace with the clarity that is now crystal clear around me, as clear as the night sky in my haven in the bush.
There is a sense of freedom and liberation that is becoming more and more expanded in my being, the grief grows less and less, and I can open into the inner space that has suddenly become available. It’s happening very fast so I guess I was ready to go there, with all the shedding I’ve been doing the inner realms would have to be becoming more streamlined!
Moral of the story, never give up no matter how long and bloody the road, follow your intuition and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. And always be true to yourself, even when it scares the bejesus out of you!
Here is Split Enz singing ‘Six Months in a Leaky Boat’, even more apt then I remembered, when you strike out to explore new territory it can get pretty uncomfortable, but go for it anyway!
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Tagged anger, clarity, emotional, freedom, grief, inner space, intuition, peace, sea, storm, trigger, truth
The deluge of rain began to lash and the wind howled like a werewolf worshiping the full moon. It got worse and worse at the film society where I spent the afternoon and evening and by the time I got home the power was off. It did come back on after about 10 minutes but when I got up in the morning it was off, and my sunday market was cancelled, no power at the hall and too dangerous for people to be out on the roads.
I was on the most amazing high all day sunday and part of the next day, the storm that was ripping through my town was reflecting the huge shift that was happening inside me. More details of that story to follow in future posts, but suffice to say that I have come back to myself, the change in me is huge and my mother reflected it to me when she said, “I feel like I’ve got you back as you once were as a child.”
Last night was another big release, I feel a little worn out today but I know that I am moving in a direction that will support me in doing the spiritual task that I am here to do. When it’s time for the caterpillar to come out of the cocoon there is a struggle, but without that struggle the butterfly’s wings will never develop and it will never be able to fly.
There is more to shed, I can feel it inside me close to the surface, ready to leave me so that my wings can spread out and so I can take flight. This is what the snake that came to me at the Solstice was telling me, that my transformation was almost upon me. I don’t know exactly what any of this will look like, but that it will be full of wonder and joy, of that I am certain.
I’ve broken my perfect record of a post every day but somehow that doesn’t seem to matter very much, the time without the usual distractions has been well spent. This period of being without electrical power has been an opportunity to tap into my personal power and even as I feel tears brimming at the edge of my being, I know that it will be joy that will follow their release.
Power comes from within us, from a source we all have access to no matter our situation, and now that I can truly say to myself, “I love you”, I have power beyond my wildest imaginings.
Butterfly in flight.