Tag Archives: terror

The Terror Lives Again In Order To Let Go.

medicine circle childrenAs you read this I am already on my journey as I sit in the medicine circle and go deeper and deeper, surrendering to my intention to explore the terror that has been coming up for me, and seeking insight for the physical issues that I am sure are connected. I may not find anything that I will be able to convey to you in words that would make any sense, but I will know in my body, what the next steps in the course of my healing shall be.

Actually I already know what one of the next steps will be, another therapy session known sometimes as body based psychotherapy, I’ve just had one and even more seems to be coming up. And it was even more intense this time, I knew it was just energy and that it would pass but I struggled to separate myself from the terror which was overwhelming. When another session was suggested I felt enormous reluctance, a sure sign post that this is the direction that will help to uncover and release whatever is ready to go.

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I cannot begin to describe what the terror feels like, I think I now have a little bit of insight into how it is for those who suffer with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The last time it happened there were two parts of me, one was observing and the other lost in the terror, try as I might I couldn’t fully separate from the panic but at least there was an awareness that it was just energy, that I was perfectly safe with my lover. He was holding space for me and letting me be where I needed to be while at the same time assuring me that I was safe. I had to have the light on for a while in order to feel safe enough not to totally freak out!

I remind myself that those feelings of terror have been inside me for a very long time and were impacting my well-being even when buried deep in my soul. So when I let them keep moving and truly let go, that part of me gets freed up, I get to be more of who I am, all of me. But sometimes getting to that place can be a bit scary, luckily I have all kinds of loving support, see you on the other side!

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Connect Or Die!

Time did not exist in my black hole in the ground, and so I’ve no idea how long I spent feeling and then watching my fears go speeding out of my body into the waiting arms of the earth. My memories of the rest of that time are not so clear except for moments here and there, I tried hard to stay awake but alas I did fall asleep.

That sleep gave me another of the gifts that I received, in my dream I was hovering above the graves looking down on the men who were standing watch sitting around fires. One of them looked up and seemed to be looking straight at me and I shot up into the air and I flew, I rarely remember my dreams and I have never flown in one before or since. It’s also the only ocassion that I have had an experience of moving out of my body and watching what was going on around me while I was unconscious.

I have a confession to make at this point, I snore! Well I certainly did back then anyway, one of the women who came out of the ground for a time said that the sound of my snores rising out of the earth, was immensely comforting. She was the bravest of us all in my opinion, for she went back in after being overcome by her fears. She figured that if I was so relaxed I could go to sleep in there, that maybe there wasn’t really so much to worry about after all.

As the faint tinges of light began to appear I knew my time in the earth was coming to an end, and all I wanted to do was to stay in this wonderfully comfortable, safe space that I had found, once the terror was gone. My bladder behaved beautifully and I had found such peace cradled in the bossom of the Mother.

When the wooden cover came off I felt as though I was seeing light for the first time in my life, the trees and other plants, the sky, the sounds, all standing out in sharp relief. For a time I wandered in the bush, exploring my new senses and feeling the wonder of being alive and being connected to every single living creature on Gaia’s earth.

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We are all a part of Gaia, whether we can feel it or not, if you are on the planet in a physical body then she is supporting you no matter what you do. We need to even up the exchange and begin to offer back the same support to her, not that she couldn’t get by without us, but she loves us, and sincerely hopes that we will not make ourselves extinct.

Thank you Mother, we are doing our best to grow up, with any luck it isn’t too late!

Feeling The Fear.

I’m standing at the graveside and my watcher helps me to climb down into my waiting tomb, I lie myself down and he places the wooden cover over the top completely sealing me in. The last light of the dusk disappears immediately and I am enveloped by a darkness deeper than any that I have ever known. Above me I can hear the sounds of the earth being shovelled on top of the wood so that I am surrounded entirely by the earth, there is air coming in and I can see the faintest tinge of light from that, but before too long night has come in its fullness and I am left in this small space.

There is just enough room to turn myself around as I try to find a comfortable way of lying down, worrying about the best way to do this is a welcome distraction from the incipient terror that is lurking in the depths of my being. I’m talking to myself about how important it is to keep my spine straight so that the energy can flow and I can go into a deep meditative space, when I begin to notice a deep chuckle just beyond the scope of my physical ears. It’s Mother Earth laughing at my silliness, and I can hear her saying, “It doesn’t matter how you lie, I will always be here to support you, do whatever you want my child.”

So I let go of all that mind stuff and I lay back and allowed myself to feel the fear that was running through my body, it was incredibly intense and it would have been so easy to let it take over and ask to be let out. But I was determined to last the distance, and I remembered one of the men saying that he handled the fear by doing deep yogic breathing, in through the belly, the middle of the chest and right up into the top, then back down again. As I did this I began to notice myself separating from the fear, it was still moving through my body at a rate of knots, but I was no longer attached to it.

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For the first time in my life I truly understood the meaning of non-attachment, as I became the observer the thing that I was watching began to shift and eventually the fear was gone, and in its place a deep sense of peace. That was an important lesson that has been an invaluable ally to me in the years since and I think it is no accident that I am writing about it now. I’ve noticed in these intense shifts that I have been experiencing that I sometimes tend to go a bit unconscious while things are moving through me, time to sharpen my focus and be the observer.

For the conclusion to this story tune into my next post!