Tag Archives: suicide

Life And Death.

There’s been a bit of a theme in my life these past few weeks, and it’s one of the biggies, death, which is the other side of life, and something we don’t really talk about in this culture. Other cultures have whole books devoted to the subject of how to pass from life into death, I’m talking about ‘The Tibetan Book of the Dead’. I’ve never read it but it talks about all the different stages that happen as you go through the dying process, here we tend to deny even the possibility of death until the last-minute, and then get dragged kicking and screaming into something that terrifies us.


Because I felt responsible for my father’s suicide, I’ve created this strange connection between sexuality and death, although I guess it’s not that strange, after all sexual energy is the life force and death is it’s opposite. Sort of like yin and yang, masculine and feminine, the sun and the moon, they complement each other to create a balance, without which life as we know it would not be possible. My sexual flowering seemed to result in my father’s death, not rational, but that’s what has been held inside me for all of these years, and an awful lot of my shedding this past month has been around that issue.

And as often happens it is reflected in a myriad of other ways, I had to bury a chook this morning, not far from the guinea pig’s grave. It was sad, but I didn’t feel responsible for the passing of either of these animals, I know I did my best for them and there is no guilt there for me at all. I take it as a sign that I am making real progress in the process of release, it may not all be cleared, but an awful lot has gone, no wonder it was so painful.

It’s as if the sun has come out after a time of stormy darkness, and the weather has actually reflected this with the stunning day of blue skies and sunshine that I’ve enjoyed today. I found this great film of one of the songs from the musical ‘Hair’, it’s kind of a flash mob version of ‘Let The Sunshine In’, hope you enjoy it as much as I did! Love and radiance to you all………sunny blissings.


Only Women Bleed.

I talked a post or two ago about different cycles of life, the moon cycle being a particularly important one for women. There was a time when I thought my period was a bit of a pain, as a feminist I refused to apologise for the fact that I bled, no hiding my tampon on my way to the loo in a restaurant! But I had no idea of the true power I could be connecting with at that time.

It was somewhere around the middle of the naughties that I began to understand that I was missing something really important, that my moon time could be much more than an inconvenience. As I began to shift my thinking I noticed a change in my bleeding, what had become a lighter flow became richer and a bit heavier. I honoured that time of the month as best I could, it isn’t always easy to follow the natural inclination to go within in this busy world, but you do what you can.

The more that I tune into my body and its processes the more I am able to allow energies to flow through me, and as a woman I feel deep gratitude for the opportunity each month to let go with the flow of my menstrual blood. I have been fortunate that it has rarely been a painful experience, I remember a time in 2007 when I had a couple of very painful periods, and when I tuned into my body I understood that I was releasing some particularly difficult stuff. I was studying counselling at the time and had a lot of challenging material coming up in relation to grief and loss and my father’s suicide.

As I become more sensitive to my beingness, I tend to notice an increase in sensitivity leading up to my moon flow. I’m not talking about over sensitivity, it is more like a heightening of the senses, I get very horny and I most definitely don’t have a problem with that aspect! As I write this, I am feeling that heightening of the senses combined with the fullness that has come with my shift into a healthy sense of self, and it is wondrous to behold, wondrous to be!

Thank you moon, thank you mother, looking forward to connecting with the earth tomorrow after a couple of hours spent gazing inwards in my fabulous yoga class. I love life and life loves me, blissings, blissings and love to all………………

This YouTube clip from Alice Cooper back in the seventies really epitomises the old paradigms for men and women, and yet I have always loved this song, there is a real tenderness and empathy for women, and the way that the feminine has been suppressed in this man’s world. It does no favours for any of us, no matter our sex, have a listen to “Only Women Bleed”.


The Days of Wine and Chocolate.

Do you remember that expression, stop the world I want to get off? That was my day not long ago, things cancelled at the last minute, friends forgetting appointments, usually I can move with the flow whatever it does, but on this particular day I got all out of kilter.

Oh yes, if you are following my posts you can probably guess, more stuff coming up, it never rains but it pours, and this time I’m not referring to the weather! This time it was simply energy moving and feelings moving with the energy, it felt like loss, abandonment, hopelessness, all the feelings you would prefer to do without. I watched Buffy, ate a small packet of organic potato chips with sea salt and one very small regular caramel chocolate, and had a bit of red wine.

When I think about the days of litres of wine, mountains of chocolate, iced donuts and pastries full of custard, I can really see how much progress I’ve made. That little bit of naughtiness helped me through a rough patch without stressing my body too badly, and it certainly didn’t suppress the release that eventually came.

Chocolate donuts

I do try to be good about what I put in my body when it comes to food, but sometimes you have to allow a little flexibility. A little bit of what you like does you no harm if most of the time you’re supporting your physical self in the way that works best for you. And guilt is not a useful path to follow, it was guilt over my father’s suicide that destroyed my self-esteem when I was in my late teens. Thirty years later I have at last rebuilt that aspect of self, I don’t do guilt anymore, instead I do my best to be compassionate to myself.

It always seems to come back to love, the big love, the one that holds everything together and connects all living things. By the end of that day I had found peace in myself, my heart felt soft, and I knew that I had let go once again of parts of me that were no longer serving my higher purpose.

The last couple of months have been huge for me, the biggest shifts I have experienced in quite a while, I don’t think it’s an accident that this is coinciding with the end of 2012 and the start of 2013. There are big changes happening everywhere, not always in places we can see with the human eye, but creating a wave of change that everyone can’t help but be affected by, whether they can sense it or not.

Bring it on I say, the current reality isn’t working and the change is well overdue!